Sunday, September 21, 2014

Sunday 21st September

Before I write anything I have to type a few words.

I love sunshine in Spring.  

Love it. 

It means daylight savings is on the way and that means more blue sky and sunshine.  The big event of the year for me is when the striped canvas awnings get pulled down to shade the back verandah.  That action alone fills me with both relief and joy knowing that there is a six month hiatus before the sun shoots over to the other side of the world more often.

The past week has seen a new person start at work.  The atmosphere is different now.  Not better or worse, just different.  Everyone bar me is into football however so this reminds me once again of what it is to be in the minority.  Not that I care.  It has always been this way for me but I really am the only one now who is the outsider.  I'm older than everyone as well.  I tend to now work with headphones on and talk less.  I've joined the ranks of non communicating office workers.  And you know, it's kind of a relief to not have to make small talk.

But I did find it fascinating that three people could talk for ONE HOUR on Friday afternoon about football. And they knew the names of the players and coaches.  I can't explain how depressing it was as well.  Nobody is interested in art, music, books or anything cultural.    

On Saturday morning I went to the bayside Farmer's market.  Not that I bought much.  It's a bit overpriced and most of the food tends not to be something that would be eaten in our household (being the dull and boring foodies that we are).  However,  I picked up some lovely fresh eggs and also a jar of homemade Indian curry which made a delicious addition to vegetables and rice last night.   

I love coming to the market despite not buying much.  It's set in an isolated kind of spot that gives one the illusion of being far away from the suburbs.  From the gravelled car park you go through a gate way and then you are walking on a sandy track that weaves amongst scrubby beachside bushes and trees.  That takes you to the market that is set in a grassy reserve.  When the market is not being held there it's sometimes used for cricket or maybe a picnic place.  Very quiet and pretty.  

I spent a few hours on Saturday afternoon ironing.  It's a bit grim isn't it so spend a sunny afternoon doing that but what was even more grim was how high the pile of ironing had become.  It had reached the stage where each time I needed something to wear in the morning it became a search through the pile which was not ideal for a calm exit from the house. 

On Wednesday I went to the monthly visit to Mr Fez (psychiatrist) and it was not a good visit.  I tried, I really tried but you know, he really is a dick.  Not only did he tap his feet on the floor while I was talking, he looked at his watch more than once AND asked me the same question twice (there was no doubt that he did not listen to my response the first time).  The previous visit to that was a good one and I had hoped that things would continue to improve but, well, this one was a bit of a nail in the coffin for me in regards to even thinking about embarking on therapy with him.  

Perhaps he has his own shit happening but, you know, that's not my problem.  The visit to the psychiatrist costs money. It's a business transaction and it is up to him to keep his boredom, personal issues, dislike of me or whatever it is out of the office. His crap "bedside" manner really bothered me and now I just do not want to go back.  It's not that easy, however, to just go to someone new.  So I will go to the monthly visits, discuss medication and nothing else.  

Anyways, that is just one of those things.  My mood has been reasonable but I had three late nights in a row, the psychiatrist visit unsettled me and my sleep is deep but so unrefreshed.  I've basically had four days of up and down moods along with what I know are not normal thought processes.  So I kept everything low key this weekend.  Nothing social, nice long walk today and read a book.  And no deep and meaningful discussions.  

Me and Mr Benny
I did go up to my usual haunt for some grocery shopping today. Had a coffee.  Read the newspaper. As I drove there I was listening to music and thinking about a car that I want very, very much.  I've had one before but sold it for one reason or another.

A Triumph Stag.  This is what mine looked like (it's not mine though).  Vintage cars are something I love very much and I am eternally grateful that my husband is right into them as well.  We need a bigger garage for all the ones I would love to have.

Next two weeks are school holidays so my son will be helping out in the office for a few days.  My filing has, once again, reached epic proportions so it will be good to hand it over to him to do it all. He's like a robot at work. Just head down and works away.  It's all about the money. He's money driven which is not a bad trait for a teenager.  And he saves his money.  I give him a $17 a week pocket money (it goes up each year to match his age) and maybe I will give him $20 if he goes into the city now and then but anything else he has to pay for.

So not much more to report.  Still doing three nights exercise a week.  Thankfully my weight has stabilised which makes me think the medication weight gain was just a thing to freak me out.

Oh, I did do one strange thing last week.  A couple of weeks earlier I bought (on impulse) a five day juice fast.  Cold pressed, organic and preservative free juice no less.  Don't ask me why.  I will say this.  It was half price.  It was 10.30 at night. It was a couple of days after I had changed my medication dosage and had a very unsettling reaction to doing so.  So, who knows.

Let's just say it was what is known as an "impulse buy".

