Sunday, July 19, 2015
Warning, this post might have content you find offensive. Then again, if you read my waning blog on a regular basis you would know me well enough to not be surprised by anything I write.
Anyway, here goes.
When I go to the chemist I expect the pharmacist to keep questioning to a bare minimum and to speak in a quiet voice should he need to speak to me about what I am purchasing. In other words, to be discreet.
On Friday I took Mr Benny for a big walk and on the way stopped at the chemist to pick up two scripts for myself. While I was waiting for them both to be filled I asked the sales assistant something about a group of things targeting going to the toilet. You see, the medication I take can, at times, have the most annoying effect of rendering what should be a normal, bodily function into a psychological and physical nightmare.
I am a person who thinks that having a dump is a fundamental process to ensure a perfect day. I am also of the belief that the expression "if you don't shit, you die" is 100% accurate. However, I am loathe to take take stuff randomly to get things going. Firstly, being a former laxette abuser in my eating disorder days means I am just asking for trouble sending down anything along those lines. Secondly, some stuff can make me ill and cause awful pain for me with no discernible results. Lastly, I think it is better to always try natural means first such as a good diet, lots of water and exercise - none of which seems to make a difference by the way. Although, maybe if I were not so mindful of those I would be worse!
So, there I am at the chemist, talking the the young girl, who probably shits every day so doesn't get it anyway, and just points out every single bottle of whatever is on the shelf to me. I say thanks and turn back to the counter to wait for the script and then the pharmacist comes over to me and says he could not help but overhear what I had been speaking about which made me think I was talking loudly but perhaps it was only because I had been standing near the "over here if you can't have a shit" shelf that gave it away.
He then says to me that it is better to take none of these and to get some magnesium and take big doses of a few days in a row. Then he elaborates on other stuff based on my scripts. The one sided conversation goes on and on and all I can notice is that his breath smells of moth balls and I wonder how I can cut the dialogue short, really short. I told him I had my dog outside and best be going and then he said it was okay to bring my dog into the chemist. However I declined adding that it was dark and time to head home.
So, that's okay. I get over that weird conversation we had and head home.
However, today I had to go back because things had not improved and I had a stomach ache. I jumped in the car and drove up the the chemist to pick up something to get things going. In the back of my mind I hoped that the same pharmacist was not there. Unfortunately he was and more unfortunate was that the store was busy with people waiting for scripts to be filled.
I groaned inwardly but walked over and grabbed a particularly effective product and made my was to the counter. The pharmacist stopped was he was doing and came over to serve me.
"Things still not working?" he asked.
"Obviously not" I replied thinking "please don't have a conversation with me" and "I can't believe you just asked me that".
"Beetroot juice can often help greatly," he offered.
"Ah, well, nothing short of a fire hose up my arse is going to help right now," I answered back. Yes, I do know it was totally unseemly for me to say that but I said it and that's how I talk at times.
"Oh, well, then. This stuff you have will work like a dream within twenty minutes and then you can start from scratch. When things get this bad you need a quick fix," he said as I paid him.
I was reminded of this event at another chemist.
Sigh. Visiting a chemist should not be fraught with such anxiety.
Overall my week has been quiet. Work has been okay in the way the work is. My visit to the psych was better on Wednesday than the previous one as I was not hungry. However, I had been very elevated and recently bought a couple of things I seriously did not need to. My sleep had started to go pear shaped (not wanting to sleep, not getting to sleep for ages and then heavy dreams) so these are all signs that things are changing in my mood. On Friday I got to work and my anxeity levels were through the roof and I had to take something to bring them down. I've learnt it's easier to action it rather than spend the day completely ineffective as far as prodtivity goes.
That night I went to the gym and did a major one hour work out with free weights which helped greatly. The next day I could hardly move. Today I went again to the gym and met up with a personal trainer to go through a new programme with specific targets in mind. I'll split the workouts. Legs one day and arms and back the next. It might not seem like much but each session takes 60 minutes at least.
