Monday Blog

I am at work right now and taking a well earned slack break.

Bossman and his wife are back from holiday and didn't he have to put up with my venting.  He is my last port of call when it comes to a work whinge because he just is the best pacifier of whiney women.

Soon things will get back to some sort of normal here.  There is a four day weekend coming up and I am looking forward to having that break.  However, before those four days arrive I have a mountain of work to get through so am putting of dropping my bundle until then.

Last week I finally went to therapy.  After dragging my feet for months on end and then sitting down in front of him I wondered why I took so long.  We went through a lot of things and the session went half an hour over time which often happens.  I guess that is why he books me in for the last session of the day.

After a lengthy talk about lots of things he and I discussed about how I felt about the prospect of going onto anti depressants for what he says is a major depressive episode.  I said that I would rather continue to try to manage it sans medication.  Although he agreed he was a bit hesitant at first because I am running out of management options in a way.  Really, unless he can guarantee I don't put on weight while taking anti depressants there is not a chance in Hell that I will take them.  Plus, they just have side effects that are so unpleasant I just don't want to go back on them.

The thing is, I am very, very demotivated about doing things such as exercise, eating well, keeping a good routine and other stuff.  All of it currently requires extreme effort but I am still doing it all.  My main obstacle is bad sleep.    On Saturday night I had a good sleep and woke up feeling like a different person. When I have poor sleep I am just a blah person doing whatever a blah person has to do.  I function under par most days and then start to think that is normal.

Anyway, I will be seeing him again this week and for the next few weeks to determine whether or not I can get over this hiccup for now.  It's my belief that I can as long as I have some guidance along the way. Maybe just making the effort and seeing him is the jump start I need.  It has been a difficult year and I think that has just made things a bit harder for me.

When my niece came around on Saturday we were talking about it and she said "were you in denial about your depression?" and I said that she was possibly right.  Not denial but more like ignoring it a bit. I just kept thinking of what I was not doing right rather than thinking that there was really a rational reason as to why I felt so up and down all the time.  I point the finger at hormones, stress, poor sleep, not enough exercise or not being disciplined enough.  Perhaps they are not the reason for feeling this way, maybe the depression makes me feel all those things.

It's all good really because I can focus on it differently rather than kind of knowing but denying it.  It also takes the pressure off me thinking I am doing something wrong and that accepting things are not always in my control.

Next week I am having work done at home and life will be a bit chaotic while they get the kitchen out and we have to wait for the new one to be made.  I think I will have two or three weeks of no stove which means we may have to eat out every night.  It's a tough thought. you know, not being able to cook.....

It will take about four weeks for everything to get done.  Then comes Christmas.  It's all the routine of life isn't it?  Whether the changes are via the seasons, months, birthdays, religious events or doing pointless household tasks, they are all there to remind us of the things we do to keep us feeling useful or part of something. Or to make what we do seem relevant.

As though things are put in place to validate our existence.

Oh, that sounded a bit deep.

I'd better get back to work. 

Where I really need to validate my existence to ensure I get paid.

Ciao
LC

Well, Thanks Boss

Where my work is we have built three office/factory warehouses.  The whole thing has been a joint venture with two other builders and one of those builders is a really difficult person.

He offends people.  Is rude.  Is demanding.  Is bossy.  And tactless.

Today my boss was defending him saying that you just had to get to know him.   You just had to work him out.

"He's rude and really offends people but he's good," he said

And then he added "he is a lot like you Linda."

Well, really, I am not sure what to say.

Rude, demanding, bossy, tactless, offensive person that I am.

Sigh

Ciao
LC

Sunday Outing

A day out and about.  Museum and a car show.  Just a few photos. 

S took some photos. 

Which is the real dinosaur?

This is a new and fantastic way that the museum has animals displayed.

There is a great interactive screen that corresponds with the animals on display.

Me standing at the old black and white television.



My dream car.  A Triumph TR6. 

