Wednesday 22nd May

I have absolutely nothing to post about so I may as well blab instead.

And upload a random photo.   Taken in 2007.  Before I let my hair go grey.

Are you getting sick of me uploading photos of me?  If you send me a photo of yourself I will upload it instead if you like.  Or a photo of your pet.  Your car?

So, how has my week been?

Monday:

Went to work.  Tired as shit and yawned all day like a fish gasping for oxygen in stagnant water.  I cannot even recall if I went to the gym or not.  Probably not.  I am very mindful now of not exercising when I am over tired, it has a follow on effect the next night and day and not a nice effect at that.

Am now wondering if shit could actually be tired.

Tuesday: 

Went to work.  But took my meds as I had slept like shite again.  Achieved so much in the day it was astonishing.  No coffee.  No yawning.  No 3.00 pm expiration.  No almost falling asleep at traffic lights on the way to work.  Nor on the way from work.  Had great focus and was able to keep on topic during discussions about work related items.

Then left work at 4.00pm, picked up dinner which I cooked.  Also put a casserole in the slow cooker and then went to the gym where I did 30 minutes on the treadmill followed by a 3/4 hour TRX class which was hard, sweaty and satisfying.

Today:

Went to work.  Not so tired but tired enough to yawn a lot.  Got to work at 9.30 am.  Fiddled with my paperwork.  Made coffee.  Answered phone.  Read the online newspaper.  Fiddled with more paperwork.  Made a list of what I had to do and stared at it rather than action it.  Kind of actioned it later which means I did two things out of twenty.  Made another coffee.  Chatted to a work colleague.  Then did something akin to work.  Had lunch.  Went to the bank.  Did some paperwork.  Played Words with Friends.  Also expired by 3.00pm and yawned non stop until I left at 5.00 pm.  Drove home in a semi stupor but did not close eyes at the traffic lights.  Took Mr Benny for a walk in the dark and came home to plonk.  No gym.

How exciting is that?

I am changing a few gym things just to add to the mix of exercise.  Double classes now and then.  Trying new things.  Having breaks between.  Listening to my body.

My son recently had a maths test.  Earlier this year he had one and did appallingly.  Only 23% pass.  We found a great tutor who worked wonders and today he got the results for his test and it was 85%.  He will be going to her until he finishes high school.  I think some students do well with one to one tutoring and my son is like that.  With subjects like maths it is easy for children to slip through the cracks.

Hmmmm, what else?

Oh, I have been trying to teach my husband how to shout loudly like I do.  I am wondering if the ability to shout loudly is part of the DNA code because he just cannot do it with the same ferocity that I can.

I think if he did a shouting test he would fail miserably.  And there are not shouting tutors out there.

I am now of the belief that this post is going nowhere.

So I shall end it here.

No, here.

Wait, how about here?

No.

Hmmm, I think right here is sounding like a good spot to end the post.

Noooo?

Here then?

This is childish.

Goodnight.

Ciao
LC

Saturday 18th May

Beach track one sunny day a few weeks ago. 

I was up early this morning.

It was before 7.00 am and for me that is very early.  It's hideous actually.  But I had to drive my son to where he was working.  K was doing the Saturday morning bike ride otherwise I can tell you that I would have stayed in bed for at least another hour or so.

I had to have a shower and get dressed and ready for the day.  I am just not one of those people who is relaxed enough to just throw on a pair of track suit pants and pull my hair back to drop my son off anywhere.  It's not my style at all.

We were in a bit of a rush when we left and I had no time to organise lunch for him.  However I did make breakfast so at least he had food for energy.  After I dropped him off  I went up to the bakery and bought some food for him and went back and gave it to him.  Later on he told me that it was only enough for morning tea.  His job for the day was planting out shrubs and trees at one of the developments we are doing at work so that explained the need for more than the usual amount of nosh.

After I left him at work I went back home to pick up my niece so that we could go to the Farmer's Market which was down near the beach.  The weather was a bit overcast and I made the mad choice to leave the umbrella in the car.  Bad move.  By the time we made it to the market the rain started to fall.  Softly but soaking.  I pulled the hood up on my jacket in the vain hope of saving my hair which was a great risking of doubling in size like expandafoam.

