Sunday, September 18, 2011


Recently I have been having a very bad relationship with my clothes. 

I hate them.

The other day I put on some jeans and they just felt and looked wrong.  Because I have such a poor body image I never know if things looks as crap as I think they do.

I asked my son for the truth.

"Tell me, S, does what I am wearing look bad?" I ask him.

"Yes, it does," he replies.

"I appreciate your honesty," I said. And that was true. 

"What do you think Dad would have said if you asked him," my son asked me.

"He would have said it looked great," I admitted.

"If you want the truth, ask me Mum. I will give it to you," said S. 


I need to be mindful of just how much truth I can handle before I ask him anything.

He just might tell me that my bum does look big.

Print Friendly and PDF

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Oh, Too Much

This post might not come across how I really want it to but I shall try.

There are two parts to it that connect in a way.  So, hopefully I get across what I am thinking.

Many, many years ago I read a short story by Stephen King.  At least, I am sure it was Stephen King.  It may have been Alfred Hitchcock but not likely considering the time line in which I read it. 

It was a horror story (what else from Stephen King) and it had a really profound affect on me for years and years.  In fact, it would be fair to say it still does for some reason.

I shall try to explain it with the scant memory I have of it. 

There were two men in it.  Somehow they had come across a way to see into another dimension or something like that.  They could view these people living in a beautiful place.  Big home with beautiful gardens.  Well dressed in some old fashioned style.  Of course, the view was always of the house and the garden as though looking through a window so these guys could only wait and see for anything to happen.

So, for weeks they just watched what was going on and, being a horror story, things changed for the worse.  One day one of the guys noticed a weak spot in the connection between their world and this other world.  Just a little gap in the corner.  He realised he could poke something through it.  A note or a pencil or something like that.  Nobody on the other side noticed these things appearing. 

Then one day the family had visitors over for a picnic.  At the picnic the family attacked and partially ate the visitors in a most gruesome way.  Then, and I am not sure how this happened, one of the creepy people saw the little opening to the "other side" and poked a half chewed human bone through it.  Then another.  Then the other family members joined in and kept poking hideous things over to these guys.  It piled and piled up. Rotting bones and any other stinking and foul thing that they could find.

Now, I know that just sounds gross but I recall at the time thinking that was equivalent to the concept of intrusive thoughts finding a gap in ones headspace and causing all sorts of problems.  And I know I thought it summed up something about stuff on television.  This other dimension pouring crap into our loungerooms.

I recently experienced a similar thing in a completely different way.

For the past couple of years I would randomly read a website called  Initially it started off as Blogger site.  People were invited to write their secret on the front of a postcard and then either post or email it to this guys place and he would upload it onto the website.  It took off like a storm.  There was a poignancy about the whole thing. 

Then, one day I was browsing in a book shop and saw that there was a book published based on Postsecret.  Then six months later another one.  I would stand and read them feeling like I was reading things that really should be kept a secret. 

The website then only published a few cards on the site because now it was becoming more commercial and you cannot have people getting constant access to the postsecrets because how can you get them to also buy the books.  You have to make them hungry for it. 

The guy who started it does talks now and is involved in suicide prevention and other things.  Which is good.  He still gets about 1000 postcards sent to him each week.  That's a lot of secrets to process.

Anyway, a week ago there was an App released by Postsecret.  So I thought I might download it.  It was only a couple of dollars. 

It works this way.  People upload a photo or picture and write a little secret on it and readers can reply to those secrets.  Some secrets are things like "I pee in the shower" or "I lick my knife/plate when nobody is watching".  I can dig those.  But the majority are just misery in a few words.  So many of them.  They upload non stop and drop off after two hours I think. 

The first day I looked at them and then had postsecret nightmares. 

Within a couple of days I had postsecret aversion and just ignored it. 

Last night I was flicking through a few and came across a photo that was so disturbing I actually reported (flagged it for attention).  It was the first time such a thing had come across. It was of a young girl (about 12)and I would bet my bottom dollar she had been groomed and was being abused.  I have never seen anything like that in my life and found it so shocking it actually gave me a nightmare last night.