 Ciao
LC

Bedtime Conversation

The other night my husband and I had a stupid conversation.

It all started with a fart, as all good conversations do start.  Or should start. It was my fart (of course). 

"You know, I really should stop farting.  I mean, I don't think twice about farting in front of my own son. It's so wrong.  I have no standards," I said to K.

"I know, I just fart in front of him in the office.  He never says anything but, really, it might totally disgust him and he is too polite to tell me," replied K.

The conversation went along these lines with both of us talking about how we would have freaked if our parents farted in front of us.  Ew, vomit.

"Maybe we should talk to him tomorrow and make sure it is okay that we fart.  It's just disgusting that, as his mother, I think nothing about farting in front of him and laughing about it," I said (then started laughing about it).

"Yes, we should. For all we know he may be silently freaking out each time we fart. Poor kid," said K.

Next evening we sat down with S. 

"Your father and I want to talk to you about something we think is really important," I started.

Son looks at both of us with a perplexed expression on his face.

"Well, as you know, your father and I just fart in front of you with not a thought of how you might feel about it.  I mean, we never hear you fart and maybe you are totally disgusted by us but don't want to tell us," I said."

"What the???  Yeah, farting is disgusting.  Who says I don't fart in front of you two. I do silent farts.  Ninja farts. Deadly farts" says son.

"Oh, well, okay.  Well, we just wanted to give you the option of asking us to be more mindful about our farting habits when you are around," I continued.

"Yeah, I never want you to fart again. I want you to hold on tight for the rest of your life," says son.

Glad we got that sorted. 

Actually, we never really got a definitive answer from him. 

But if he ever complains in years to come he cannot say we did not give him the chance to express his feelings about it earlier.

I am such a considerate parent.

Ciao
LC

Turtle Keeper

In our office we have a large light well in which there is a pond and some bamboo.

Recently two turtles came to live in the pond.

The guy who bought them just plonked them in the pond and put the food in the freezer. 

However, I have now become the turtle keeper because it is important to me that they are happy and healthy.

So, today my husband and I went to a pet shop that specialises in things like snakes, turtles, lizards and other creatures.  I needed a bit of information about the best way to keep the turtles happy.  The shop was fabulous.  I could be very tempted to set up a reptile tank at home but doubt that would be met with much enthusiasm as my husband is not at all keen on snakes.

Along with some stinky frozen prawns, mussels and white bait, I bought ten live fish to put into the pond for the turtles to feed on.  The fish were in a plastic bag that had to sit in the pond water for 20 minutes before releasing the fish into the pond. 

So, I put the bag in and one of the turtles could see the fish and started biting at the bag and pushed it to the far end of the pond, way out of arms reach.  Below is a picture of me getting the bag back to me with a BBQ tool.  This is when I am very happy that I do Pilate's and have good core strength.

Although, there was a brief moment when I almost slipped in.

When we left the turtles had still not managed to catch a fish. 

They were, unsurprisingly, a bit too slow.

Ciao
LC

Blab On The Fifteenth

I have had a very nice Saturday.

Last night I went to bed with the intention of getting up early for an exercise class but gave that a miss after yet another awful sleep.  Had I gone to the class (and I almost did) the day would have been just too tiring.  Better to get some extra sleep.

I went to the hairdresser's which is always my favorite day.  Although, looking at the photo below it looks like I need to go to the hairdressers.  But it was windy outside and blew my hair all over the place.  When I look at that photo I am kind of surprised how grey the hair is looking.  Still, even on one of my regular crap days I never want to change the colour back to dark brown. 

After the hairdresser I once again made that stupid mistake of going to the health food shop for lunch.  Honestly, everytime I go there to have lunch I feel disgusting.  But I live in hope that one day they will dish up something delicious.

I stood looking at the array of brown and green food trying to pick the best of the worst looking.  Not only that, most of the food is quite fattening so no matter if it is vegan it is still going to make me feel blech and contribute to a fat bum. 

