On Friday I was driving home from work when I felt "it". Those good feelings that suddenly drop in my head after weeks of a low time. It is so physical I could only compare it to getting a does of uber pain killers after surgery in that the effect is immediate and physical. My head just has a rush and I think "ah, excellent, the other Linda is back for a while".
On Saturday my energy levels were high and I took advantage of it by getting lots done. Walked the Big Benny, lots of laundry, tidying up and then out in the garden with K where the tree got a great big hair cut. Then cleaned up all around the studio and cleaned out some pots ready for planting things into next weekend.
When I feel like this I realise how shitful I feel when I am on a down. I have to remember this feeling to get me through to the next time when I am down. It is easy to think feeling demotivated, tired, teary, overwhelmed, flat, anxious and confused is normal when it really isn't. Mood swings are a bit of a crappity crap thing I think. I do wonder what it is like to feel just steady most of the time. I am working on that. The work in progress that goes with being a human being.
Today I went with my brother to pick up a dining setting that I purchased on Ebay.
I ask myself, each time I buy something on Ebay, why is it that the bigger the thing I have bought, the further away it is from where I live.
Anyway, my brother came with me for two reasons. Firstly, K is at a car show today and, secondly, my brother has a great big work truck with a flat tray and the setting would fit in there ten times over.
It's a bit dated. This type of setting was big in the late 1960's through to the 1970's. It extends out so that will be handy once a year at Christmas time.
Years ago I hated this sort of furniture. My mother also hated it so whilst everyone had this style we had 1940's in our house. But now I kind of like the retro modern look of it. Not only that, I feel as though I am validating those who made it and have used it.
The chairs are completely naff but they were a great price. Made of solid Blackwood timber and so steady. The fabric is a rather ugly beige tweed but it has been cleaned. They are so very comfortable.
My place looks like a weird mix of eras. An ultra modern kitchen, a 1970's dining setting and 1920's lounge furniture. My whole house is an eclectic collection of furniture through the ages. It's kind of funny sitting at the retro table with a laptop and iPhone and in the back ground I have the movie Tin Tin on via a movie that my son downloaded via the Internet.
Now I am home for a couple of hours before heading off to my brothers to do some bookwork. Only an hour or so. Then home to make some lovely vegetable soup (I hope it is anyway) and get a casserole ready for the slow cooker overnight. Bake a cake. Take Big Benny for a walk. Then sit down to watch a some Sunday evening TV.
I love it when I plan things and know there is no reason for them not to happen because I feel in total control. And even if things should not go exactly to plan I know I am in the frame of mind that won't punish myself for it.
Oh, there was one little thing that happened today which pissed me off no end. After we got home from picking up the table, my nephew wanted to say goodbye to Benny which was fine. The puppy likes to jump around my nephew and so my brother picks up Benny so that my nephew can say goodbye without being jumped all over. I said to my brother to not hold him so tight because it might hurt him, especially now is is a heavier pup. To which my brother explains that he is only holding Benny firmly to show him who is boss.
What is it with some people who think they need to "show they are boss"? It fucks me off no end and I don't think a dog needs to be physically held to be shown who is boss. Anyway, my brother puts the dog down and they make their way out the front door. Benny runs up the hallway and my brother says something like "Benny, out" and I see Benny slink away. Just a quick moment of fear based dog body language and I can't be one hundred percent sure because it was so fleeting. My gut instinct tells me it was what I think it was but my head is not liking it because it creates an issue for me with my brother.
I felt shitty because I don't want my dog's beautiful nature spoilt by being made to feel fearful in that shameful way that happens to dogs. To me, it is the same as I feel about raising a child Fear based was what I grew up with and maybe I am at the other end of the spectrum because I am reactive against it. That is not to say I don't yell at my son or my dog now and then but to physically dominate is just repulsive to me. Not only that, I don't wish to be seem as this all mighty dominating creature.
I want my dog to respect me and want to please me because of that doggy love and respect and not because he is scared of me. Where does respect come into that fear loyalty anyway?
Maybe I am a bit of a soft touch and may well end up with a wild dog and an wilful son.
Then I can listen to others say "I told you so" and dish out where I went wrong.
Hopefully I will be in an up mood when that happens so I don't agonise over it.
Anyhow, now need to head off to my brother's. I do love him very much but............
There is always a but isn't there?