Saturday, May 09, 2015

Saturday 9th May

2007
I thought I might do a post this week rather than waiting another two weeks.  Not sure why I thought that.  I'm sitting in the kitchen and it's not late enough for bed but too late to start on anything in particular.

I was up this morning at around 6.45 am to get ready and be down at the beach for a 7.30 am cardio class.  Getting my legs to swing out of bed to allow my feet to touch the floor is the hardest part. Once that happens I am kind of okay with the rest of the stuff.  Get dressed and get going.

Today was loosely based on last week only in a different section.  Running along sandy tracks, up ramps, running into a head wind, running up and down stairs.  Variations of a theme which is to make me empty my morning energy tank within an hour.

On the way home I picked up bread from the bakery and then once home I sat and had toast for breakfast. This was followed by left over cheese from book club.  I then had to throw the cheese out because I don't need to have double brie cheese in my fridge free for the taking.  I will just eat it, feel ill and then eat more, feel ill and so on.

The rest of the day was spent just doing the usual household things around the house.  These activities were broken by periods of time spent sitting on the lounge chair fiddling with my phone because I was so tired after my exercise.  Then I snoozed a bit.  To clear my head I took Mr Benny for a 3km walk and that helped.

All in all, it was one of those days where not much was achieved but I was okay with it.  I'll catch up tomorrow.

My son went to a party last night.  He drank a bit much but had a great time.  It was an 18th birthday party and there were about 100 people there.  All kids had to be signed off the list and had to provide a note (or sms permission) from their parents that they were allowed to drink if they were under 18. Parties are quite different these days.   Although he had a great time he said he is kind of over parties for a while.  I think it is because he has to pay for his drinks and his drink selection is a bit pricey.

S is going out with friends for his 18th to some ratty bar in the city.  The three of us will go out for dinner but he wants nothing else.  I am okay with that but I like to offer and give him the right of refusal (or acceptance).  People don't always like to celebrate their birthdays in a big way.

I've done very little in regards to my art work. It is as though I cannot move on it.  The ideas are there and I jot them down to attend to later.  The visual aspects to what I want to draw are in my head but I just cannot motivate myself to get into it.  I do other stuff and not very interesting stuff either - houseworky shit.  I dread that I will be the same in ten years time.  The epic creative procrastinator.  I even have the book of all my drawings 90% finished and still I just don't pull my finger out and finish it completely.  It's just very frustrating.  The harder I try, the more it becomes an issue.

I sometimes wonder if the medication I take is a bit inclined to make me less motivated.  The idea of taking the mood stabilisers is to even my mood out and it does that.  The idea of taking the anti depressant is to stop the chronic and pervasive depression and it does that too.  But by removing the mood swings and taking away the depression I feel as though the medications have taken away the extremes I used to experience which were great drivers for getting my art work done.  Nowadays I feel quite numb.  Sort of like "the lights are on but nobody's home" sensation.  The anti depressants are the ones that do that - the last time I took them the same issue happened.  Hmmmmm. It's a bit shitful.

However, tempted as I am at times to go off the medication and just feel those huge emotions, I can still recall, as though it were yesterday, how utterly awful I felt in 2013 when I was really, really losing it and towards the end of 2013 when I was sitting on the bathroom floor with my head in my hands trying to hold in the pressure building up and the screaming sensation going on inside my skull.  I can recall lying in bed and saying to K how frightened I was by what was happening in my head.  Since I never spoke like that then you can imagine how concerned he was.  And I can still picture me sitting in the office with K because I was too scared to be on my own while I felt the way I did.  Why would I want to go back to that?

The other day I when I was at work I put my headphones on to block out the office noise.  I don't listen to music, I listen to binaural beats accompanied by a particular noise as it helps me relax and focus.  These days I choose forest noises.  When I was experiencing "bad head" I used to listen to the binaural beats with a tribal noise.  I accidentally chose this combination on Thursday and hearing it made me panic because all of the feelings I had at the time rushed back into me and it felt as though it were happening again.  I was quite surprised and it took a while to stop thinking about how such a little thing could do that.