Unfortunately all I could do was flag it for attention and hope that the administrators can find this girl. It really is still doing my head in.

So, what do these two stories have in common? 

Well, I feel like that App was spewing people's misery and shit onto my phone.  Now, it is one thing to read snippets of people's lives on a blog and take it all in a tiny bits and quite another to have it suddenly pouring in like a pile of rotten stuff into my head.  All the misery and nastiness from unknown people suddenly at the touch of a finger. 

Sure, I didn't have to read it and you can bet I won't anymore. Really, I had no idea what it would be like. But you know how sometimes you might look at/do/say  something and not realise until it is a bit late that it may have a negative impact on you.  I know I have to really watch for that because I don't have a very good filter against being affected by some things.

Well, at least I can shut off my world from the cankerous misery of those pouring out of the Postsecret app.

It is still a bit of a horror story to me.

Maybe I am over sensitive. 


PS In case you are wondering, I have never posted a secret.  Postcards are for travel and that is it.
Print Friendly and PDF

Sunday, September 04, 2011

Oh, Glorious Spring

I love Spring. That hint of warm weather. The extra daylight creeping in. The blue sky.

The sunshine seems to reach down and wind its long rays around me, filling me with joy.

I love the way a sunny day makes you want to run out of the house and somewhere, anywhere as long as it is out under the sunny sky.

Speaking of running, I went for a run last night. I needed to go for a run because my stupid, stupid lap top would not work in the studio which made my anxiety levels reach a code red in possible bitch behaviour so I had to run it off.

I had purchased a new pair of running shoes and decided that getting rid of my inner bitch and try out the shoes would be a good idea. I also bought a new Ipod Nano and had to try that out. My old one has disappeared and I am wondering if it did not get sucked up the vacuum cleaner when my car was cleaned.

Anyhow, I went for the evening run. It was about 4.5 km's so a nice one. As I was jogging along the streets I could see up ahead the silhouette of a man running. He was quite far away but I thought he was running in a strange way, as though he were holding something in front of him.

He disappeared out of sight and I though nothing of it until I reached the place where I had lost sight of him. As I slowly jogged passed the house I looked up the driveway and saw a completely naked man standing there. Just not a stitch of clothing on.

As our eyes met (doesn't that sound romantic) he dropped his hands down to cover up his bits. I pointed at him and burst into laughter. He turned his back on me and quickly walked up the dark driveway. You know, it is very hard not to laugh at the sight of a disappearing bare bottom.

I kept jogging and laughing. It was so very strange. Then I realised that it must have been him I saw running down the street in the distance and now I know what he was holding in front of himself.

When I got home and told my husband. He felt that was very creepy and why would someone be walking around up a driveway naked. Interestingly enough, I don't have an answer for that which might explain why I have never done it. Although, I have always admired the courage of streakers. In fact, it would be true to say I almost envy the way they just get out there and run naked in front of thousands.

You know, I might make that a regular jogging route. Just in case I need a laugh.

Today was father's day. We went out for a late breakfast and then a bit of a meander up the street. Everywhere was busy. People out shopping. People out eating. The roads were busy. It may as well have been a weekday.

After we came home I went into the studio and pottered around. Started a little project. Fiddled with the camera.

I am just doing a few little things in the studio at the moment. Because it has been forever and a day since I have done anything creative I need to take my time or I will be so overwhelmed with the backlog of thoughts that nothing will happen.

It's a nice space to blog in.

For a start, it is clean and tidy. Unlike my house. You must think my house is always messy because I always complain about it. I think you may be right. I am a pig and a lazy one at that. But I have good persona hygiene. And my toilet is clean. My food is clean.

Oh, but the studio is new and fresh.

And it is peaceful.

Three things I aspire to be.

