More about Growing Up

Today S went to his friends house again. Rode his bike.

Then tonight he tells me that he went to 7 Eleven on the bike with his friend which means they crossed a busy road. Apparantly they crossed at the lights.

S is out there, in a world away from me, seeing things without me, experiencing things that have nothing to do with me. I know he is not even thinking of me and even though part of me understands that this process is normal it makes me feel sad in a way I have not felt before and I need to digest this sadness and try to understand it. I love S so much and that I have to share him with the world is hard but good and frightening and I wonder if I am yet grown up enough to tackle it all as a grown up should. Sensibly, smoothly, thoughtfully and firmly. In my head all of the opposites are happening. All the "what ifs" are falling out and tumbling in my thinking space and screaming at me "WHAT IF?". Then the Sensible me comes out, picks up the What Ifs and puts them away. Pointless thoughts the "what ifs" so they really need to just sit quietly in the background and let Ms Grown Up do her stuff.

It makes me so anxious and I tell K it is hard for me to deal with.

He says I have to deal with it and there will be even more of that now that S is growing up and wanting to do things.

It is hard to love something so much and yet know you have to let it go bit by bit each day.

Love makes me want to hold him close but it also makes me want him to be happy and brave in the big world without me.

I am going to FREAK when S gets a car!!!

Ciao

LC

Fitness

It is a long journey to getting fit and not a particularly enjoyable one at that. It is easier to treat exercise as something that will reward you after you have partaken in it. Not like a glass of wine or a delicious meal. Hard exercise is a bit unpleasant, hurts and can even make you vomit. But to feel fit, to fit into clothes and look good, to have sparkly skin, bright eyes and a clear mind is the reward from that exercise.

Tonight I went for a jog having decided that I am actually going to do a little fun run in May of this year. Only 4kms but the fact I am going to join others and commit myself has really made me stop and look at what I need to do. So I jogged a solid 2.4 km, then walked about 500 metres, jogged 500 metres, then walked and jogged another 1.2 kms before finishing of with a 1.2 km jog. Which makes it 6kms. The one thing that slows me down is my stomach. I get the most awful gut pain which is not a stitch as such, but more like a major muscle ache. I have decided that I may try the old pain killers before jogging just to see if that helps. Anyway, I am doing this four times a week and then be ready for this fun run.

Bought a new pair of joggers today and they gave me a fucking blister on each foot in the weirdest spot. Looks like thicker socks and bandaids until I settle into them. They are the most horrible pale blue colour but they were from DFO and reduced from $180 to $100 so I had to just ignore the fact they were a gross colour.

It is now 9.00 pm and I am deciding whether or not to go to bed as I am absolutely stuffed. Need a cup of tea first.

Tomorrow is work and then I have to go to the doctors in the evening after getting a phone call from them about some results from January. Which is annoying and a teeny bit worrying. Whenever the doctor rings you to come in you know that means more tests and poking around.

Ciao

LC

Letting Go

I cannot help but notice how much S has grown up in the past three months. Not just physically, but also in maturity and attitude to things. His sense of humour is more specific and he shows a certain level of wit and sarcasm that tells me that he gets the all round "picture of life" in a more refined way.

So I guess this all means that, as a mother, I have to learn to let go.

The other day K bought him a new BMX bike. S was so pleased and wanted to ride it around the block. I said okay. And I was okay with that. Although I did hang around in the front yard under the pretence of gardening whilst waiting for him to get back.

Today he had a friend visit after school. This boy is a nice kid, lives around the corner and possibly enjoys a bit more freedom than S does. When it came to his friend going home S asked if he could ride his bike with him. His friend is about 10 minutes walk away and only crosses a couple of side streets to get home. I said that was fine but for S to ride home straight away.

I watched them leave. Then about three minutes later I stood on the corner and watched them. S had let his friend ride the bike and walked alongside. I watched them talking, the hand movements and the little world they were moving in. They went all the way up the street and then turned the corner. I went back home and then after a few minutes popped back out to see when S was coming back. About another 10 minutes passed and no sign of the boy and bike appeared around the corner. So I went back inside, picked up my house keys and, shutting the front door behind me made my way up the street to see where he was. I got to the corner, looked up and there was S pedalling hard and he waved at me.