Not sure what else I did. It was a stay at home kind of weekend I guess. This week I am working from home on Thursday and taking a day off on Friday so that gives me a three day weekend which means I can do something for me and I can recover a bit from work. Get some artwork done. Potter around in the studio. Hope for a sunny day.
We had a sunny weekend but it was so chilly and the heater was cranked up all day. I dread the mid Winter gas bill. It's always awful and every year just increases.
It's a slow count down to my holiday but time flies and I've settled down as far as thinking too much about it. However, in the back of my mind I am thinking of what to pack and what I will be doing. I need to buy a new pair of bathers. I swear I have not been in a pool or down at the beach swiming for years. Oh how I hate buying bathers. It's just not a pleasant experience.
Not much else to say.
It's getting lateish and I'm needing an early night.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
It's a chilly weekend here in Melbourne. So it is a stay at home weekend. Oh, wait, except for the trip the the hairdresser's yesterday. So I am just pottering around doing not much.
So what has been happening here in Linda Land since last I posted? I went back on the HRT because I forgot all about the soaking sweating in the night that would wake me up, frequently. Not that you possibly care what medication I am on but I am just noting it down for posterity.
My psychiatrist was back on board last week after two weeks off. It was a relief to see him. I decided to once again take the train in to see him. However I should have decided not to wear my green boots in as it is a 20 minute walk to and from the train station to his office so that was 40 minutes of HELL. I also should have decided to eat beforehand as I behaved like a child towards the end of the session and it was duly noted that I certainly was different from when I walked in.
Everyone has their own way of behaving when hungry. Some just get hungrier. Some don't notice. Some get light headed. Some get stupid. Some get angry or, as the term is now coined, hangry. That's me, Hungry, Angry, Hangry. I generally do pace my eating well but when I leave it too long there's a personality change, not huge, I just get a bit snitchy, flap my arms around and think everyone around me should be quiet and feed me.
Last week at work was just beyond the pale as far as stress goes. It's the usual shite that goes with business. Cash flow. Or lack thereof. We have clients who have done things like held back vast amounts of money for a $500 fix to be done. Tens of thousands. Then one client went on holiday and forgot to pay the $250K invoice that was outstanding. Plus a development job which is finished but we have to wait for the bank to, fucked if I know, do something I guess before they pay the final $200K. But the bills are still there to be paid and I have to pay wages, super, tax etc. etc. etc. blah blah.
Because of the above I then get phone calls from suppliers who, rightly so, would like to be paid. It takes all of my people skills to keep them happy without actually paying them. The relationships I have with them are personal now. I know about their families, their holidays, their illnesses, their financial woes. So, you can imagine that it is a bit stressful.
However, I left the office on Friday with a perfectly clean and tidy desk.
My son is on his last day of school holidays today. Finishing his homework. Tomorrow is the first day of the last term of school for him and at the end of October and early November are the VCE exams. These are the ones that give him the scores for University next year. Like most of his friends he is very vague about Uni. But he is angling towards Business Information Systems or Software Development as that is where his natural skills lie.
S started the school holidays aged 17 and finished them aged 18. He can vote, drink and drive (were he to have his licence). At his age I was out of home. He said he did not know what he would do if he had to move out now and believed it would mean he would have to work and not have a career. I said he would just manage life differently. Study at night whilst working. If the want is there then there is no reason not to achieve things in life.
Last Thursday I went to my new gym and had a forty minute workout with the weights. Despite having had ten days off doing weights I kept the heaviness of the weights to the normal level. Although it was not difficult to do, for the next two days my muscles were so sore I felt bruised all over. I may, or may not go later today but it is cold out there and I prefer going during the week later in the evening. Actually, as I type this and listen to the rain pouring outside my decision has been made, I am staying inside all day long. I'll use my TRX instead. That way I can keep fit and dry.