So, it's a price to pay isn't it.  Medication alleviates some awfully unpleasant things.  Yet it takes away something quite life giving.  I will just have to approach my artwork in a different way, I just need to work out how.  Perhaps if I schedule time in for it, just as I do with exercise.  At a certain time each week I just sit down and do my art work.  I've thought of that and part of me actually thinks my art work is not important enough to schedule time for. It's something I should approach after everthing else is done.  Is it because I consider it a pleasureable activity and thus I'm somehow being self indulgent if I do it?

Well, it's late.  Past my bedtime.  Tomorrow is Sunday and I need to be a bit organised.  I want to get up earlyish and get stuff done in the morning.

Then maybe do my artwork.

Or at least think a lot about it.

Where's that kick up the arse when you need it?

linda x



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Saturday, May 02, 2015

Saturday 2nd May


A day short of two weeks since I last posted.  I wish I had an exciting life and could entertain you with great stories of my wonderful travels and life experiences.

Unfortunately, at this point in time, I can't do that.  So I shall entertain you instead with stories of the routine of my life.

I read somewhere about a man who wrote a book about travels in his bedroom.  He went into great depth about what pyjama's he was wearing and what he saw in one part of his bedroom and things like that.  The book was written over 100 years ago so I think he was unlikely to have regaled us with stories of any hanky panky that went on.

I presume the book had some level of popularity otherwise I would not be able to actually talk about it.

Speaking of books, I have book club this Wednesday.  I think it will be a full house as the last one had to be cancelled due to it falling on the school holidays and most of the group were away.  I think there must be at least ten of us and in my little house it's crowded when we are all together.

Because it falls on the same day I go to the psychiatrist I have to have everything organised before hand.  In the past I could just leave a bit early from work and get it all sorted on the day.  So today I went out to pick up four books.  We have a list we work from and I spent a lot of time going through the latest releases to make sure that I was not going to double up or pick a shitty one.  The local book shop only had two of them and tomorrow I will go to a great independent book shop and hopefully get the other two.

Then I bought cheese.  And finally after MANY years I finally purchased a proper cheese board and cheese knives.  It was such a simple and inexpensive purchase and I don't understand why I did not do it sooner.  There have been many times I needed both these things.

This morning I was up early and down off to the beach for a 7.30 hour long class of cardio.  It was hard.  Needless to say there was running.  Running on grass, running on sand, running on gravel, running on dirt.  Running down a hill. Running up a hill.  Running up and down a ramp five times.  I was very tired by the time I got home and the shower was the most welcome thing.

Overall today has been a good day.  I've been a bit ratty after seeing the psych on Wednesday and I think this is normal as there is no way I could just walk out from that office and act like I had just been chatting about the weather.  It's quite challenging, very emotional and so different to when I did therapy a few years ago.

Wednesday week ago at Dr T's was a very unsettling consultation for a number of reasons (none of which I am going to go into).  It was followed by awful dreams/nightmares that night and the recurrence of a really scary dream I used to have all the time as a child and right through until my late twenties and then it faded away and only rarely showed itself.  It usually means I am not on top of things in my headspace.  We discussed the dreams this week and then I left his office in a mood that was different to the one I had when I arrived there.

What else?  Not much.  Go to work.  Exercise.  Weekend is all about getting ready for the week ahead.  Just the usual life thing.  Though I keep hoping that one day I may get my front garden made pretty again.  That is a looming job and I think I am making a mountain out of a mole hill.

It's always at this point in a post I just feel as though there is seriously nothing more to say.  It's like those paragraphs above make up the sum of me and nothing else.  I could talk about politics, natural disasters that are going on right at this moment, terribly injustices happening in far too many parts of the world.  Or perhaps I could talk about poverty in so called Western civilized countries.  Or maybe gender inequality.  Or bigotry.  Or so called wholesome religious organisations that are against pretty much any person or group who does not go with their beliefs.  Oh, I could go on and on about so much that goes on outside of my front door and outside of yours but we see it in the newspapers every day.  It's on television.  On the internet.  It flows like water from a river that has burst its banks in a storm and then we are drowned by it.

I read newspapers.  I watch the news.  I trawl through the internet (and not always on trashy websites) to see what is happening.  I absorb it into my psyche and think of it all the time.  In the back of my head is a dialogue going on about things that are out of my control.