We had brought Mr Benny with us.  He's still such a shite master to walk, although he is improving.  I can't blame him though.  It's exciting going out when you are an eighteen month old Border Collie.  Every time he saw another dog he jerked at the lead.  There was a chaotic event at one stall while I was buying over priced bread.  He was sitting next to me and when I went to go I noticed that the collar was attached to the lead with no Mr Benny.  He had somehow slipped out from the collar and run off to play.

It was pouring with rain, I had my hands full of stuff and Mr Benny was running around the market.  I called his name a few times and amazingly he just appeared from about fifty metres away and ran back to me full of joy.  Thank goodness he loves me and comes to me when called.

So the market day was cut short due to the rain.  But we bought what we needed and drove home to a warm and cosy house.

B made some morning juice from the fruit and vegetables we bought and I cut some slices of spelt bread and spread lovely blackberry jam on them.  The kettle was boiling for tea and it was only 9.30 am.  I felt as though I had been up all day.

So I read the newspaper.  Started writing what I hope to be a short story and managed to get a couple of thousand words done.  Did some laundry.  Ate bread and had cups of tea.

I had planned to do a body pump class but decided to do it tomorrow instead.  Last night I did one after work and a core class and never like to do two body pump classes consecutively, it's not good for the joints.  Instead I took Mr Benny for a walk which was good for both of us.

When I got home from the walk it was noted that I had very big hair due to the cold damp nightime air.  Quite a come down from my smooth locks from last week's trip to the hairdressers. My niece suggested that I take a selfie and upload it to FB.   I refuse to upload a photo of myself with crazy, big hair.  Why would I when I can upload a photo of myself with smooth hair?

Speaking of which, below is my fab hair from last Saturday's hairdressing expedition - and that was after I had done a body pump class.  I would LOVE to be able to get that look every morning.

Naturally I only upload the good photos.  I think the ratio of good photos to bad is truly one to ten.  As a rule I either photo really well or really badly.  I don't make apologies for uploading photos of myself.  On my FB I update the profile picture every couple of weeks.  I can look back on each photo and recall exactly what mood I was in, what I was thinking and what I was feeling.  It's such an emotional time capsule for me.  In some of the photos the expression in my eyes is so readable I find it fascinating.

So, tomorrow is Sunday and nothing much planned.

I might take fifty "selfies" outlining in great detail how one really can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear (with the wonders of hair product, make up and hair dryer).

Although, that much detail may require I get up early and that is not happening.

It's sleep in for me tomorrow.

Ciao
LC

Thursday 16th May

I had planned to do a body pump class tonight.

After I got back from work I changed and drove the to gym only to find that I had left my wrist tag back at home and would not be able to do the class.  So I jumped back in the car and headed back to the warm house.

I was not too bothered.  The weather outside was cold and rainy.  There is always tomorrow to do a work out.

Today was a good work day.  We had a long lunch to celebrate one of the Project Manager's birthday.  He turned thirty.  It's young isn't it?  He started with us when he was about nineteen.  Now he is living with a lovely woman and has three kids (one set of twins) and a mortgage.  How life changes.

I wrote a poem about him which was very funny (even if I do say so myself) and read it out at the table.  It covered his eleven years with us and I targeted some of the funny things that had happened.  Everyone was in stitches laughing and when I finished it I gave it to him to keep as a book mark or something.

The lunch was great.  Although I was not hungry I managed to eat three courses.  That's not hard to do when they are unbelievably delicious.  The dessert was liquorice icecream which was something new for me.

We did not get back to work until after 3pm and despite my full stomach I managed to be very productive.

Tonight my son and I are watching "To Kill A Mockingbird".  He read the book in English as part of the curriculum and I suggested that it might be good to watch the movie as well.  He had seen it when he was younger but the memory of it was very vague.

The book and the film are one of my favourites.  No matter how often I see the movie, it always offers something new to me.  An extra appreciation of the filmography is one.  Seeing how the children never age after so many years is another. Naturally I don't expect them to actually age, I just love seeing those moments in time never change in each scene.  When I see that movie I feel like I am little again.

Today for the first time I used a new drug which is to help me with my fatigue due to lack of sleep.  It's not one that I will use every day but it certainly made a world of difference to my functioning today.  My head was completely clear, I did not yawn once and because I was not tired I was able to focus on my work without any problem.   Plus I had no anxiety at all.  

I cannot explain just what that means to me to have a day like this.  It's a relief and that is an understatement.

One more day at work and then the weekend.