I bought S some driving lessons for his birthday (amongst a few other items) as he needs to get lessons with a professional and we want him to learn to drive a manual. It's easier to learn with a driving instructor at the beginning. S has had around ten hours of driving with K but he is just not interested in getting his licence. None of his friends are. When I was younger we would do a few lessons and then go for your driving licence. Now they have to have 120 hours done before they can do that (which I do understand). So, his first lesson with the instructor is on the 27th July. Once he gets a bit of confidence driving a manual he can drive my car (with K - not me) which is manual and smaller making it easier to navigate around the place rather than K's big lumpy station wagon.
However, he won't be driving this baby which arrived from interstate on Friday lunchtime.
It's fabulous. The most delightful Pimento Red in colour which has a slightly orange tone to it. It's a pity the weather is so dreadful that we cannot take it out for a big long spin with the top down. The sound of the motor is gorgeous. It's not my first Stag but this one is so much nicer. I can't wait for a sunny day to take it out. Until then it lives in the garage out of the elements. Our white TR6 is outside covered from the rain. We need a six car garage. In fact, I would love to have a warehouse where I could keep lots of vintage cars parked underneath and have the living area upstairs. K and I talk about it often but with the price of houses here in Melbourne we will be staying put for a while yet.
Since it is such a manky day outside it is perfect for drawing. I have a few drawings I want to finish off along with some I want to start.
I'm feeling okay.
Thursday, July 02, 2015
Well I got through the end of the financial year without too much angst. The next two weeks are the ones that count. Getting out all the appropriate paperwork to various places and just general number crunching. My desk, which was total chaos, will be perfect tomorrow.
Since my last post I still had a few days of time off work left and just spent them pottering around. On the weekend during that break I was not well so that was disappointing as it restricted what I could do but that's life. I had a good solid day in the studio on the Monday and it was only then I felt at ease. It really is the one place where I am at a peaceful place. Unfortunately I spent a lot of the time just cleaning up and sorting through bits and pieces so nothing creative happened. However, a messy environment makes it nigh impossible to relax when I am wanting to draw. If the surroundings are messy then they only get to the point where they become a distraction. Making things messy is okay though, then I can clean up and start again.
I made a little video while I was in there this weekend.
I'm well and truly off the anti depressants and feeling okay. However, I also made a decision to go of the HRT. I kept putting on weight and then started waking up feeling like a big puff ball with fluid build up. Then my blood pressure increased. I have very low blood pressure anyway (95/65 is the normal range for me) and then it suddenly went up to 120/75 or thereabouts. I felt crap and just thought "you know what Linda, this is not okay" and so I halved the dose for a few days and just bit the bullet and went off them.
I had a few unpleasant days follow which passed. There had been other issues that I felt were possibly related to the HRT and, quite frankly, I'm a bit over having too many drugs floating around inside me and I need to get my body back to normal. I don't mean that in relation to weight, but more about how it feels inside and things were certainly feeling crap. All I am taking now are the mood stabilisers and there is no way I am going off them.
The psychiatrist has been away for two weeks on holiday so I have not had to head into the city to see him. I expect we will have have stuff to go over when he gets back. I realise that I actually do modify my mindset when he is not around to debrief me over the happenings of the week. I internalise more and step aside emotionally from what is going on around me. It is very deliberate and I can see it is a coping mechanism.
I also gave up my outdoor exercise regime. Having to go straight from work to do the class and then not get home until 7.30pm makes for a long day. I started to resent the class times. Mr Benny was not getting a daily walk and I love walking with him (even if he is a shit at times). So, it will be dog walks and rejoining a different gym which I will go to a few times a week. They have a ladies weights room which I am interested in. Plus it is so cheap compared to what I was paying. Once I made the decision to change my exercise routine I felt so much better.
Tonight I went for a walk with Mr Benny. It was dark and chilly but I was all cosy with my mittens, hat, coat and scarf. Mr B and I walked briskly with many tree sniffing stops along the way. He's happier now he gets out more and I am always relaxed after a good walk, especially in the evening as it is a perfect way to wind down after a busy day at work.