So when I ramble on about mindless things that go on in my small life, it's not because I don't know what is going on in this world that we all live on.  It's because I really don't want to be another voice amongst the thousands.  I have nothing to add to it all.

The world is not a peaceful place really.  So I try to keep my little world peaceful.

And that is why I don't really say much.

lc x
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Sunday, April 19, 2015

Sunday 19th April


Two weeks have passed since I almost suffered "death by chocolate" on Easter Sunday.  Yep.  I really overdid it.  There were lots of those little chocolate Easter eggs that are wrapped in pretty foil. Lots and lots.  So sweet and small and easy to unwrap, pop in ones mouth and let it melt slowly.  Only to do it again.  And again.

In the late afternoon I felt quite ill and at one point I bent down to pick something from off the kitchen floor and experienced the awful feeling of chocolate vomit wanting to come back up.  So I stopped.

I really had a two week binge over the lead up to Easter.  It's always the same.  Hot cross buns and chocolate.  In fact, lately I've been indulging more than I would have in the past, way more and as a result have put in about a kilogram.  I've been back on track for two weeks but it's a bit harder now I am older.

The Wednesday after Easter was a trip to the psych.  I made some comment about putting on weight and initially thinking it was the medication.  He asked if I believed it was.  I said I wanted it to be the medication but, sadly, it was a lack of self control by me.  We both laughed at that.

Now I see him every Wednesday at his city office.  My first trip in was last week and it was very different to the usual consultation as now I am stable we can talk about things in a more in depth way. It was awkward at first because I was in a different environment, had driven in busy traffic and had to park my car a ten minute walk away so I felt a bit disoriented.

The room is not very brightly lit which gives off a more relaxing feel.  He has lamps as well as a window that allow enough light.  There is a couch and two armchairs in the room, all of which are covered in purple velvet,  along with a couple of small wooden side tables.  I sit opposite him.  I find the furniture distracting as, to me, purple feels like an aggressive colour.  I kept running my hands over the extremely wide arms of the chair, not because I was nervous (not that I was aware of) but because of the soft feeling of the velvet.  Despite the distraction of that and my excessive fidgeting it all went okay.

So, on the way home I was concentrating on the traffic and listening to music.  Not really thinking too much of what conversations had transpired in the room as not much was very specific.  However, as the evening went on I felt unsettled and recalled that I felt the same way when I first used to go the therapy years ago.  It took ages to get to sleep and during the night I was awake for a few hours and subsequently felt like shit when I woke up.

Fortunately I was working from home the next day and so could just get on with work and not be sociable (meaning pleasant) to anyone. Working from home also gave me the chance to schlep in my yoga pants and let my hair dry naturally.  By the end of the day my hair was the most fantastic mass of silver fairy floss.  Since taking my medication my hair has inexplicably increased in curliness to the point where it is hard to blow dry to a semblance of straight.


Anyway, I worked at the kitchen table all day long in the silent house.  I was very productive despite being very tired.  At around 4pm though I had to go and sleep for an hour as I was starting to feel unwell with fatigue.  Later on I decided to forgo group exercise and took Mr Benny for a 6km walk which woke me up for a short time.

It took until Saturday until I felt settled again.  Well, that is until I had to get up very early and be down at the beach for a one hour cardio class at 7.30 am.  Since I am going to the psychiatrist's on Wednesday after work I cannot make it to exercise class as well and have had to pick up another class.  Fortunately I have been doing four nights of solid exercise each week so doing the Saturday morning cardio, although unpleasant, is not as hard as I expected.  However, I think I am going to have to do a couple of marathons to run off the extra layer of fat I am carrying thanks to my Easter indulgence.

Last night my brother and his family came over to dinner to celebrate his birthday.  It was a noisy night and I drank three big glasses of wine.  The last time I had a drink was Christmas and last night I was a bit drunk before they even arrived.  My brother took over some of the cooking which involved frying cooked vegetables in butter, honey and some herbal salt I have.  It was so tasty that my vegetable hating son ate plenty.  Later on he said to me that if I cooked vegetables like the way my brother did he would eat plenty of them.  I said I am not soaking any vegetables in butter.  But, then again, if it gets veges into him maybe I will.