My son is working with my work on Saturday.  He is on one of the sites planting out trees and shrubs.  Initially he was a bit reluctant and I said that was okay but that he had reached the age where he could not expect his parents to hand over money whenever he wanted something.  I also said that if he rejected the opportunity to work that would suggest to me that he was not in need of money anyway.

Which translated to "If you don't work you won't have money".  

So he is okay about it all.  He has to learn how to work and working a Saturday is a good start.

However, guess who has to drive him to work?  Me!  I have to have him at the site at 8am on Saturday morning.  Ouch.  Still, I don't mind, that is what parents do.

So this was Thursday post.

Oh, one more thing.  My sister in law uploaded some photos to FB that I had not seen before.  They were taken by a friend of my parents.

I thought I may upload them here.  The first photo is of the family.  We were about to head off to Queensland to live.   The second photo is of me and my sister.  The third photo is me with my siblings.

All so long ago.

Ciao
LC

Wednesday 15th May

Well it is mid week and all is going nicely.

I love it when things just flow.  It leaves an imprint in my mind that I always use as a reference point when I feel, um, kooky.

So, when did I last post?  Friday?  About that.  Since then the days have ticked over as they always do.

Saturday I went to the hairdresser's.  I know I always wax lyrical about going there but I always have a lovely day.  I get there, have coffee, read books (this one in fact), chat to my hairdresser and then leave there with fabulous hair.  Then I go for a walk down the busy street, have lunch in a little Japanese cafe and buy delicious cakes to take home to my boys.

What's not to love.

Although, this Saturday was extra special because the weather was so warm.  In the middle of what is normally a very cold month (by our standards) we have been getting the most divine sunny days.  I feel as though I am in a state of bliss when this happens.  It's nothing like a normal hot day.  I was inspired to write a poem about it which you can read here (optional of course).

Did I do any exercise?  Of course. Went to a body pump class.  It is always hard to go to any exercise class when the weather is so wonderful but, you know, it's just better to do it.  I always feel great afterwards.  Although, you could say something about that joke where the guy hits his head against the wall because it feels so good when he stops.

On the Sunday it was Mother's day here.  We did not do anything much.  My son had organised a trip into the city with his friends and then offered to cancel it to spend the day with me if I wanted him to.  Aw, that was so sweet of him to even say that but I said it was absolutely okay to go out with his friends.  He went out for a few hours and then when he came home he had bought me a gift voucher from a shop he knows I love which was so thoughtful of him.

K and I took Mr Benny down to a different dog beach.  Mr B loved it.  Running this way and that.  Played with the dogs.  However, he growled and tried to rumble with a puppy and we took him off the beach and went to have a coffee at a lovely beachside cafe nearby.  The coffee was great and I shared crumbs of my orange poppy seed cake with him.

Sunday afternoon I was ORGANISED.  I baked a cake, made spaghetti bolognaise (enough for three nights) and put a casserole on the slow cooker which basically had the weekly dinner organised for K and S.  Then I tidied up and just got things done.  I even caught up with a friend for coffee.

On Monday night I did a new class at the gym.  It was only thirty minutes but a very high cardio one.  Cross Fit.  Lots of squats with weights, burpees, mountain climbers, kettle bells and fucked if I know what else because I think I was almost dead after 15 minutes and have blanked out the memory of the rest of it.

Then last night I did another new class called Bosu.   A most intense core class which sucked the life out of me but only for a short time.  After that I did a Grit class and then decided that was enough.  Tempted though I was to do a body pump afterwards I felt that I may be pushing myself a bit much.  Sometimes the euphoria of hard exercise leaves me wanting more and the only outcome would be me getting over tired.  Tonight I am having a night off.   Going to do some more writing and give my body a rest.

My niece came with me to the gym.  She spent the whole time on the exercise bike.  I don't know how she does that.  I go mental after ten minutes on it.  I prefer the treadmill.

The weather has now slipped back into the chilly norm.  I rugged up this morning when I left the house.  The sky was grey with clouds full of rain.

Well, that's this little post done.

Ciao
LC

Friday 10th May

I am blogging from work today.

I have had a productive work week, especially after I managed to get a couple of decent night's sleep.  Nothing like giant pain killers to help.  And I was so tired that my body just did me a favour and bombed.  When I do sleep well I realise just how under par I function when sleep deprived. My anxiety levels drop to manageable levels and just hum in the background instead of roaring like a train inside my chest and head.  Dammit, if I slept well every night I would be so much more productive.