In the end I chose a chick pea, pumpkin and zucchini curried salad.  Yep, it was a bit horrible. But it looked healthy so I felt special making that decision. 

Now, in my mind, the balance of chick peas, pumpkin and zucchini should have been equal, however it was not.  It was as though someone had tipped a big can of chickpeas in a bowl and stirred in some curry powder.  Then garnished it with two bits of over cooked pumpkin and three bits of zucchini. 

I dutifully munched my way through half of it before deciding that I really don't need that much fart food.  As I left the shop I reminded myself that lunch was the last lunch I would ever have there again and was forced to console myself with some very delicious almond biscuits that I bought from a lovely Jewish bakery.  Mmmmm.

Later in the afternoon I had to go dress shopping for a black tie function I am going to next Friday night.  I loathe dress shopping.  Especially formal dresses.  Hate it.  When I wear dresses I often think I look like a guy in drag.  Walking into a dress shop just fills me with bleak despair.

However, the first dress I tried on was appealing to me.  Nondescript and practical.  So I bought it.  In fact, I was home so quickly that K was almost shocked.  He took a few photos for me because what I see in the mirror is different to what I see in the photo.  I am happy with the dress.  I also like the glimpse of the laundry and kitchen behind me.  Very homely.

At the end of November I have a work function to go to and it is a race day.  Another dress.  However, I am buying one on Etsy so I hope it works out. 

Today my son went out with friends to Chadstone shopping centre.  K and I were gobsmacked when he asked if he could go. 

"About time," we both said and clapped our hands with joy. 

"I'll give you some spending money," I said to him.

"Yeah, fifty bucks should do it," he suggested.

Fifty bucks?  FIFTY BUCKS?

As this was his first time out to the shopping centre with friends I said he could have that amount but next time there is no way he would get that. 

So, off he went.  Came home at about 5.30 pm wearing some stupid hat.  I mean, really stupid big blue furry hat with giant ears.  He paid $29.95 for it.  What can I say.  He has not taken it off and is sitting at the computer looking very weird. 

During the week I spoke to him about getting a mobile phone but he says he does not want one.  He wants to get through school without one. 

So when he gets out and about I shall have to accept that he is where he says he is and okay.

Just like it was when I was growing up.

Only, I was not always where I said I would be.

And was not always okay.

Sigh. 

Ciao
LC

Angus

Dear Angus

In April 1996 you came to live with us.

A very furry and cheeky border collie. 

A wonderful buddy in my life. 

You chewed our socks.

Dug up the garden.

Tore the washing off the line.

Ate things you found around the house.

You were sly and naughty and I loved you being just that.

You spent lots of time with me.  In these photos I was three months pregnant with my son.  You were still my baby. 

Over the years you just lived your life the way dogs live their lives with humans.  Part of the pack. Part of our family.  Many, many wonderful memories.

You got old like everyone and everything gets old. Towards the end you were deaf, frail, did not know who I was and never wagged your tail anymore.  Life was painful and not pleasureable. 

Today, over fifteen years after you came to us, we had to say goodbye. 

Thank you Angus for being our dear dog for many years.

You are resting peacefully in the garden now. 

Love LC

Annoying

I don't know why, but for the past week or so I cannot post a comment on anyone's blog.

I type it up and when I go to publish the comment it disappears.

So I do it again and it just gets lost in the blog ether.

A couple have gone through but most have not.

Grrrrr

Ciao
LC

Saturday Blab

It's been a busy week at work and things are stressful.  Cash flow is tight at the moment and that makes my life hard in the office.  Just before he went overseas my boss used some of the business money to purchase some property for development.  It was to be repaid within the week from finance sources but because the paperwork had not been filled in properly it now won't be repaid until Boss Barney gets back.  So, that puts a squeeze on things.  Fortunately I had what he calls "the bookkeeper stash" in another account which I have just in case these things happen so I could transfer enough across to ease some pressure.