My nephews are noisy.  My brother is noisy. Non stop noisy.  Talking all the time.  Talking at me. Talking to each other. At loud levels too.  My youngest nephew was doing a lot of over talking to the point where my ears hurt and I said to him "D, it's 8.30pm and after 8.30pm I am a bitch so tone it down or else".  He toned it down for about three minutes.  He is exactly the same as my brother was as a young kid. Can't keep still and can't stop talking.  Ants in his pants.  But both of the boys are good kids even if noisy.

When the evening drew to a close and they left we shut the front door and the house was enveloped in complete silence and we all sighed with relief.

Today was almost like a Winter day.  Chilly and wet.  Now and then the blue sky showed through dark grey clouds.  I spent most of the day doing household things like laundry.  And laundry. Plus some laundry.  I made a beautiful cake.  Pottered around the kitchen.  Took the dog for a walk during a rain free break in the weather.

I've done no drawing for a while but inside my head it is all happening.  Once I finish this post I will go back to a drawing that was started ages ago.

So, that is my life in a post.

If you are reading this sentence there are a few things that could have happened.

You were completely galvanized by the extremely exciting life I lead and can't believe I don't have my own reality show called "Keeping Up with Twaddle".

You kept reading wondering if my post was actually going to lead anywhere only to find it didn't and that was two minutes of your life you can't get back.

You kept reading as part of your sleep routine instead of a Thomas Hardy novel.

You wondered if I got up and ate some of the dark Lindt chocolate in the pantry at any stage of doing the post.

Let me know.

linda x

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Saturday, April 04, 2015

Saturday 4th April

I have had the most wonderful three weeks since I last posted.

Nothing particularly out of the ordinary took place.

I woke up each day.

Went to work.

Exercised.

Had a lovely beach walk one sunny Sunday.

Took Mr Benny for a few walks on other days.

Ate too much on a few days.

Just the usual day to day events that people go through.  That's it really.

However.

Not one day was I depressed.

Not one day was I anxious.

Not one day was I up and down (in a horrible way) with my moods to the point where it made it difficult to function.

It was really quite wonderful and I think it may well continue to be that way. And that is thanks to modern medicine (plus a proactive lifestyle, blah blah, blah).  The psychiatrist has helped me get the balance right. For now.  It may change but that's okay.  I can accept that because that is part of my life.

Anyway, enough of that.  Just thought I would sing it out to the blog world.  Record it for posterity.

Today I went into the city to buy some Easter eggs at my most favorite chocolate shop called Haig's. I had been here the week prior with a girlfriend when we went to see a free exhibition at the State Library.  We also walked around the library to see the permanent exhibits and also the wonderful reading room which has the most amazing glass dome which lets in the light.



I drove in and for the first time in ages the traffic was so quiet.  I think people have gone away for the four day Easter weekend and left the roads to those who like to just hang around at home.  Once in the city I parked under the Art Gallery and walked to the shop.  After I had picked up the goodies it seemed only right to have a meander around the laneways and head towards a big department store to try out some new perfume.

Melbourne laneways are often bustling hives of activities.  They are lined with cobblestone or bricks and no traffic is allowed.  Interesting clothes shops, bars and delicious eateries line each side and in some of the lanes tables sit outside waiting for customers.  On a day like today when the sun is shining it's crowded and noisy.  I love it.

Some laneways have fantastic wall art (some would say graffiti) and are photographed by tourists.

But today was not for eating, it was just a walking day.

When I got to the department store I realised it had been a while since I had poked around in the make up and perfume area.  It was huge with make up brand names I had never heard of.  Men were selling the goods as well as women.  The service had improved hugely but I have to say that I was one of the oldies walking around if you went by percentages.  But that was okay because the world is full of all age groups.

Eventually the time came where I had to head home.  Even though I could have spent the entire day just enjoying my time I had things that needed doing at home.  On the walk back to the car park I noticed a lot of people walking around draped in the Australian flag.  I thought that was strange but maybe something was happening that required people to be patriotic.