You know, when I first started blogging my son was only around 8 years old. Maybe closer to 9. I've blabbed about half his life online. I know I have taking most of my posts offline but I still read through them and also through lots of comments that people made - when you put posts into draft mode they keep all the comments thankfully.
He's grown into a lovely person with a great sense of humour. I don't just love him (understatement) but I like who he is and how he views the world. My hope for him is to live his life authentically, fearlessly and, to use the old cliche, to be true to himself. Maybe I just want him to live his life the way I think I haven't always. Save him from wasting too many years being a confused pillock.
Oh, well, I had more things to write about but it is seven minutes past my bed time. I have to get a good sleep or I am a complete moron the next day. Must keep the mood calm.
Friday, June 19, 2015
It's Friday just after lunch and I am at home.
Not working from home. Just at home doing my own thing. I have already had two days off and it is only today I feel okay. I felt okay on Wednesday and Thursday but part of me was constricted and confused about what to do and I am sure that is just the normal feeling when you are suddenly away from work on a break. It's not like the weekend. I don't really ever feel relaxed on the weekend because I spend half the time gearing up for the week ahead.
On Wednesday I was up early and did things. Not sure what. Not that it matters. In the middle of the day I had to go to the shopping centre to pick up a gym top because, after four years, mine finally died. Plus I have put on weight and size small is not my thing at all.
Yesterday I was up early again (there is a reason for these early starts by the way) and went for a huge walk along the beach with one of my Oxfam friends. Then in afternoon I did other stuff which involved a dog walk. Oh, yeah, I bought a great big book to read. It is Simone de Beauvoir's the Second Sex. It has 782 pages which I expect will keep me very busy. I hope it does not turn out to be like painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge - you know where they start at one end and by the time they get to the other end they have to start again. By this I mean, I hope I don't get to page 782 and forget what I have just read and then have to start again.
Today I had another early morning (reason coming up soon) and took Mr Benny to the dog groomer's. It has been two years since he last went and I must confess to being a tardy dog brusher so he was not happy about being dropped off. No doubt the memory of being brushed had not gone away as he stared with pending horror at me from the window as I left him behind. However, now he is so nice and fluffy, although there was some serious trimming at the tail end of things.
After that I went to an exercise class and then had coffee with the rest of the girls. Actually, not coffee. I had two cups of the most delicious hot chocolate made with almond milk. I often find dairy milk a bit blech. I feel the same way about icecream.
Now I am home in my cosy house and blogging. After this I will take out my drawing gear. The house is so nice and peaceful. It's such a delight.
So, this getting up early thing. Well, last Friday Bossman and I were talking about things that are hard to do in life and just how long it takes to break a habit and I said to him that he could not give up biscuits. He eats a LOT of them during the day. He is a Cookie Monster. When I said he could not give them up, he defended himself saying it would not be hard and so I set a challenge. For two weeks he would have to not eat any biscuits and in return I would get up at 6.30am every morning.
Getting up early is very, very hard for me. I am a poor sleeper and a bed sloth.
So, since Saturday this week, with the exception of one day, I have been up at 6.30 am. K made me 'fess up to not getting up at 6.30 am on Wednesday. It's a fun challenge and I think Bossman finds it hard because biscuits are delicious and when he gets stressed he likes to eat lots of them.
I booked my holiday to Lord Howe Island and will be going in November on my own. Where I am staying has no television. There is no mobile reception at all on the island. Limited internet service and not many people.
I have a few ideas on what I will do but not too many as the weather can change quite suddenly and I may find myself stuck inside or walking in the wind and rain. As a rule November is a warm month but no overly so. A few things I hope to do are snorkeling, half day ocean fishing and a full day guided trek up Mt Gower which is fairly arduous. Mostly I will just reconnect (love that word) and take some well earned time out.
Needless to say, my camera and my drawing gear are coming with me.
I've been off my anti depressants for two weeks now. The getting off them was very unpleasant. I felt sick and had vertigo. Also the strangest sensations in my head which the psych warned me about. They are like brain zaps or shivers. I am still getting them now and then. It took a full week to have minimal physical symptoms and this is because I am on a low dose. I imagine if you were on a higher dose it would be much worse.