He came closer and said "mum, were you watching me the whole way" and I said "well, yes, no, kind of.". He rolled his eyes and I added "just give me time, it is hard being a mum sometimes". He was fine with that.

It really is hard to let go but I know I have to.

Tonight he jumped into bed and I noticed that his pyjama shorts looked tight on him. He had outgrown them. Big boy I thought to myself. Growing up too fast.

But, as I tucked him into bed and piled his special toys under the doona and around his legs to keep him company, I bent down and kissed him and he said "I love you" and I realised that no matter how big he gets, he is always going to be my baby and I will always have trouble letting go.

Ciao

LC

Ebay - Oh Dear

In the past month I have spent about $500 on Ebay.

Two necklaces, one ring, one pair of earrings and a 1960's toy set from the UK (which was a big spend).

I felt a real guilty pleasure about it all.

I think it is a substitute for not being able to eat what I want.

Ciao

LC

Work and People

As much as I like to work, I personally would rather win a large amount of money and do constructive and interesting things that I enjoyed as opposed to sitting at a desk five days in a row and doing the paper work and other not particularly exciting things.

Now, that is not to say that I don't like my work as I do in a "well it could be worse" kind of way. I am just thinking about what I would rather do.

Recently I have a new addition to my work and that is J who is helping plough through the pile of paperwork that had, over some months, reached epic proportions. Not only that, I am ready to do some other more interesting things and data entry and filing just does not cut it. J is okay, talks a lot and she asked to have her pay reviewed after I saw her checking out my hourly rate on my time sheet that she was filing, just after coming back from a toilet break. And that kind of pissed me off. But I did see her do it and she kind of pushed the calculator away as she heard my footsteps and then half an hour later asked if, after three months, her pay could be reviewed. And that is fine, and I am not even sure why I am being so mealy mouthed in even writing it my blog, but I need to since the sensation of someone being sneaky behind my back has left me with a bad taste in my mouth. But she is good and so very capable and I just have to accept that the nature of people makes them do strange things.

It reminded me of the old story about grape pickers who were happy with $2 an hour until they found out that another group got $5 per hour. Anyway, enough of me being snitchy. I have vented and can now move on.

Not exactly sure where I am meant to be moving on to, so let me think.

Oh yeah, finally, finally have shoved my tax paperwork into an envelope ready for the accountant. I hate doing that and each year I leave it until the last minute. I believe it is because I know that I am going to have to pay some money into the coffers of the ATO. Which is perfectly reasonable, but I do not want to do it.

I have been very organised in the food department and cooking lately. And in fact, tonight I cooked the most delicious hamburgers for S and K and managed to sneak in lots of lentils and grated carrot in the hope that extra nutrition would be absorbed by them both. Ignoring, of course, the fact that the hamburgers were cooked in olive oil and are fatty!! They went down well and once again it appears that I have cooked enough to feed a family of six as opposed to two (me not touching them). So they will sit in the fridge and save me the hassle of cooking dinner for the next two nights.

Unfortunately I have scoffed a large amount of pretzels which always give me a stomach ache. But I love those yummy, crunchy, salty, kosher and sesame laden swirls and when I get them near me I eat more than I can handle. Mmmmm, I love the smell of them when I open the packet. Makes my mouth water when I think about it!

K is in the process of building me another push bike. This one is bright lemon yellow with rod brakes. He is a bit annoyed that I am insisting on having chrome baskets on the front and the back of the bike and thinks it will spoil the lines. But what is the point of having a bike if I cannot go shopping with it? I keep threatening to get a pair of red tartan pants to pedal in and really look like the town twit.

I may have mentioned that I sold my car. Dear little Honda now lives in Adelaide. I am now driving K's dads car which is a 17 year old Honda Accord. Now, it was top of the range when it was purchased and has lots of luxurious things in it and initially I was thinking I would be happy to drive it for a year or so until I decided what other car to get. But, well, I am ashamed to say that I am, well, embarrassed to be driving it. I hate the colour, the shape and the look of the daggy thing. And, because it is older it looks like I have had it from new (due to my vintage) which makes me feel older. Is that shallow or what. I have convinced myself that I need a newer car due to the safety things like air bags etc. And that it hurts my back getting in and out of a car so low after being up high in my old Honda.

Look, let's be honest about this. I want a nicer car because it makes me feel better. There, I have said it. I hate 80's cars. They are ugly as and I refuse to be seen in one for much longer.