Then I got to Fed Square and could see and hear that some sort of big protest was happening.  I went over and watched it for a while.  It was quite aggressive with people shouting racist comments.  At one point I was standing next to a man who may have been from Kenya when one of the people speaking to the crowd point to him and called him a n****r.  I was so shocked as it's just something I have never seen happen on my own doorstep.  I turned to him and said something like "not everyone thinks that way".  But it left me feeling quite shaken.  The vitriol in parts of the crowd was palpable.

After a while I decided it was time to head home.  I rang K and made a joke about the protest was not moving forward as nobody got hurt and there weren't that many police.  Later on I saw on the news that it escalated with people getting hurt and arrested.  The mounted police were brought in to control the crowds.  Some people not involved in the protests were injured.  When I heard that I was kind of glad I left when I did.

I thought about it on the way home.  The whole thing bothered me.  There's an ugly side to every religion, every culture, every country.  It's never nice to see it.  For me, the world I grew up in is changing and not really in the best way.

My son is at a party tonight.  This is the third week running he has gone to a party.  I'm still getting my head around it.  What got me about this one he is at tonight is the conversation I had with him yesterday about it.  He said "I am going to T's place tomorrow night" and I said something like "Oh, what for?" and he said it was for a drinking sesh (session).  I thought WTF.  A drinking session?  I feel like a switch has gone on in his head.  For years and years K and I were worried that he was not very social and now he is out and about a lot.  It's a good thing.

Last Sunday I went for a fantastic beach walk.  The day was so warm, sky so blue.  I met K at a coffee shop half way and we sat for a while before I walked back.   People were on the beach sunbathing.  Children played in the water.  Bike riders along the bike path and people walking and running on their own path.  It was just a day that wanted to be embraced.


These glorious Autumn days that still hang onto remnants of Summer are the most wonderful days of all.  Tomorrow is the end of Daylight Savings and soon the days will become shorter and chillier. For the first time in so many years I am not feeling a sense of fear because I believe that this time I will be okay with the change of season.  In the past it has been such an issue for me.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday.  Now that S is older he does not jump up early to look for his Easter Eggs.  He lies, sloth like, in bed until mid morning and then makes his way into the light of day stopping at the fridge to drink some apple juice straight from the bottle.  So I have plenty of time to get up in the morning and hide the eggs.

I've got a feeling his breakfast won't be a healthy one.

Time for bed.

Yawn.

linda x

PS: I've been getting up from the computer every now and then and eating the chocolate eggs I am meant to be hiding tomorrow.  Mmmmmm.

PPS: No spell or grammar check.  Too tired and lazy.

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Sunday, March 15, 2015

Sunday 15th March

Poppy Sirens
Well, it's been three weeks since I last did a post.  Summer has ended and we are two weeks into Autumn.

Autumn in Melbourne is beautiful.  We still get very warm days but the mornings are hazy and cool. Today was divine.  Clear blue sky, warm breeze and the sun shone brightly.  I took Mr B for a walk late afternoon and the smell of freshly mowed lawns seemed to surround me.  It had rained last night so perhaps that encouraged people to get out and tackle the garden.

I had to go back and read my last post to work out where I was at in my head then.

I've been to the pych's rooms twice since that last post.  My anti depressants made me go into a hypomanic stage which sounds great but it was most unpleasant.  I woke up one morning with a rush of abnormal energy (usually the first sign), high agitation (second sign), over confident (third sign), anxious (fourth sign) and so on.  Also zero ability to concentrate and talking too much.

During the morning at work I managed to function productively and then an issue arose between a supplier.  Something about non delivery of goods.  Anyways, I got very cross.  Actually, I lost it. Dropped the F bomb and then had to eat humble pie and apologise.  I cannot say it was my finest moment.

For the ten days following that I had poor sleep.  Not tired. Did not want to go to bed. Forced myself to go to bed most nights. Slept like shit.   Nothing helped me sleep and my anxiety levels were through the roof.  The Valium did not work at all.  I may as well have taken a sugar pill. And I did not have a script for Temazepan.  Overall it was a rather ratty time.

Last Wednesday I saw the psych and he confirmed that the new meds had caused the hypomanic state (which is why Bipolar 1 or 2 is, as a rule, with anti depressants alone).  Soooo, I had to stop the anti depressants for two days only, get my sleep back in order and now I am back on track (I think).