It's a bit of a joke.  Me and my stash.  Over the years I have learnt the way my boss does things and always put a bit of money aside in an interest bearing account.  He never takes money out for personal use, it is all business related. But he often takes it out before all the paperwork is formalised properly.  It was a few years before he found out about my stash.  Now that he knows he often says I might have to use the stash soon.  And, if I say I have no money he always says "what's in the stash?'.  He has told other builder's about the emergency stash.  I have to say that it has been a handy thing to access now and then.  However, I have used it this time so now I am just waiting for money to come in from clients.   

My last post was a bit of a one sentence rant.  You see, sometimes the fact that I am very much like my father freaks me out because he was a difficult man.  Then again, he had very good points and I suppose it is okay to have good parts of him without having to worry about picking up the negative aspects to him.  But I do recall always thinking I would do everything in my power to not repeat his behaviour and allow it to infect my life.   The down side of that is that if I ever lose my temper or get cross I immediately think I am morphing into my father rather than accepting that I am expressing my displeasure at something.  And, what I call losing my temper is pretty mild.  It might just be me getting cross.   Anyway, enough of that.  It's all just blah blah.

It's daylight savings now and the days are that little bit longer which is so lovely.  The weather is milder but still the rain comes across and soaks the weedy garden.  It is so different to past years and to see all the trees and plants looking lush is beautiful.  Even the weeds look lovely. 

Tonight we went out to eat and then had a coffee and cake in a lovely coffee shop not far from where we live.  I took my camera with and fiddled around with the black and white settings.  I like black and white photos, they just look nicer. 

The photo below could have been taken a long time ago.  I love all the magazines on the shelf. Some of them are design magazines from the seventies and eighties.  We were talking about the days of type setting and how that job is all but obsolete because of computers.  I looked at one magazine and it was so dated.  Everything new becomes old.

I like the photo below.  At any opportunity my son will put on a cheerless, teenage look.  His body language says a lot.

At least one of us has a happy face!  I really hate having my photo taken now that I am getting older.  Just one of those female things maybe.  For a while I was toying with the idea of never having another photo taken of me again and be frozen in time at a certain age.  Then I decided that was ridiculous because I still have to look at myself in the mirror everyday anyway.  At least black and white is flattering.

I finally made an appointment to see my therapist again.  Not until the 20th of this month.  Believe me, I dragged my feet on this one but the other week I had a really unpleasant panic attack which was totally unexpected so I figure I need to deal with a few things.  Even though I handle panic attacks well enough I find them physically draining and nauseating.  They have been infrequent over the past few years but since hormonal changes this year I feel a bit more susceptible right now.  The unexpected one from the other day was difficult because only a few minute prior I was just having a normal chit chat in the kitchen at work so nothing specific was in my head.   Then, on the way home I thought about it and felt very anxious as I drove the car.  It is a bit of a cycle that happens. 

When I sent the email to my therapist (I hate ringing) he replied so sweetly saying he had been wondering how I was.  I don't know why I am like this but I often worry that I am an imposition on people.  It's always a surprise to me that someone is happy to catch up with me or pleased to see me.  I cannot explain why I think that but I am sure it ties in with some self esteem thing. 

Anyway, I feel better now I have this appointment ahead.  I can organise in my head what to talk to him about.  Although, I have done that beforehand and end up speaking about something else.  There is a lot in my head so it is hard to know which way the thoughts are going to tumble.

My son has been at home for two weeks of school holidays.  He ventured out once into the city with K and they went to the Immigration Museum and also had lunch.  The rest of the time he was a mole rat in the house playing on the Xbox or computer.  He slept in everyday and even had a few pyjama days.  Now he is back into normal sleep patterns and his head is ready for school.  I asked him why he never has friends over and he said that he sees friends every day at school so it is good to have a break from them during holidays.  He and I share some very similar traits.  Need time alone.