Do I feel okay? I guess I feel more clear headed mostly. Anti depressants are inclined to make me feel foggy but the fact is that there are times they are what is needed, these past few months was one of those times. I've been very elevated for over a week and there are not the usual signals that it is on the way down. It makes me overly energetic, funny to the point of being scary, a motor mouth, arrogant, annoyingly intense and inclined to be lacking in empathy. The only good thing about all that is that I am mindful of others and just work extra hard to not be too difficult. Everyone has feelings to be considered. My psych is going away for two weeks and before he gets back I have to have a blood test to check my medicaiton levels.
I am not back at work until Tuesday next week so for the rest of the time I am concentrating on my art work and studio. The usual exercise stuff. Just relaxing and charging up my brain batteries.
Tomorrow morning is the Bayside Farmer's Market so I will be going there. It's been a while and I am in a good frame of mind for buying obscure food products. K is going on his first bike ride since injuring his knee months ago. He had surgery six week ago to tidy up a torn meniscus so now he is ready to test it. As for S, well I think he will be snoozing in bed until midday.
Hopefully I will find myself a pair of leather knee length boots I am wanting. My lovely Italian ones are ten years old (my oldest boots yet) and starting to look tired. Trouble is, I can't just buy any boots. They have to feel just right. Soft, buttery leather. Stack heel. European made, preferably Italian. And not too expensive - therein lies the catch. I like a bargain but I want the best. Sigh - this makes the purchasing process a longer one.
Nothing else for now.
Pencils and paper are calling me.
Friday, June 05, 2015
End of the week and a three day weekend thanks to a public holiday on Monday. Hooray. Double Hooray.
I had a shite week this week. Work is stressful and, to be honest, it's making me ill I think. Although, it may be best to not believe anything I say today because I am a very unstable mood and the thoughts that are in my head now probably won't be in there tomorrow. They will be replaced by a new batch of thoughts and then those too will be kicked out and new ones will make my mind their home.
On Wednesday I went to the pych's and the moment I walked in I said that I could not talk about anything too much. Instead we chatted about my work a bit and how it was making me feel. He said he would like me to take a week off and just do what I wanted whether it be to sleep in, go for a walk, play with my dog, spend time in the studio or do nothing. The conversation seemed to be all about this having a break thing and I felt a bit annoyed, as though I was being told what to do. I asked him if he was giving me some sort of instruction and he said that he could see that I needed some time away from work as it appeared I did not have the capacity to recognise when I needed a break.
He was right of course. I never recognise it and the pressure just builds up and I spend my free time in recovery mode.
At one point of the consultation he asked me if I was okay and I said I wasn't, that I felt fragile.
"What do you mean by fragile Linda? Do you mean depressed?" he asked me.
"No, not depressed as such. I feel like I want to cry" I told him.
"How do you feel when you cry? What is the emotion that you feel?" he asked.
"Helpless I guess" I said after a while. It was most unpleasant having to admit that as I am a person who likes to turn my emotions into logic and being questioned about what I am feeling (deep, deep down) is my least liked thing to do.
The session went on and we talked about other relevant things and we touched on the topic of being in control. For the record, in case you may not have guessed, I am a control freak. I don't use the term lightly. For me, it is really important that I can control as much a possible so that my life is manageable. Despite my knowing this is not an ideal way to be, the logic of that awareness is unable to stop my controlling actions.
It's not that I try to control others for I know that I cannot do that. I cannot control what happens around me so I work at controlling what I can, both physically and emotionally. So, in effect, I am all calm on the outside and a completely wound up and tangled mess of machinery on the inside. And it's not doing me any good at all. On the way home from work tonight I screamed as loud as I could while I was driving in the vain hope it would release some pressure. Sadly, no, it hurt my ears instead.