I have a follow up consultation next Wednesday so crossing fingers.  He laid down a few instructions about being more mindful about the sleep.  If I am wide awake at 10.30pm and know that sleep is not going to come easily I will take something.

In between all that I have been doing the usual life stuff.  I had four days off the other week.  We had a long weekend so I took an extra day off.   Although I did not do much we did all go to theatre and see a one man play called "Wot No Fish".  It was based on a true story and was the most fantastic play.  I had booked it weeks ago and was a bit nervous wondering what K and S would think of it.  I need not have worried.  The both loved it.  It was a moving and humorous experience.  If it ever comes close to where you can see it I cannot recommend it highly enough.

We also bought a new rug for our newly polished floors.  I have come to the conclusion that my house is just one big eclectic mix of stuff.  The rug is patterned and has a black background. The pattern is almost Art Nouveau and could almost clash with things were it not for the fact I live in the house and don't give a shit.  No smooth clean lines with neutral colours for me.  I like movement. Natural materials.  Colours. Stories behind each item that arrives in the house.  Sometimes, though, I visit someone who has a house that is modern and streamlined and that too has its own appeal.

I've been drawing quite a bit and am now planning to sell some of my drawings.  A few people have asked to buy and it's only now I am okay with letting go of things I do.  In my mind this is a good shift.  Plus, it's nice to think of someone wanting a piece of my artwork.  The little flower drawing I have uploaded is destined for the UK.

Exercise, I hate it and love it.  Recently I increased my cardio and my weights just to push myself out of my lazy comfort zone and as a result I feel physically much better.  Stronger.  Healthier. Last Monday I did some leg exercises that left my butt feeling as though someone had booted me very hard.  It was bruised.  I think it was the 100 step ups with a knee lift while carrying 7kg weights in each hand.

Trouble is when you get older you have to work a lot harder to get reasonable results.  My body just won't do what it used to do without my breaking into a sweat at least four or five times a week.

My son went to his school formal a couple of weeks ago.  He looked so handsome in his suit.  Before the formal he had gone to a house party held by one of his friend's mother.  There were around 60 boys there and there was food to eat.  Most of the boys brought drinks with and S was one.  When I came home from work he was sitting at the computer looking extremely happy and slightly red eyed. He also smelt of cider.  So, it would be fair to say he was a bit drunk.

So he went to the formal feeling pretty happy.

I was speaking to him the other day about a few things.  We got onto the topic of the Internet.  I know I have mentioned that I removed all posts that had photos of S on my blog (hence no photo of his formal).  I never upload his photo of FB without his express permission.  On his own FB he has a different surname to me and very few personal photos.  He leaves a few cyber footprints as he can.

At school he is doing software development and at home he is a computer nerd.  All his web browsing and usage is done through a proxy most of the time.  He wants next to nothing about him on the web as he said you never know how it will impact his career prospects in later years.  It's interesting to hear that from him.

I have to tell you that I have been sitting here for almost two hours thinking of what to write. It's not that I have nothing to say or that nothing has happened, it's just that I am just in stare mode.  Though I have been watching tv at the same time and reading stuff on the internet.

Well, it is now 10.30pm and I have to go to bed.

And dream.

linda
x

ps - not reading this back to check all okay.


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Saturday, February 21, 2015

Saturday 21st February

May 2011
Almost a week has gone by.  I know I mention this on a regular basis but time is going rather quickly now I have officially become middle aged.  Past fifty.  Down the slippery slope.  For a short time I got up to the top of the hill and looked across at the scenery that is life before I stumbled a bit and started the unwanted skid down the other side.  Oops, down I went, my brief view a distant memory already.

I worked from home on Thursday and got a lot done.  But I think this week I will work Monday to Thursday at work and take a leave day off on Friday.  I'm going to be making an effort to do that once a month so that I am able to catch up with personal things and get some free time in the studio.

Work has been very hard this February.  We always have the most hideous cash flow this time of year and this year is no different.  I am beyond giving a shit about answering the phone when people ask for money, I just say it as it is.  We have more money owing to us than we owe out so that is all I care about.  Tax and superannuation is up to date and each week we pay the boys wages.  In that sense all is good but in business good cash flow is king.

