Friday, September 03, 2010

Bogged And Boring

I thought I may just upload this photo because I like having the odd picture of family members now and then. Black and white photos always bring forth a feeling that is quite complex and melancholy. The whole time passing thing and life's experiences.

This photo is my mother. When I look at her in this photo I wonder if she knew where life would be taking her. Did she realised what sort of man she had married? Well, she would have by then of course and the violence started on their wedding day when he stabbed the bed with a knife when she accidentally walked in on him as he was getting dressed for the wedding.

I look at her face and wonder what she is thinking as she poses for the photo. She is so young. Out here with no family or friends. And married to someone who will make the next twenty four years of her life pretty miserable.

But this post is not about my mother or her life. It is about me and the corner of the room of life I happen to be stuck in at the moment.

I am bogged down. Bogged down by the whole work and life stuff that gets into hamster mode now and then. I cannot be bothered doing much and am not exactly sure how to change that or even sure I can be bothered. It must be a phase and I suppose I have been through it before but have chosen to forget it because being bogged down is pretty dreary.

Blogging has become so far down the chain of priorities. I lie in bed and think of what I want to write and then just forget about it when I drift off. During the day I think of things I want to record about my day and nothing happens.

A lot of this is directly connected to the increase in my work hours. Two extra work hours each day calculates into ten hours less time for me to do what I want each week. I have exchanged "me" time for work time. I would whinge about it but I figure that I am pretty lucky to have a great job. It is not the job as such, it is the lack of time that annoys me.

We had an extra long cold and wet winter this year and I just felt like every second day was a wet and grey one and I am most definitely more of a free spirit in the warmer months with their long days. So many nights I have gone to sleep with the sound of rain outside and then woken up to the same sound in the morning.

This year I have realised something that is a bit difficult to fix easily. I am a bit lonely. I don't mean lonely at home or in my marriage or at my work. I mean lonely in myself somewhere I cannot quite put my finger on. The lack of a like minded friend nearby sometimes gets me down. It is not a lonely feeling that makes me sad. It is a lonely feeling that makes me sigh. Eventually I will muddle through it and adjust but I do feel it keenly now and then.

I have a little list of things to do to get me out of this lonely corner and have started to motivate myself a bit more. There is no standing still on the road to finding some sort of peaceful place. You get to one place only to find things around have changed and a new place is required. Work changes, family changes and just priority changes.

Life is not static. Especially internal life. It changes all the time and there is no finite point. Every time I think i have reached some sort of okay mindset something in me wants to change or shift a little and I feel the need to be or do more.

I feel like I am a boring person these days.

Boring to myself which is rather unbearable.

Boring and lonely.

Lucky I work full time.

Otherwise I would be a bored and lonely housewife!

Oooooh. Wouldn't that make a good blog read?

Nope, just a boring git who needs to get out more.

That's me.

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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Move It!

I know I have made reference to my son's lack of movement before, but I really need to vent today as he is just so slow it does my head in.

When my son wakes up in the morning.....oh, wait, no, I mean "when my son is WOKEN up in the morning", we have to yell at him to get up. He responds with a series of grunts and promises before he rolls into an upright position on the bed and then sits there waiting for something to happen. Not sure what. Maybe for his clothes to appear on him like he is an Avatar or something.

Yesterday morning he was getting dressed in his room at his usual leisurely pace. All his clothes are ready for him so he does not have to think about where to find them. So, I get into the shower, wash my hair etc. and then get out, dry myself and get dressed. Say, fifteen minutes at least and twenty minutes at the most.

Then, I get out of the bathroom and check on my son and he is lying on his bed half dressed.

"What are you doing?" I half yell.

"Resting," he replies casually as though that is what one does when one is in the process of getting dressed.

"Get dressed," I fully yell.

His response is to begrudgingly shift into an upright position and slowly inspect his socks that he has to put on. By the way, don't even get me started on his sock saga. I blogged about it once and NOTHING has changed, in fact, things are worse. Socks have to be soft and inside out or they annoy his feet.

It took him another twenty minutes to get dressed.

This morning it took him twenty minutes to put his socks and shoes on. Actually, it was one sock and two shoes as he was schlepping around the house in his uniform but only one sock on before I yelled at him to hurry.

Everyday he walks to school eating his breakfast because I refuse to drive him the five minutes to school and have forbidden my husband from driving him because it makes him an "enabler" to my son's sloth like tendencies. Last term my husband got into the habit of driving him and my son just adopted an even more slug like movement each morning because he knew he would be driven to school.

I do get frustrated but deep down I know he is doomed to be a slow poke in the morning because I am the same. Only I have it sorted after forty odd years of being called lazy or slow. Well, I say sorted but the fact is I just no longer give a shit and work according to my body clock and that is more productive than trying to turn me into an early bird. However, I do set an example and move faster than him in the morning.

My husband also confessed that his mother was always saying to him to hurry, hurry and hurry. It must be hard wired.

But I figure I have to at least push him because if I don't instill some sense of urgency into him at this age, well, he will never get it.

And even if he does get it he will just say "meh" and be who he is.

Which is fine once he moves out of home.

So, going by today's trend with kids moving out, I have about another, say, twenty years of yelling to do.

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