I worked from home on Thursday and got a lot done. But I think this week I will work Monday to Thursday at work and take a leave day off on Friday. I'm going to be making an effort to do that once a month so that I am able to catch up with personal things and get some free time in the studio.
Work has been very hard this February. We always have the most hideous cash flow this time of year and this year is no different. I am beyond giving a shit about answering the phone when people ask for money, I just say it as it is. We have more money owing to us than we owe out so that is all I care about. Tax and superannuation is up to date and each week we pay the boys wages. In that sense all is good but in business good cash flow is king.
I won't deny that it has not made me feel a bit more anxious than usual but it's what I call a "rational anxiety" in that I can explain it to myself and get on with things. Irrational anxiety is quite another matter. That requires a different approach.
My additional medication has been going well so far. It would be reasonable to say that I don't feel so incredibly joyless everyday. I feel different. However, it will be a few more weeks before I can be confident about it. I no longer take for granted my frame of mind and value good days so very much.
I am going back to the psychiatrist on Friday for an update. I'm not going to 'fess up to drawing him naked. I'm guessing he knows already.
On another note, I have to confess that I am very bad at remembering birthdays and anniversary dates. Important dates pass me by. Appointments are something I will miss if they are not in the iPhone along with multiple alarms to remind me of a forthcoming event I have to go to. I know people who recall the date they met there loved one and I have no idea. I know the year and that is it.
But this time I have really excelled at getting it wrong.
Last night K and I went out for dinner and got into conversation about how we met and during the course of the conversation we were asked how long we had been married. We said that we had just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. To which one girl said "oh, so you got married in 1990" and K said "no, it was 1991 wasn't it?" and I replied that it was. Which means that we have only been married for 24 years and not 25. Needless to say that made for lots of laughing. Everytime I think about how we celebrated our 25th anniversary I can't work out how I got it so wrong.
Maybe it just feels like it's been 25 years. I'm not sure I'll mention this fantastic oversight to anyone at work because I don't think I'd live that one down and it would only serve to once again confirm my kooky personality. Plus, if I can't get the amount of years I have been married correct what does that say about my number skills?
We have a new person starting at work on Tuesday. She is helping in the office with answering phone, data entry and filing. Three days a week. It will be great and take a lot of pressure off me and J. So life once again will change in the office. My feelings about it are strange. It's busy, I get on with everyone, work gets done. But part of me feels a bit bored or something. I've been working there for a long time and wonder if this is it. I have no reason to leave because I do love working there despite the boredom. So I think something is going on inside me as opposed to my work environment. And that is something that perhaps takes time to work out.
Last night I had to take something to ensure a good sleep after having three nights of poor sleep. When I woke up I decided to take it easy and before getting ready for the day I sat and had breakfast, read most of a very good book and chilled. Around midday I went to the hairdressers to get a trim. Outside was so hot. Like opening an oven door and I decided not to do the usual meander down the street once she had finished. So I headed home and finished the book and mosied around. Changed the bed linen, did some laundry, cooked dinner and suddenly evening crept in. Sometimes you need to do nothing kind of days.
I'm a bit aimless at the moment. Maybe I need a holiday or a change of environment - which kind of is a holiday I guess. But I don't know exactly what it is I feel like doing. I'm stuck in my head. As though I have reached a blank space and don't know how to decorate it or how to step over it. It's an emotional blank space I think. It's not like being stuck in a rut either. Nothing springs to mind as such. I have my art work and that is a constant. Always there waiting for me and part of me.
So lately I spend time how I can action this feeling. Do I add something into the mix. Put another thing on my plate? Get another tattoo? Oh, yes. Now that is on the cards and has been for ages. I have a strong idea in my head but do not want to act on it until I feel 100% in a good and strong mental place. Even I know not to get a tattoo when fragile or filled with too much angst.
Well, until I work out what it is I am aimless about I may as well think about going to bed.
And this post has taken for ever.
Time for bed.