Print Friendly and PDF

Friday, September 02, 2011

That Sunday Run

Well, K and I did that 10km charity run last Sunday.

It's the first time either of us have done a 10km run.

I woke up with a sore hip and knee.  So I had to start the day with pain killers and a protein drink.

Weather was perfect.  A bit chilly but sunny.  A friend from the exercise group picked us up at 6.30am which is the time I am normally fast asleep in my cosy bed.  Early mornings are not my cup of tea.

So, we join the crowd and wait for the start.  Shuffle along before the crowd gets room to run and disperse. Then we start jogging.

I forgot to tie the cord on my running skins and they started to fall down.  Crotch first and then the waist.  I could not run and pull them up although I did try and I am sure I looked very odd doing so.  I had to stop and fix them up.  It was at that point that my loyal husband kept on running and disappeared out of sight.

Great, no support from my running skins or my husband.  You know, I decided to forgo running with my Ipod so that I could be polite and chat to K as we jogged along.

So, I just jogged alone.  Well, not really because there are hundreds of other idiots doing the same thing.

It was a hilly course.  But not too bad.  I don't have a runners body. That is, my step is heavy and speed is not my forte.

Have you ever run for a long time?  It is a boring as shit when you don't have an Ipod.  My concentration span leaves a lot to be desired anyway and running challenges it greatly.  I focused on my pace.  On the blue sky and beautiful trees.  The wide streets were lined with lovely homes.  The air was still and I could hear the faint sound of traffic in the distance.

It seemed to take forever to get to the mark where the 10km runners turned to go back.  I saw K pass me by on the way out.  We gave each other a sweaty high five.   At the turn around point I slowed to a walking pace to have a drink.  Then I continued running.  My hip was aching and my left knee was not happy.  The shoes I had on were suddenly feeling like lead diving boots.

The last kilometre was long.  The last 500 metres I started to feel a bit puffed but passed the finish line.  According to my husband's watch I took one hour and seventeen minutes.  He took one hour and seven minutes.   According to the official time I took an hour and a half which I know to be inaccurate.  The girl that drove us there took five minutes longer than my husband but the official time had her finishing sooner.  She crossed the start line the same time as him so not sure what has happened there.

I had talked the girl into doing the run and she said she was cursing me for the last two kilometres.  She even thought of faking a fainting spell to get out of it.  Then she said it would have been easier to do the five kilometre run.  I said that if she did that then she would not be as pleased with herself would she.  We all know we can do a five kilometre run so it is no big deal.  By doing the 10 km run we pushed ourselves a bit harder.

The running tights made a huge difference.  The next day I just had twinges in the hips and knees whereas the others had sore muscles.

Now I am planning to do a 14 km run in November.  This time with training.

Only this time I shall tie the cord on my running pants and take my Ipod with.  I just know that there is no loyalty with K when it comes to running.  He won't be waiting for me to catch up.

Next time I will beat him.

Print Friendly and PDF

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Saturday Chit Chat

I had what felt like a long week. But now it is Saturday and life is moving along as always, irrespective of life, death and other happenings.

Last night when I went to bed I was planning to be up early to do a 7.45 am cardio class. However, my body decided that a headache, aching hip and right arm were the order for the day and I reneged on the exercise. Besides, I have a 10km run tomorrow morning and have to save my energy for that.

The usual things were done today. Laundry, make the bed, read the newspaper and other regular activities. And once again I was trapped by the lure of a couple of movies on television. I love movies and one of the was the classic North by Northwest. You would think that after seeing it at least half a dozen times I would tire of it but, no, it still is a great one to watch.

Around lunchtime I had this notion that I would go and visit a local health food shop that is up at the end of our street. God knows why I bother with the old "health food shop" notion. All that happens is that I walk out of there with something inedible and overpriced. I think that when I wake up feeling shite I must get this idea that I can go down to the health food shop, buy some food, eat it and suddenly feed fabulous.