I am hoping to get out in the studio tomorrow.  Having finished one painting I am ready to start another.  I tidied up today and did lots of clothes washing so that I would not have to do it all tomorrow.  If I can ignore the very weedy garden on the walk to the studio I just might allow myself to get something done. 

In the morning I have the opportunity to go for a run with some girls from the exercise group.  I had planned to go to the session last Sunday but slept in.  If I get a good night's sleep tonight I will endeavour to get up and meet them.  But you know, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.  My sleep patterns are so awful I cannot even predict how I will be the next morning. 

But you know, these days I sometimes cannot be bothered even pulling on my exercise clothes to do anything.  The past few months have seen me have to dig deep mentally to get out there and run around.  Possibly because of the fatigue I have every single day and the poor sleep.  It makes it very, very hard to be motivated to do anything when all I feel like doing is lounging around on the chair each evening when I get home from work.  However, if I don't exercise it has a negative impact on every aspect of my life so I just do what I have to do and cross my fingers that eventually my interest will pick up again and the fatigue will sort itself out.

The other day I had to go to the doctors to get the results from the gastroscopy.  The results were good so the thought is that I need to reassess my diet, which is great but needs a closer look.  No wheat perhaps.  Not sure what else I can change.   I also had to get my ears syringed because they had filled with wax.  If that isn't the most disgusting thing seeing what was wedged up in there.  Blech.  Still, my hearing improved greatly, the ear ache stopped as did the high pitched squeal in my right ear.  There were a few other things and as I left he asked me if there was anything else.

"No, that is all for now.  Just the usual middle aged woman things," I replied.

"Yes, you are right there Linda.  And it only gets worse," he said.

Well, nice to know I am aging according to medical expectations.

Might go and get a nice pair of slippers then.

And crochet myself a rug for my knees.

And have a nice cup of tea.

Before I get my running shoes on and make sure the doctor can stick those medical expectations.

I have other expectations thank you very much.

I intend to be frozen in time.

Ciao
LC

Inspiration

My father inspired me to try to be a better person because he is such a prick and I would never, ever want to be like him.

Diagnosis Left Or Right

I am almost embarrassed to post this little conversation between my husband and I but I have to.

Since I had the gastroscopy on Thursday I have had a significant pain on my left side.  It feels the same as when I cracked my ribs in 2010.

I cannot imagine why I have the pain since it was a very basic procedure.  Maybe they were rough as they poked the camera around.

Anyway, last night the pain was pretty rotten so I thought I would Google the following words to see if there might be a reason for the pain. 

"pain in right side after gastroscopy"

Needless to say, lots of crap came up and one of them made mention of a woman who had a pain on her right side after gastroscopy and died six days later of complications.

I read it out to my husband.

"Isn't the pain on your left side?" he asked me.

"Isn't that my right side?  Oh, wait, that side is my left side isn't it," I said having a bit of a think about it.

"Yes, that is your left side," he reminded me (fully aware of my life long inability to work out left from right without serious thought before hand).

"Oh, that is okay then," I said.

I really need to get my left and right sorted.

I also stopped Googling after that.

The pain, however, is still there.

Still on the left side.

Ciao
LC

Sunday Evening Boring Post

Not much to report from the house of Linda.

Daylight savings has started and the clocks move forward and the cycle of life continues.

It meant I slept in this morning.  I had planned to do a beach boot camp with some exercise friends but the bed won out.  Yesterday morning I had an exercise class followed by Pilate's so I don't feel guilty.  Besides, boot camp is on every Sunday so I will get into it next week.

It's strange isn't it?  That I should feel guilty because I did not exercise.  But most times I feel anxious and guilty if I don't exercise. 

I feel guilty about everything. I feel other people's guilt.  I was born guilty.  I am sure I could confess to someone else's crime because I would feel their guilt. 

