It's been a long, long time since I have been so unladylike as to do a fart post.
I know I used to do them all the time (the posts as well as the farts) but I stopped for some reason.
I think the reason is something to do with getting older. Seriously, it does.
I was saying to my husband this morning that farting is not so funny when you get older because it implies lack of bodily functions. As though the aging process has brought along with it the inability to control ones farts.
I might digress here. A few months ago I was spreading a piece of toast with jam and I noticed that I had my mouth a bit open as I did it. I freaked. Why was my mouth hanging open loosely like the local village idiot?
Was it because my muscles were losing strength as I was aging?
After that episode I became uptight about whether or not my mouth was suddenly hanging open. Not hanging open like a giant cave, but, you know, kind of relaxed. I know I open my mouth to put on my mascara but that is in a controlled way.
The odd occasion it did drop even just a millimetre I would think "Oh, fuck, my mouth is out of control" and purse my lips tightly together.
Then I got sick of it and it stopped itself. I think I had traumatised myself and created some psychological process of slack mouth disorder.
So, back to farting.
Tonight we went out for an Indian meal with the group I did the Oxfam walk with. It has taken that long to catch up. I don't eat out much and I certainly don't eat Indian food because it is a bit rich and gives me a stomach ache.
However, I managed to eat a reasonable hot dish called chicken saag or something. It was pretty rich and now, over two hours later, I have the sensation of food wanting to come back up.
But, there is a bonus to this. I have been doing the WORST farts. They are so bad that I am really, really pleased about it.
They are empowering.
I wish I was in a crowded lift because I would share them just for a reaction.
It would be okay because everyone would just think I was a middle aged woman who has lost control of my faculties.
Oh, and I have the worst breath.
Funny how food that tastes so nice on the way in can change so much on the way out.