Needless to say I did walk out with four items in my shopping bag and $42 less in my wallet. One of them I needed (B12 sublingual tables) but the rest were just overpriced weird food items. Still, one has to feel as though one is trying. And, you know, I don't really mind eating the 5 sprouted rye bread that I have to keep in the fridge and cut with a wet knife. It makes me feel special, especially when I spread it with the soy cream cheese..........

Later in the afternoon K and I went to the shopping centre as I had to buy a pair of compression tights to run tomorrow. I have been meaning to buy a pair for ages and figured that a 10km run is a good enough reason to do so. Compression tights are meant to reduce the pain from lactic acid in the legs because they compress the muscle which means that blah blah blah blah and blah and then that justifies the $139.95 I spend on them. Getting them on was like pulling on a balloon but I have to say that they felt great and held me in like a pair of fancy foundation garments. If nothing else they made me look slimmer and, hey, doesn't that make all that scientific so much more believable.

I then went into the studio and tidied up. During the week I bought a reindeer hide rug on EBay. It originally comes from Finland as they farm and eat reindeer they way we do cattle.

I fiddled around with my camera and took a photo in black and white which looked nice.

I then took a photo of the old studio which has become a home for all the pushbikes we have. Well, the ones we have and don't use much. It keeps them in dry and relatively dust free. The room looks so tiny to me.

Apart from that, not much else happened today.

Except, tonight for the first time since November last year K is doing a music job. He stopped it all last year when things were hard for me and I was not coping with life. Since then he has really enjoyed hanging out with family and doing his own thing. Music has become a deeply personal thing for him rather than play it to make money. He sold his sousaphone, tuba and double bass and just enjoyed playing his piano at home again.

The other week he got a phone call from someone asking if he could do a piano gig. He reluctantly agreed. If he keeps saying no then one day he won't be asked again and that is not ideal. I think it is good and the timing is right. He must have been anxious about it because he had a dream the other night that he turned up for the job and he was naked. Now that would be a disaster!

My son is on the computer.

And I am blogging.

Now I shall get up and make myself a cup of tea and have one of those very healthy over priced things I bought at the health food shop. A soy icecream vegan biscuit thing. Believe me, it tastes as good as it sounds.......

Nom, nom, nom.



Print Friendly and PDF

Friday, August 26, 2011


Note to self.

Don't let teenage son use wheedle power to snaffle your laptop so he can use Skype to talk to friends while he plays Xbox online.

He might think it can happen again.

It won't.

No matter how wheedly gets.


Sent from my bloody iPhone
Print Friendly and PDF

Sunday, August 21, 2011


Two months ago a pile of timber arrived in my driveway.

On Saturday I moved my stuff into the new studio. Most of it anyway. The rest of it today.

This morning the sunshine looked beautiful in the room through the skylight. In summer it will be hot and I am getting a special shade cover made to reduce the heat. I may look at some louvres to block of the light on those scorching hot days.

The room smells of wood and tung oil.

It did not take long to fill the empty space.

I have a lot of work to do to get it tidy and organised. I felt quite overwhelmed by it all.

On Saturday I went to the hairdressers and had my hair cut. It's a bit shorter than I expected and I am unsure if I like it. I have to fiddle with it to get it just right. It's just different now.

This weekend we finally got things organised in the house. Boxes were able to be emptied from the garage and K had his space back. Books went back on shelves and things looked normal.

The lawns were mowed and edges done. I went down to do some grocery shopping and it seemed as if everyone had something to do in their front yard. The weather was perfect. Warm and sunny. I hung out the washing and it smelt beautiful from the outside air. The front and back doors were left open and fresh air filled the house.

Who would want to stay inside on such a day. Oh, wait, my son. But he did go to the movies with a friend later in the afternoon which was nicely sociable of him.

Later on I baked the most deliciously unhealthy orange cake. Loads of butter and eggs. I made enough for two cakes and will take one to work.

Spring is so close now and the days are longer. I love this move out of the cold months.

Another week ahead and more sunshine on its way.




Print Friendly and PDF