And, guess what car I am going to get! A newer model CRV.

So there!

Ciao

LC

Moomba

Three of us decided we would drive the car to the Yarra River in Toorak and then ride our bikes into the City. It was so congested that we had to park in one of the shitty side streets and then pedal to the river to get to the bike track.

Well, I am not sure what exactly transpired in the five minutes of me getting on my bike and S getting on his but within that five minutes a very ugly scene happened and both of us were completely overtaken by a hostile and foul mood which almost resulted in me riding away, far away, whacking S across his back (when I really wanted to slug him) and mouthing the words "fuck off" to K. We finally get to the bike track and K has S pedalling 20 metres in front of him and me 20 metres behind, both of us seething and silent. S wishing I was dead and me wishing someone would hand me divorce papers to sign so I could just GO AWAY!!! I mean I was seeing red and seething with hostility until I pedalled the mood away and focused on other stuff.

But, by the time we got close to the City we had settled slightly and were happy again. K said it was bad for him as he was stuck in the middle. S said it was awful with those moods and strange when it suddenly lifted. It appears he is so much like me and at least recognises it early in his life rather than spending years reacting to it. K kept saying to me to say nothing to S since it just added flame to the fire. Silence is the only way when it happens.

Moomba was just gross. Overcrowded and full of unsavoury low brows who come out of the woodwork for Moomba and the Royal Melbourne Show. Ugly teenagers, bogans and crowds of people who smoke, yell and dress in really bad clothes. For example, do I really need to see a plethora of low cut tops revealing big breasts with ugly tattoos on them? Or tattoos on bum cracks? Nasty. The noise was bad, a mix of speakers, music, loud voices, rides and announcements from the water skiing event. S felt that Moomba is nothing but blah blah and he thought it would be better but it never is.

We got home at about 4.00 pm and were so relieved. The day was windy which made the whole bike ride harder, S complained because his bike does not have gears and he had to pedal like mad to get up hills and my back wheel has a twist in it and the brakes kept grabbing and I had to pedal twice as hard. And, my bike helmet is ugly and too big. I know all bike helmets are ugly but mine is old and brown and shabby. I am getting a new one this week. Normally I use S's when I am on my own but have to resort to my shitty one when the three of us are out. It just matched my daggy clothes.

And, whilst I was pedalling I notice the Park Rangers in their water boats and their trousers are exactly the same colour as my new ones I bought the other day and now I am pissed off even more. Not only that, today I had the park ranger pants on with my funky quilted fitted navy jacket and I said to K and S "Oh my God, I have turned into one of those women with smart pants and a quilted jacket that I used to hang it on, all I need is a smart short hair cut to complete the whole middle aged thing!"

Anyway, could have been worse. It could have rained.

Got home and feel much happier. I hate crowds, I hate strange people's bare skin touching mine when I am out. It must be a getting older thing because it was never an issue beforehand. Plus the whole windy day and noise was agitating and too stimulating in my head.

Mmmm, I love getting home to my cave, it feels so soothing after a day like today.

Going to bake a cake now.

Ciao

LC

Horse Manure

Every time I drive to Chadstone I see a handwritten sign outside a house that says "Horse Manure $2.00 per bag". And I think that is good to do. Keep a horse and ride it on the weekend, bag the manure and get a bit of money. Recycle etc.

Anyway, the other day I drove past and the same sign was there with one small change. The $2.00 had been crossed out and changed to $3.00 per bag.

Whilst I am aware of what drives the forces of the economy and why we have price rises, interest rate rises and general cost of living increases, I am completely unsure why a bag of horse manure, that someone has obviously shovelled up from the place where the horse lives, should increase. Even if the cost of the horse food should increase along with cost of agisting the animal, how a person can justify increasing a bag of horse shit by 30% really intrigues me. It is not as though they are keeping the horse for profit (trust me, I saw the bags that manure was filling), it is a hobby. Just how many bags would you have to sell to cover your costs? More than half a dozen and that is a lot to ask a horse to produce on a regular basis. So why be greedy.

Still, it is cheap. I may buy a bag. Maybe four bags and resell them for $4.00 each! Without having to have the job of shovelling it all into the sack.

Now that is how you make REAL money. By getting someone else to do the dirty work!

Ciao

LC