I won't deny that it has not made me feel a bit more anxious than usual but it's what I call a "rational anxiety" in that I can explain it to myself and get on with things.  Irrational anxiety is quite another matter.  That requires a different approach.

My additional medication has been going well so far.  It would be reasonable to say that I don't feel so incredibly joyless everyday.  I feel different.  However, it will be a few more weeks before I can be confident about it.  I no longer take for granted my frame of mind and value good days so very much.

I am going back to the psychiatrist on Friday for an update.  I'm not going to 'fess up to drawing him naked.  I'm guessing he knows already.

On another note, I have to confess that I am very bad at remembering birthdays and anniversary dates.  Important dates pass me by.  Appointments are something I will miss if they are not in the iPhone along with multiple alarms to remind me of a forthcoming event I have to go to. I know people who recall the date they met there loved one and I have no idea.  I know the year and that is it.

But this time I have really excelled at getting it wrong.

Last night K and I went out for dinner and got into conversation about how we met and during the course of the conversation we were asked how long we had been married.  We said that we had just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.  To which one girl said "oh, so you got married in 1990" and K said "no, it was 1991 wasn't it?" and I replied that it was.  Which means that we have only been married for 24 years and not 25.  Needless to say that made for lots of laughing.  Everytime I think about how we celebrated our 25th anniversary I can't work out how I got it so wrong.

Maybe it just feels like it's been 25 years.  I'm not sure I'll mention this fantastic oversight to anyone at work because I don't think I'd live that one down and it would only serve to once again confirm my kooky personality.  Plus, if I can't get the amount of years I have been married correct what does that say about my number skills?

We have a new person starting at work on Tuesday.  She is helping in the office with answering phone, data entry and filing.  Three days a week. It will be great and take a lot of pressure off me and J.  So life once again will change in the office.  My feelings about it are strange.  It's busy, I get on with everyone, work gets done.  But part of me feels a bit bored or something.  I've been working there for a long time and wonder if this is it.  I have no reason to leave because I do love working there despite the boredom.  So I think something is going on inside me as opposed to my work environment.  And that is something that perhaps takes time to work out.

Last night I had to take something to ensure a good sleep after having three nights of poor sleep. When I woke up I decided to take it easy and before getting ready for the day I sat and had breakfast, read most of a very good book and chilled.  Around midday I went to the hairdressers to get a trim. Outside was so hot. Like opening an oven door and I decided not to do the usual meander down the street once she had finished.  So I headed home and finished the book and mosied around.  Changed the bed linen, did some laundry, cooked dinner and suddenly evening crept in.  Sometimes you need to do nothing kind of days.

I'm a bit aimless at the moment.  Maybe I need a holiday or a change of environment - which kind of is a holiday I guess.  But I don't know exactly what it is I feel like doing.  I'm stuck in my head.  As though I have reached a blank space and don't know how to decorate it or how to step over it.  It's an emotional blank space I think.  It's not like being stuck in a rut either.  Nothing springs to mind as such.  I have my art work and that is a constant.  Always there waiting for me and part of me.

So lately I spend time how I can action this feeling.  Do I add something into the mix.  Put another thing on my plate?  Get another tattoo?  Oh, yes. Now that is on the cards and has been for ages.  I have a strong idea in my head but do not want to act on it until I feel 100% in a good and strong mental place.  Even I know not to get a tattoo when fragile or filled with too much angst.

Well, until I work out what it is I am aimless about I may as well think about going to bed.

It's late.

And this post has taken for ever.

Time for bed.

linda x



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Sunday, February 15, 2015

Hot Sunday 15th February


Sunday afternoon and I am sitting in my warm studio.  It's such a hot day outside.  The sort of day that would burn your skin in minutes.  I could turn the air conditioner on but I kind of like to feel hot and sweaty in this room. The door is open so the studio is not completely sealed off.  The heat makes the timber smell nice, a bit like a sauna or something.

I've been doing some work. Real work from the work place.  I'm not feeling creative at the moment and figure I may as well do something.  I managed to get a fair bit done.  I am always surprised how long it takes to do things.  Not just work related things, just anything.  In my mind the speed in which it takes to complete a task should match the speed it took to say the words.  It took me years to get that thought around my head that I was not slow at my work but in fact the work I did was time consuming.