I said to him at one point "I don't know how I would feel if I lost control" to which he replied "Helpless". And he was right. I would feel helpless and, right now, I don't feel in control. Not sure what it is I don't feel in control of, it's just a big, pressurised feeling.
Anyway, the end result is that I am having five days off this month. Wednesday week. Bossman's wife has frequently suggested I take time off and on Thursday came over to me with her calendar and blocked me some time out. So, there you go, five days off coming up.
I am also booking a holiday in November for 7 nights at Lord Howe Island. K and S won't be coming as it's not their kind of holiday. Lots of hiking and other outdoor things. I have two friends who may come with otherwise I will be going on my own which is a big thing, but I am comfortable with that. Initially I was concerned that K and S would be upset about not joiing me but we agreed that the cost of them going would be a bit of a waste if they were not really enjoying it as it should be enjoyed.
Before I book the date I am only waiting for the yay or nay from my friends.
Visiting Lord Howe Island has been a lifelong dream I have harboured. When I was fifteen I went to a bric-a-brac market and bought a framed black and white photo of Lord Howe Island dated 1953. It was so beautiful and I decided that one day I would go there. Over the years I read about it, looked at photos and with the arrival of the internet I would look up more information about it. But, as often happens in life, I just put it on the back burner.
So, what made me decide to bite the bullet and make a move to go there? I guess I felt as though after speaking the the psych it was okay for me to do exactly what I wanted to do. That whole giving myself "permission" maybe? Then again, maybe I just need a big fat holiday.
Moving away from the holiday side of things, right now I am moving off my anti depressants. On Wednesday it was agreed that I would go off them because of the weight gain and some other undesirable side effects that are going on. It's lucky that I have a three day weekend coming up because the side effects of coming off them are tricky. Basically I feel like stabbing something or someone. Fortunately my wonderful ability to control my inner self ensures that nobody is infected by my mood. I just stared at the computer screen a lot today at work.
The photo I have posted up the top is of me taken in 2006. So, almost ten years ago. Oh, how fascinating the aging process is. My arms so naked and smooth then are now covered in scars and sport a tattoo. My hair so glossy and brown is now grey. And no longer do I wear tops that show my bare midriff. But that's okay. The way I see it is that we all have our time of utter gorgeousness and then, unless we die beforehand, decay is inevetible.
Below is another photo. A much more beautiful image. It's a car. This lovely car is being picked up early July to join us, its new family. I've had a Stag before but that was before S was born and now, after a long time searching, we have bought this one. By the way, that is not K in the car.
The Stag represents some sort of teenage sexual awareness to me and if you read the post I did called The Stud and His Stag, it will make sense.
See, when you are young you are just kind of sexy in that peachy way. It exudes from you like some wonderful halo. When you get older and the peach becomes a wrinkly apple you go out and buy a Stag to relive the moment. Who says men get a sports car when they have a midlife crisis.
Maybe I'll drive a young lad around! Ah, no. That's just gross to me. I cannot even believe I wrote that.
Nope, I'm going online to buy a Dire Straits cd to play in the car when it arrives.
Sultans of Swing - here I come.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Last day of May and the rain is coming down like a wet blanket outside. The week ahead will be much of the same. It is strange how tomorrow is the first day of Winter and the weather suddenly becomes everything I expect Winter to be. Wet and cold.
I didn't get to take Mr Benny for a walk this weekend and it has just dawned on me that he may not have had one last weekend either. Unfortunately, as is often the case in many households, it tends to be one person who takes the dog for a walk. In this house it is me. I feel a bit guilty but sometimes it happens that I can't get everything done that I want to.
Yesterday was a great day. The sun was shining on a cold morning and I was down at the beach for a 7.30 cardio class where I did lots of running up and down stairs and exercises in between. Even now as I sit here I can feel my calves are very tender from the stair incline. Tomorrow I am starting a new challenge on top of my exercise. It's 50 squats on day one, increasing 5 per day until up to 250. However, the squat has to be done properly which involves a chair being placed 45cm's from a wall and you have to face the wall, squat down and just stop above the seat. This ensures you keep your chest upright otherwise if you lean forward you'll hit your head on the wall.