My work is organised so that I don't have to be in at any time early.  Usually I arrive at about 9.30am.  Any earlier would be a big ask because I am always, without fail, terribly tired in the morning.  That is irrespective of a good or bad night's sleep.  I have never been bright and chirpy in the morning.  So, I get to work feeling very tired and tackle things that require not much thinking, phone calls, emails, spreadsheet work etc..  I organise the work load so that high thinking or stressful items are dealt with between 11am and 2pm.  That is my insane window of opportunity to get an abnormal amount of work processed.  When I have a very bad run of sleep it requires great effort to work at that pace and I end up mentally wrecked when I get home.

I am soon to try some medication to help me out on the bad days.  Bad days being those ones where I don't sleep and don't function well.  They may or may not help but it's worth a try.

The other night I was sitting at the kitchen table and realised that I yawned about thirty times in an hour.  I do that at work as well when I am fatigued.  Then I wondered if the yawning was not, in fact, just a habit.  However since I have had two nights sleep I am back to normal yawn, so maybe not.

Yawn is a weird word when it is written or spoken more than a few times in a short space.

So, this week we have had dreamy weather again.  The other day on the way home from work I stopped at the beach and quickly took some photos to put on Instagram.  It's too, too lovely to resist the bay on a sunny day.  The way I drive home from work sometimes affords me lovely views and some sort of peacefulness as I drive along listening to music.

I have exercised every night this week and feel fit again, in a normal fit kind of way.  The Oxfam walk is a distant memory in my body and mind.  However, my black toenails are going to be reminders until they fall off in a few months.

This weekend I am going to the hairdressers.  Oh, my most favourite way to spend a Saturday morning.  Look fab when I leave and read trashy magazines while I am there.  My hairdresser always has some delicious home made treat her mother has made.  It's great.

I was going to exercise tonight but may just walk the dog.  The idea of doing burpees, chest presses and weird plyometric exercises does not appeal to me today.  My body is a bit sore from heavy weights last night so something more relaxed might be advisable.  Besides, Mr Benny needs a walk more than I need to challenge my pelvic floor.

Oh, look, it's 3pm and I just remembered a few things need doing.

Back to work.

Ciao
LC

Sunday 5th May

Sunday evening again. 

I thought I may upload a couple of photos of me from today.  I actually made the time to go out in the studio to finish a painting.   However, I was not in a good head place.  That is putting it mildly.  I have had a run of shite sleep and that always goes with a change in mood. 

I cannot explain what this type of mood feels like except to say that it is very stressful for me to navigate and now that I am post menopausal it seems more of a challenge.  My anxiety levels are sky high and my thinking is different.  It has been building up over a week or so.  I often feel like that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where he is running from the rolling ball at the opening scene.  I'm running and it's coming.  Never fails to take me by surprise with how fast it comes on.  

So, there I was painting away but not "feeling" it.  The only thing I felt was anxious, frail and kind of hostile to the outside world.  Fortunately I am not a person who infects other people when I am in that mood.  I just try to harness it - or bottle it up.

Anyway, paint, paint and paint.  Take some photos.  Read some books. Paint again.  Mood is increasing the pressure in my head which is making it hard for me to focus.  

At a certain point I could feel the indicators of a melt down building up so I started focusing on my breathing and where my mind was at.  The pressure intensified and then something about the painting just triggered a melt down and I stabbed it.  More than once actually.  Completely shredded it.  Then left the studio and went into the house where it took another ten minutes to calm down enough to talk. 

What was funny (in hindsight) is that the photos of me over the two or three hours of painting so clearly showed that I was in a mood.  Perhaps I should have checked out the photos and made the decision to leave the studio and go out for lunch.

I uploaded the photo below with the question "what does the expression on my face say?"

My niece said to me it was a "hide the knives" expression.

It would be funny were it not true.

Do I feel better now?  Kind of.  Pretty tired in my head.  Fatigued.  Overwhelmed.

I suppose I should be considering therapy talk.

However, I am going to bake a cake and have a cup of tea instead.

Those two things make sense to me without fail.

Ciao
LC

Friday 3rd May

End of the week.

A five day week at that.