Before I came into the studio I had to have a quick nap on the bed.  I think the meds are making me a bit tired, but it could also be the weather.  Hot weather sucks the life out of me these days.  I cannot believe I trained for the 100km charity walk two years ago in this weather.  If I had to do it again I could work up to it but I'd really, really, really have to want to because these days I'm not inclined to put myself out so much.

Despite it being hot, I love the blue sky, the longer days and the way the washing on the line smells when I take it in once it has dried.  It's beautiful and fresh.

The meds are doing what meds do.  No notable side effects apart from a loss of appetite.  That is kind of weird.  Even if I am hungry the thought of eating holds no appeal so I just make sure I eat something nutritional and not too filling or I feel queasy.  This is a known side effect and I have already lost some weight.  But I am very pragmatic about it and expect this to not last.

S caught up with a group of friends yesterday at someones house.  There were about eight of them. They had planned to go and see Fifty Shades of Shite just for fun but decided it was better value to download movies they really liked and eat lots of shitty junk food.  When he came home later on he could not eat dinner and this morning he was still feeling full.

He is very practical about food.  It's there for a purpose and that is to fuel.  Nothing else.  So he never eats out of boredom or when he is not hungry.  He will eat breakfast and then nothing else until dinner on the weekends.

He's enjoying his last year of high school.  I cannot believe that he will be eighteen this year.  When I started blogging he was and eight year old kid with a little voice and now he is almost a man and has the deepest voice.  Lately he has been a bit bolshy.  I may ask him a question that he perceives as irrelevant and he gives me a bit of a smart reply.  I rarely let him get away with it, explaining nicely that just because he thought what I said was stupid that does not mean it is okay to respond that way.

Plus, he is a know all.  In a good way.  He argues a lot and pulls up facts to back him up.

I am sure that someone said something like "when I was 18 I knew it all and my parents knew nothing, when I was 21 I could not believe how much they had learnt in three years".  Or something akin to that.

At school I believe this is the year of parties and lots of them.  S went to one a few weeks ago and we said that he just has to ring us and we will pick him up no matter the time.  He rang us at 11pm and when he got home I asked him why was he home so early?  He said he did not want to wake us up in the early hours of the morning.  Do I think that was the truth?  I don't know.  But it was nice of him to consider us.  He took a few bottles of beer with him and I presume had a few drinks which I am okay with.  He is at the age where he has to make his decisions like drinking and drugs and all I can hope is that K and I have done our work in making sure he is mindful about his choices.

He is also going to the Prom at the beginning of March.  We have decided to buy him a suit because it costs just the same to hire a generic dinner suit as to buy a suit and get it fitted properly.  I really want him to have a great year this year.  The last year before he steps out to the bigger world of University and doing his own thing more and more.

Life is different when a child is no longer the child and really gets close to being more adult in their ways.  He does not want to do things with us too often.  We always ask.  I did ask him if he wanted a party for his 18th and he said he would probably have one at a friends house.  This friend often holds parties.  I said okay.  And it is okay with me.  He would rather just go out for dinner with us and I like that too.

The other day we were talking about our planned overseas trip and S said that he did not want to go to the UK again and wanted to go somewhere different like Scandinavia and Germany.  I appreciate his interest in other countries and we have planned to put Scandinavia in the trip but we have friends in the UK that we want to see so he is just going to have to wear it.  I think the next trip he does with us will be the last one for a while.  He will want to travel with friends or a girlfriend, not with his parents.  By the way, he told us that he saw this old couple driving along and pointing at houses and said it reminded him of us!  Old couple.  Fuck that.

Well, I have succumbed to the heat and put the air conditioner on.  When the sweat starts trickling down my back then it's time to cool down.  I have to think about dinner. Oh, wait, no I don't.  I bought K and S sausages.  So it is sausages in bread.  God, I am such a lazy cook these days.  But S and K are not the most interested foodies and it is a hot day. Who wants eat on a hot day?  You know my rule, more than six ingredients and I am eating out.

I think I've done all the work I am going to do.  Time to go inside the cool house and finish off a drawing, watch some tv, get my gear ready for tomorrow and go to bed at a reasonable hour.  No doggy walk tonight - it's way too hot.

linda x







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