Despite all my exercise and my moderate food intake, my weight continues to be a major challenge. I know this is a whiney first world problem but in 18 months I have put on about 8 kgs. The last 4kg's rocked on with I started the Effexor and I can tell you that I am not happy about that at all. Anti depressants have that effect on me. It has meant my clothes are tight and I hate tight clothes. I hate feeling my clothes on my body. It distracts me and makes me wriggle around. That is the reason I never wear shirts - they touch me and are crunchy or something. Still, I am only on the anti depressants until the end of Winter so I will just deal with it. I mean, I like to think I am so much more than the number on my scales.
Yesterday afternoon I caught up with a very good friend and we spent a couple of hours together down the street just talking and had coffee (or in my case, hot chocolate) She was one of my Oxfam friends and we still catch up now and then. It was an exceptionally nice time.
My brother dropped around after I got home and we chatted away. He has had a bit of a falling out with our mummy and he wanted to talk about it. In fact, he came into my work on Thursday to debrief. I try not to get too involved but instead throw in a few judicious comments to help him be less blinkered about the issues he has. I did say that life is short and one day mummy won't be there. He is inclined to hold a grudge and it takes a bit of work to help him see the other person's side to things.
S was out at a party yesterday late afternoon to the evening. Also the week prior he went out to a party and has decided that drinking more than a couple of drinks is not for him. He just feels ill. In fact, he dry retched a few times out of the car while K was driving. These days, before the kids go to a party, they have predrinks somewhere. Drinks are expensive when out and some of the kids are underage (here the legal drinking age is 18) hence the imbibing before heading out.
I'm still going to see Dr T every Wednesday. It's pretty full on and sometimes it's a two steps forward and one step back thing happening but, I am better for it I think. I had a bit of an issue a couple of weeks ago when I used the blue light for five days (despite clear instructions to not use it by Dr T) and subsequently ended up hypomanic which meant I was fan-fucking-tastic for two days and then had a bad case of ADHD for three days and it would have continued on had I not taken medication three nights in a row to sleep and valium during the day to bring me back down and then ruefully accepted that last weekend was a recovery one. So now I'm okay.
Needless to say, no blue light again. It was very destabilising. Ho hum.
Today I did a big grocery shop. Made dinner and then put on a slow cooked pot roast which will be dinner for a couple of days, maybe more. I also made muesli bars for S to take to school. He has asked for healthy food now. No icecream. No cake in his lunchbox. He also now has lunch wrap instead of bread for his lunch. This has all come from him which is the most important thing as I believe that decisions we make without other people influencing us are the ones we are most likely to keep.
Once I did what had to be done around the house that was my weekend over - never enough hours in the day is there?
Next weekend is a three day weekend. Another lovely publich holiday and the last one until November. I intend to do not much at all though I am pretty sure there is a hair dressing appointment on Saturday morning for a trim.
Oh, I did see Mad Max last Monday with S. It was great. We went Gold Class which is the only way to see a big movie like Mad Max. I love the movie start to finish but then I have always liked the Mad Max movie series. It was great to go out with S as he has such a funny sense of humour, very sharp and astute. And we talk about things. I love hearing his outlook on life.
Not much else. Work is good. I think I need a proper holiday. I have so much leave built up that I could take two months off. But I will save my holiday until next year when we go overseas - something still only at vague planning stage.
Time for bed now.
Must keep that routine in place.
Saturday, May 09, 2015
I was up this morning at around 6.45 am to get ready and be down at the beach for a 7.30 am cardio class. Getting my legs to swing out of bed to allow my feet to touch the floor is the hardest part. Once that happens I am kind of okay with the rest of the stuff. Get dressed and get going.
Today was loosely based on last week only in a different section. Running along sandy tracks, up ramps, running into a head wind, running up and down stairs. Variations of a theme which is to make me empty my morning energy tank within an hour.
