Oh look. It has been over a month since last I posted.
What happens in life when something you did on a regular basis just stops? Do you lose interest? Does something better come along?
I like writing. I write inside my head but these days it appears that is where it stays. A pile of words and paragraphs all banked up waiting for me to put them on paper. By the time I get around to it weeks and weeks have passed and when I look back all I can see is mundane days behind me.
Why would I want to write about that?
But things happen in life and it's good to make a record now and then.
Today I went to the gallery and saw an exhibition full of Edgar Degas's work. It was a most wonderful two hours that I spent looking at all the paintings, pastels, drawings and sculptures. I always get the audio guide when I go to exhibitions as it is the best way to get in depth knowledge about the artist and the work they do. It's not enough to look at the work, it enhances the experience to understand what preceded it.
So I spent a few hours going through the gallery and came home feeling very relaxed.
Below is one of the paintings that was on show. It had a very dark and unsettling feel about it however the composition was beautiful.
|The Interior (Rape Scene) - Edgar Degas|
Now I think about what I really want to do for the rest of my life. I have no fucking idea. I think about travel and I go "meh". I think about work and I go "meh". I worry that I will never work out what I want to do and suddenly I will be 85 and then die.
I wonder if it is because I have achieved the goals I set myself many, many years ago and never thought beyond that.
|Mother with her Man Babies|
In all fairness, I think part of the problem has been the whole bipolar thing. Getting the medication right. Coming to terms with it. Plus I cannot forget to add the difficult change of life shit that happens to women. That has been a challenge.
Right now I am titrating with Lamictal. So far, so good. The stage between getting off Epilim and getting onto Lamictal was hard work. I feel better now the dose is increasing. In about six weeks I should be up to a therapeutic level and hopefully be able to get on with life without the mood swings. I am always a positive person. Even when I am not feeling my best I always figure it will be okay.
Maybe I need a to make a bucket list. I hate that overused expression. A better one is a "life list". Lists are good. They are logical. You can just make bullet points and tick them off. Start of with doable things and then build on that.
- Do more drawings (that is an ongoing thing)
- Keep doing CrossFit (another ongoing thing)
- Paint front part of house (ho hum)
- Renovate old bathroom (that is a major job planned later this year)
- Landscape front yard (actually that is now done)
- Plan another lone holiday for next year
- Work less (that is on the cards for next year - a four day week)
- Teach myself to get up earlier (is that a life list kind of thing anyway?)
- Take my dog for a walk more
- Be more organised
- Read more books
- Look at my phone less (oh no)
- Stop reading the Daily Mail as it is full of shit and is is my dirty little secret that I do read it
- Don't always dump my handbag and everything else on the kitchen table
- Keep my bathroom tidy and stop using it as a second wardrobe
- Don't buy random shit online late at night
- Brush my dog more often
- Go to bed earlier (this is so I can get up earlier)
- Ration chocolate
- Ration bread (the staff of life apart from Vegemite)
- Stop buying healthy and weird shit only to put it in the pantry and not eat it because it is disgusting (as well as fucking expensive)
- Teach my son to cook
- Teach my son to clean
- Teach my son to iron a shirt
- Make a cake or biscuits every week
- Learn to be okay with my body. It is strong and fit and that is great. (I deadlift 85KG so that is pretty impressive)
- Remind myself it is okay to get older and does not mean that I will get Alzheimers.
- Don't be depressed about the state of the world. I cannot change it. I can only live my life and look after those close to me.
- Take out the clothes that have been in the boot of my car for months and then put them in the charity bin
- Answer my emails at work, even the shitty ones. I get around 60 each day. I am overwhelmed by them.
- Tell the barista at my favourite coffee shop that the person he hired to make coffee whilst he went on holiday does a better job at making coffee (oh, that is too hard. I think I will leave that one)
- Eat more vegetables (yawn)
- Ask myself if this is really a "life list" and not, in fact, a "to do list". I think we know that answer to that. Still, is has reminded me of all the things I need to do which means I am going to be busy.
Right now though, I need to go to bed. Especially if I want to get up early. It is the end of the financial year this week and I am going to be extremely busy. Two people in the office are on leave this week and Bossman has to come in and answer the phone all day because I cannot while I do payroll. He will love that.
Oh there were a few random things to prattle on about. We live just one street from the railway line. They have been doing major work on it. It is a huge two year project and very disruptive. The stations have been pulled down and for the next month or more the trains will not run through three or four stations which means buses are going to be used. Work goes on through the night and during this particular stage we have trucks going back and forth non stop. Not small trucks. Great big ones. Plus there is drilling. Noises all through the night. Rumbling of trucks. The sound of machinery at work. The trucks go down a road that is at the end of our street. About three houses from ours. The dust was thick on the surface of my car this morning.
It is quite exciting in a way. I cannot wait to see the finished product. The traffic flow will be greatly improved. It gets so congested when the train comes across the road and the boom gates come down. At times you might get four passenger trains coming as well as a goods train that might have thirty carriages on it. When that happens I cannot turn out of my street into the road for ages.
So, that is my life. Loosely based on other peoples lives. We get up and live the best way we can. Life does not have to be exciting for me. It just needs to be peaceful and that it is. I am grateful for that. Plenty of people live difficult lives through no fault of their own. Sometimes just being born in the wrong place means a persons life will be hard. It seems unfair in a way. Maybe one day the world will be less brutal.
My post has meandered and now come to an end.
If you are still reading I think you deserve and A+.