Sunshine and blue sky was the order of the day today.
I went to the hairdressers which for me is the nicest way to spend some free time. Later on I met K for lunch and did a bit of retail therapy without spending money.
The reason I did not buy anything is that there is too much out there to buy. The story of my life is that if there are too many choices I end up making no choice at all.
The other problem is that sometimes the things I really, really like are very expensive and I cannot justify spending $800 on a pair of boots no matter how fabulous they are. Firstly it is too self indulgent. Secondly I would be even more uptight every time I wore them in case they got a mark on them. Thirdly, I would want to wear them to bed to get the best value out of them. Or worse, I would refuse to wear them because they are so expensive and they would sit in my wardrobe until I finally caved in at aged 85 and wore them around the nursing home.
However, now I am sitting at home without any new boots at all I do keep thinking how nice they were. Time to shop online perhaps. Things are very expensive in Australia. I can buy a pair of brand name jeans for $200 delivered from overseas. The same jeans here would cost me $400. No wonder our retail industry is dying at the moment. However, when I do go online to buy aforementioned jeans I get overwhelmed by the choice. Hence the reason I wear the same things over and over. I can't make am move on buying something new.
This morning when I got ready to go to the hairdressers I realised that the indulgences of Easter had come to bite me on my bum. My jeans were feeling a wee bit tighter than usual. I felt like a fat bunny and made my son take a photo of me to see if I was as porky as I thought. Fortunately things were not as dire as I thought so I allowed myself to go out in the public eye.
Still, next Friday is the Oxfam walk and any indulgences will be walked off. I think I worked out that walking the 100 km's would burn off about 8000 calories (allowing for uphill and all) which for me is about 4 to 5 days worth of food - not during Easter of course. That was a blow out of the nicest kind.
Today I read the newspaper for the first time in ages. I used to get it delivered but when the subscription ran out I could not be bothered renewing it. In fact, the other day I was thinking of all the things I used to do and now never do. All the things I used to be interested in and no longer bother with. I used to read books a lot and now struggle to get through one. I think that is why I stopped getting the newspaper. I just could not concentrate on the words. My attention span is always a challenge. At work it is not a problem. I can focus but at home I struggle to focus on things.
K said that I just have to get back into what used to interest me and the familiarity of it would help renew things. I thought about that but the problem lies in my inability to zero in on what I am doing in the way I used to. You know the way that you can lose yourself in what you are doing? I can't do that. I try but whatever that thing is that makes it happen seems to elude me. I can lose myself in work though. That is a completely different mindset - unless I am having a shite day.
I can't articulate the feeling very well without it sounding like I am just someone who is overly busy.
I am very overloaded and overwhelmed in my head and therein lies a problem. K thinks I aim too high and have unrealistic expectations of myself and subsequently feel as though I am a failure when things do not go according to plan. He also thinks it is much worse now than it was 5 years ago. I think I am just not organised enough about the things I do in my life and that if I were more organised I would find life easier in my head. Or that if I did things properly it would be better. It is not as though nothing is not being done properly but if I could just get the organised and the properly bits to gel a bit more I might relax.
This morning I was playing some games with Benny and was thinking about how perfectly I wanted to have his arrival in our home to be. Everything had to be just so to ensure his well being. To the point where I was thinking of him as intensely as I did when my own son came home from hospital as a baby. Which made me realise why I only have one child. God knows I could not have replicated that intensity in another child. If you want to see my anxiety levels go through the roof just put me in the same room as a baby crying. Baby cries - Linda picks it up.
So, there I was playing with Benny and he was being a roly poly puppy and I thought to myself that if I don't chill about him a bit I am going to have him be anxious as well. On the Friday and Thursday of last week he was at home with my son and was able to hang around in the back yard and play around. I rang my son many times to see how Benny was. Rang K to see if he had been home to check how he was. It was freaking me out.
As it was he was happy as a pig in shit. Coming inside for a play. Outside for a play. Inside for a sleep or to get lunch. In fact, he was happier being home than being at work.
So I am trying to relax a bit about it all.
Oh, just realised what a load of twaddle this post is.
It is possible I have nothing to say.
But that is okay because my hair looks fabulous.
And, at the end of a sunny Saturday that is quite a wonderful thing.