On the way home I picked up bread from the bakery and then once home I sat and had toast for breakfast. This was followed by left over cheese from book club. I then had to throw the cheese out because I don't need to have double brie cheese in my fridge free for the taking. I will just eat it, feel ill and then eat more, feel ill and so on.
The rest of the day was spent just doing the usual household things around the house. These activities were broken by periods of time spent sitting on the lounge chair fiddling with my phone because I was so tired after my exercise. Then I snoozed a bit. To clear my head I took Mr Benny for a 3km walk and that helped.
All in all, it was one of those days where not much was achieved but I was okay with it. I'll catch up tomorrow.
My son went to a party last night. He drank a bit much but had a great time. It was an 18th birthday party and there were about 100 people there. All kids had to be signed off the list and had to provide a note (or sms permission) from their parents that they were allowed to drink if they were under 18. Parties are quite different these days. Although he had a great time he said he is kind of over parties for a while. I think it is because he has to pay for his drinks and his drink selection is a bit pricey.
S is going out with friends for his 18th to some ratty bar in the city. The three of us will go out for dinner but he wants nothing else. I am okay with that but I like to offer and give him the right of refusal (or acceptance). People don't always like to celebrate their birthdays in a big way.
I've done very little in regards to my art work. It is as though I cannot move on it. The ideas are there and I jot them down to attend to later. The visual aspects to what I want to draw are in my head but I just cannot motivate myself to get into it. I do other stuff and not very interesting stuff either - houseworky shit. I dread that I will be the same in ten years time. The epic creative procrastinator. I even have the book of all my drawings 90% finished and still I just don't pull my finger out and finish it completely. It's just very frustrating. The harder I try, the more it becomes an issue.
I sometimes wonder if the medication I take is a bit inclined to make me less motivated. The idea of taking the mood stabilisers is to even my mood out and it does that. The idea of taking the anti depressant is to stop the chronic and pervasive depression and it does that too. But by removing the mood swings and taking away the depression I feel as though the medications have taken away the extremes I used to experience which were great drivers for getting my art work done. Nowadays I feel quite numb. Sort of like "the lights are on but nobody's home" sensation. The anti depressants are the ones that do that - the last time I took them the same issue happened. Hmmmmm. It's a bit shitful.
However, tempted as I am at times to go off the medication and just feel those huge emotions, I can still recall, as though it were yesterday, how utterly awful I felt in 2013 when I was really, really losing it and towards the end of 2013 when I was sitting on the bathroom floor with my head in my hands trying to hold in the pressure building up and the screaming sensation going on inside my skull. I can recall lying in bed and saying to K how frightened I was by what was happening in my head. Since I never spoke like that then you can imagine how concerned he was. And I can still picture me sitting in the office with K because I was too scared to be on my own while I felt the way I did. Why would I want to go back to that?
The other day I when I was at work I put my headphones on to block out the office noise. I don't listen to music, I listen to binaural beats accompanied by a particular noise as it helps me relax and focus. These days I choose forest noises. When I was experiencing "bad head" I used to listen to the binaural beats with a tribal noise. I accidentally chose this combination on Thursday and hearing it made me panic because all of the feelings I had at the time rushed back into me and it felt as though it were happening again. I was quite surprised and it took a while to stop thinking about how such a little thing could do that.
So, it's a price to pay isn't it. Medication alleviates some awfully unpleasant things. Yet it takes away something quite life giving. I will just have to approach my artwork in a different way, I just need to work out how. Perhaps if I schedule time in for it, just as I do with exercise. At a certain time each week I just sit down and do my art work. I've thought of that and part of me actually thinks my art work is not important enough to schedule time for. It's something I should approach after everthing else is done. Is it because I consider it a pleasureable activity and thus I'm somehow being self indulgent if I do it?
Well, it's late. Past my bedtime. Tomorrow is Sunday and I need to be a bit organised. I want to get up earlyish and get stuff done in the morning.
Then maybe do my artwork.
Or at least think a lot about it.
Where's that kick up the arse when you need it?