On Saturday morning I got an sms from my boss's mother asking if I wanted to catch up at a local shopping centre.  Yes, yes, it was Chadstone AGAIN.  It's either all or nothing with that place.  When she sms'd me I actually replied by asking her if she meant to send it to me and not someone else as it has been ages since I heard from her.  She has a huge social network and I could not figure why she would sms me to catch up.  Does that say something about me? 

So we met up for lunch.  Fancy that.  We "did lunch".  And a very nice lunch it was too.  It's very odd these days how they have this food culture within a shopping centre.  They serve up the most beautiful dishes and make fantastic coffee at the place we ate at.  It has a continental feel about it which kind of disturbs me to think that these days they can just make a "continental" or "oriental" feel about a place with the appropriate decor.  I felt a bit depressed sitting in this fake Italian cafe in the middle of a huge shopping centre looking at the menu.  I would rather be in Italy. 

After lunch we went clothes shopping.  Well, she did.  I helped her pick out some clothes for travel as she is going over to the US to meet up with my boss and his family on Tuesday.  It was really very enjoyable to just walk around and natter as she and I used to work together and have not seen each other for ages.  I ended up being in the centre for four hours.  The weather was dull so I did not feel I missed out on much. 

I have just read the above and think this post is going to be one of those boring ones.  Still, life is generally boring so it still deserves to be recorded.  Also, if I waited around for something very exciting to happen, something worthy of an exciting post, well, there would only be three posts each year.

I have taken up ten week Pilate's programme.  It's not the "gym" Pilate's, it is the one using all the medieval looking equipment.  I have had three private lessons to teach me how to do things and each time I feel more worn out than when I have done a weights class.  It's a whole new set of muscles being used. There is so much talk about the pelvic floor muscles that I am wondering if I will be able to crack walnuts with them after ten weeks.  Haha, was that a bit rude of me?  Seriously though, there is a lot of focus on core muscles. Muscles I never really use because the big muscles tend to take over when doing exercise.

Sometimes I feel as though I am a marketer's dream come true with all the middle aged woman things I do.  It actually depresses me but I cannot help myself from doing them.  Here is a list of what a middle aged, middle class boring woman does and, guess what, I do them or have done them all.

1. Book Club
2. Pilate's
3. Charity runs
4. Yoga
5. Eats super foods (Goji Berries etc.)
6. Buys organic
7. Does lunch with other middle aged or older women
8. Group exercise classes
9. Does Therapy
10. Gets a tattoo
11. Gets Acupuncture
12. Went to a chiropractor
13. Wears yoga pants by Lulu Lemon
14. Drinks green tea
15. Boot Camp

Today I went food shopping to different supermarket.  It was out of my neighbourhood and the people there were of a totally different demographic.  I felt a bit out of place but also mildly fascinated.  There were lots of track suit panted people and plenty of screaming children.  My car was parked in a stupid place far away and down slope which made pushing the food laden trolley quite a challenge and I had a vision of losing my grip and watching the trolley hit a car.  Fortunately all the core work I did in the Pilate's class paid off and I was able to control the trolley by engaging my core and hanging on for dear life.

Oh, this post is getting even duller.  Well, I may as well continue along.

On Friday I had a kitchen guy come around as I am getting a new kitchen.  We came up with a design but he has to refine it a bit.  There is going to be significant work done in the room including our floor being repolished after twenty years of us walking all over it. 

Part of me feels a bit sad about the old kitchen going.  I met my husband when he came into the family business to buy a bench top.  That was in 1987.  He ended up buying a kitchen and marrying me.  However, one cannot be sentimental when it comes to the fact that the kitchen looks really, really dated.  I know all things old were new once, but everything needs a refresh at some point in time.  

Look, I have just bored myself totally here so I might finish up this post before I change my mind and delete it. 

If you are still here reading, well done.

Oh, there was one thing.  We have two pet turtles at work.  They live in a pond that is in the light well that is behind me.  Sometimes I look behind and one of them is staring at me through the glass. 

It is freaky. 

Ciao
LC