After two short working weeks this week was very, very busy.  When you work for a smaller business there is nobody there to do your work when you have days off.  So this week I basically had to find a way to do eight days work in five days.  Everyone is busy at work.  While I was at my brothers doing bookwork tonight I got a phone call from one of the Project Managers who was still in the office working away.  

My boss and his wife are going through marriage problems although he does not know it yet. Some of the things that his wife has said just ring warning bells to me.  When your wife tells you that she is lonely or that she is sick of certain things in the life you share, well, you don't say "what are you talking about, you have lots of friends" and you don't say "well, if you don't like the way things are then perhaps we should not be together".  

I am very careful what I say when his wife talks to me.  You don't want to get caught up in the negativity factor and get that ball rolling.  So I said something about her husband being under stress and resorting to reactive responses to her words.  Sometimes people do get quite mean when there is a lot of financial stress.  But really, unless he makes definite changes within the marriage I do think things will get untidy in a few years. 

So, what has been happening this week in my world. 

On Tuesday night I decided to do two hours of hard gym work.  It consisted of a thirty minute high cardio/weights session, treadmill and then body pump.  During the first bout of exercise I realised I was not feeling very well.  My heart rate was so high (198) at one point and for the last six minutes of the class I did think I was going to vomit.  It took a long time for my recovery and I had to modify my body pump weights as I was a bit concerned about my stamina.  

Oxfam friend R was doing body pump as well and she took my pulse which was still racing and asked if I was anxious.  By then I was.  Once that high anxiety kicks in it takes a while to settle down.  

Later on I got home and naturally visited Dr Google.  Fortunately I am a person who likes to gather information and draw the most reasonable conclusion.  After eliminating a vast array of many disorders, diseases and illnesses on offer I narrowed it down to a few things.  

• I was fatigued both through bad sleep and the after affects from the Oxfam walk
• I had drunk too  much coffee that day and was overloaded with caffeine
• I had not eaten enough
• I had not rehyrdated enough before exercising

However, I will bring it up next time I go to the doctors.  I am middle aged now so must be mindful. 

The next evening I had planned to go to my brothers to do his book work but my body said no and for a change my head listened.  I just plonked at home and did very little.  Sometimes you have to rest.

Anyway, Thursday I was back at pump class.  Tomorrow I am doing a couple of classes.  But they are only half an hour each.  I think I may be addicted to exercise - just a bit.  My niece is joining the gym tomorrow.  She has discovered the benefits of exercise and spin classes.  It's great for her chronic fatigue - weird as that may sound.

I had my car serviced today.  What drag that is to organise.  Make the phone call, get someone to take you to work afterwards, then get them to pick you up and take you back to pick up the car.  Then have to listen to husband go on about how much it costs and that the dealership is a rip off blah blah blah.  My car, my choice of places to service it.  I like getting my little Mazda serviced at the dealership.  It is still under warranty and I do not want to take it to some dirty mechanics workshop and have my car get grease on the seat and floor.  At the dealership everything is nice and clean.   The target market is no doubt women, it looks so inviting in the waiting area.

My niece drove me to work but on the way we stopped and had breakfast at a very funky cafe not far from home.  It was so delicious and I was so hungry.  What a great combination that is.  When we got to work B came up to see my "work pad" and met one of my work colleagues.  After she left he commented that she and I were very alike in body language and the way we spoke.  This is what happens when people share a home, they start to act alike.

It's very enjoyable heading into a weekend of no training.  I think I said that last week but I have to say it again.  And I shall probably mention it once or twice again.

Tonight my niece asked me if I had ever tried healthy chocolate.  I asked how you could have those two words together when when describing chocolate.

Anyway, she gave me some and it was a bit strange at first.  In fact, to be honest, it was a bit disgusting but I persevered and B said "you get used to it" and then told me not to eat it if I did not really like it as it was very expensive.  I ate it.  Chocolate has to be awful for me not to eat it.  This one is sweetened with agave.  No dairy.  However, it's calorie loaded compared to normal chocolate so I stopped eating after three squares.  You can't win.

The photo I have uploaded today is just one of those nice "coffee" moments that I had with my niece a couple of weeks ago.  In Melbourne we are a bit obsessed with coffee and there are coffee shops everywhere.  There is this idea that the more tattoos a Barista has the better the coffee.  Not sure that is true but it seems as though tattoos do feature a lot with them.

I'v run out of things to say.

I am just rambling.

I might go and read some more of a book.

Or I might not.

Ciao
LC