Thursday Holiday

It is Thursday and I am not at work.

It is a public holiday.  Australia Day.  There will be lots of flag waiving down at local parks and beaches but I won't be one of them.

I also have tomorrow off.  Australia is known as the land of the long weekends due to the numerous public holidays we have that often fall just prior to the weekend.  Many people will be taking Friday off.  I would have gone into work but Bossman is a great believer in all staff having time off to spend with friends and family.

This morning I was meant to get up early and do a bootcamp exercise class with my husband down along the beach.  I woke up and decided not too.  Well, it was not as easy as that.  I lay in bed and thought about how much I hate doing hard exercise in the morning because it sucks the life out of me for the rest of the day.

I am not talking about going for a walk like I did last Sunday.  That is fine.  It is the "running along sand holding a big car tyre over your head" kind of exercise I hate.   It also tends to go with "running up lots of steps and then down those same steps and then run along the sand and then do loads of push ups and then mountain climbers and how about some squats" activities as well.  Then I get home dog tired and spend all afternoon resisting the urge to have a sleep only to fall asleep in the chair in front of the television later on.

So, once I got over the incredible guilt of not doing the class I went back to sleep until 9.00 am in the morning and now, at almost 3pm, I am not tired at all.  But I will be heading off for a 15km walk soon.  There is no way I could not do something.  No exercise means highly agitated Linda at Large.

This week has been a busy week in my house with the kitchen benches installed and also with the arrival of the stove.  Life is getting back to normal.  Not that I can complain that it has been difficult.  It has just been intrusive.

In fact, recently I have had an aversion to doing any serious complaining at all.  A while ago I made some whiney remark about something trivial and my son said "Oh, a First World Whinge" or something like that.  I felt a bit embarrassed, despite the fact that he meant it as a joke.  It reminds me of the first few times that I went to therapy and the therapist said something along the lines of not minimising my own problems.

He asked me if I felt that a soldier who fought in a war and came home with injuries was more entitled to complain that I would about my own internal naval gazing problems.  By the way, he did not say naval gazing problems but I am adding that because that is how I see my own shit.  And he also worded what I am relaying in a much more professional way. But I cannot recall the details because it was too professional for me remember but I have not forgotten the gist of it.

And I said that the soldier was entitled to complain more.  Maybe complain is not the right word.  Maybe I mean that he was entitled to express his difficulties more and to have these issues validated.

It is all about perspective isn't it?  I could whine about anything and everything but the reality is I have nothing really concrete to seriously vent about.  It is in my nature to just think that there are people who have such significant struggles in life that anything I may feel grievous about is petty.

Or if I vent I don't want to be seen as ungrateful.  I just want to have a bit of a whinge and that is it.

Anyway, the past few weeks have been very strange for me in a way.  For the first time in what seems like forever I have not been waking up with anxiety and having to carry it around all day.  I cannot think of a time when I have not had chronic anxiety.  Depression is crap but anxiety is just tops that for me. The physicality of it is hideous.

I have no doubt that the extra, extra exercise has contributed to this change, as has getting fairly solid sleep.  A break over Christmas was good.  Recharging batteries. Lots of hot sunshine.

Now you would think I would be happy about that wouldn't you?   Well, part of me isn't.

For me, anxiety has been a very good driver.  It had become a part of me and now it is gone and I miss it. I do.  I miss the horrible monster that it is.  I don't miss the physical aspect of it, that pressure in my chest and head and just that anxious state that is always there.  But I miss the challenge of combating it or using it do motivate me to do more things or to be a better person.  Although, I am doing more things I suppose and maybe that is why it has dissipated.

The busier I am and the more I exercise then the less anxious I feel.  So, what happens when I don't want to be busy or feel like a break from exercise?  Or the sun is not shining so hot in the sky and giving me strength?  Will it come back like a sneaky rat?

The anxiety has gone and the melancholy feeling has settled enough not to intrude on my thoughts each day.   My sleep is solid but I cannot say I feel refreshed.  I could sleep for ten hours and still roll out of bed like a zombie.  But the main thing is that, on the whole, my sleep is not being interrupted by me waking up all through the night.  That makes it easier for me to manage my physical and mental well being.

As the anxiety has taken a break,  I feel like my inner bitchiness has come out.  Now, I am not sure if I am bitchy or just assertive and that the conditioning of women is that when they are assertive they are made out to be difficult or bitchy.  

But, quite frankly, right now, I could not give a fuck.

I think I may just enjoy being anxiety free for as long as I can and if it means I may offend others,  be a bit snappy or just do whatever I want then that is okay with me.  I cannot think of the last time I feel free of anxiety of it for as long as this.

It gives me the chance to just relax.  Plus the chance to rebuild my personal confidence and work out some new goals to achieve.  When I am anxious and depressed I spend a fairly decent amount of time working at not allowing it to infect my life to the point where my work and home life are not functioning. It is all very tiring.

I'll try not to be anxious about the prospect of the anxiety coming back.

In the meantime, part of the process of keeping things calm is to go for that long walk.

So off I go.

Ciao
LC