So I get the juice (on Tuesday) and stuff it into the fridge ready to start the juice fast the next day.

It tasted great but after bottle number three I realised that I actually am not keen on drinking juice. I don't mind a glass now and then but this cold pressed one had a strong flavour (as cold pressed tends to) and made me feel a bit ill.  In the back of my mind I wondered how on earth I was going to glug my way through eight bottles a day.  For five days!  I also realised that there was no way that one can live on juice alone and exercise or think clearly.  

By day two I gagged on the morning elixir and struggled through another two bottles.

By day three I had given up and given away lots.  Then I put the rest of the bottles in the freezer to take out for hot days.

It's going to take a while to live this one down.

I think that perhaps nothing beats water.

Now it's an hour before bedtime. I have to get back into the strict bedtime routine. It has such a negative impact on me if I stay up after 11.00pm which totally pisses me off.

So I shall have a cup of chamomile tea and work what needs doing for the week ahead.

Oh, and it's a sunny week by the way.


linda c

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Saturday, September 13, 2014

Saturday 13th September

Mr Benny
I woke up early this morning.  5.30 am.  It's the daylight coming into the bedroom window that does it.  I don't mind as long as my sleep has been good and lately is really has been just that.  Besides, it's Spring so who doesn't want to wake up and embrace the day nice and early.

Just because I woke up it does not mean I actually got out of bed.  The sun may have been shining outside but it was very cold last night.  Around 2 degrees celcius and the house was still chilly.  K turned the heater on after he got up and I waited until the house was a bit warmer before throwing the bedding aside and swinging my legs over the bed. By then K had gone off on his Saturday morning bike ride along the beach road.

It was around 7.00 am when I got into the shower.  That is very early for me anyway.  Mornings are not my thing but I shall forever be trying to change that.

Yesterday S was on a charity fund raising event at his school.  It's a 24 hour relay walk in teams. About 1000 of the students get involved but I am not sure it is about helping charity in their minds. It's a day off school, a chance to sleep overnight in tents on the school grounds and eat crap food. It does raise money though so I figure it that if that is the end result then that is good.

The walk started at 7.00 am yesterday (Friday) and I picked S up at 9.30 am today.  He was sunburnt on his face despite me giving him a hat to wear.  It was overcast yesterday so he did not think he needed it.  In the evening K and I were about to go out for dinner when I got a phone call from S asking me to get fish and chips for his team which we did.  Despite the fish and chips being in my car for no longer than eight minutes last night it still smells of them.  Something about take away food that leaves a stink in a confined space.

Some other parents dropped of three huge pizzas.  The boys had crisps, chocolates, soft drinks and all manner of tasty food.  There were nine teenage boys in the tent, not all the food got eaten and my son told me it smelt terrible.  I can only imagine.

The school had organised music and we could hear it from our house it was so loud.

S had a great time.  I love hearing that.  He's doing all those things that teenagers like to do, hanging out with friends, getting involved with things, eating junk food and living in the now.  He knows it's not forever but I remind him to enjoy himself.  It's a special time of life.  Once he asked me when his brain would be fully wired (funny question when I think about it) and I said I thought it was around aged 25.  Although perhaps that is not true for everyone.

It's important to me that S has good teenage years.  I can't say I did.  Maybe I am wrong in thinking that having positive experiences in formative years make life a little less troublesome to navigate through.  You can't avoid ups and downs in life but it helps if you are well grounded when you find yourself faced with shitty situations.

Anyway, on a different subject.  I have not posted for almost two weeks.  It's been busy for me now that I am doing exercise after work three nights a week.  I'm also doing some other things.  My book of drawings is seriously on the way to being finished.  It's the most laborious thing to do but I am getting there.

I am the most stable I have been for a very long time since starting on the extra medication for my lack of hormones.  It's a significant change for me to go through life feeling okay.  The other week I had a notion to drop my morning dose of Epilim by 100mg because I was too tired in the morning and all the symptoms came back.  It shook me to the core as I realised finally what it is like to not be that way and I don't want to go back.  High levels of anxiety, racing thoughts and awful sleep.  My brain went into automatic hyper vigilant state and it just left me feeling awful.  So I put the dose back to what it was.  100mg does not sound like much but the psychiatrist has mentioned more than once to be very careful about tweaking the medication as doing so can be very destabilising.  I get it now.

So the combination of medication is working.  However, I put on a bit more weight.  Not much, maybe a couple of pounds but I have finally accepted that.  My eating habits, my exercise and my health are great.  For me to drop the 3kg's I have put on since starting Epilim and Livial means risking becoming obsessed about food intake and exercise and guess what, I am not doing that.  I am fit, healthy, strong and my clothes still fit (albeit and wee bit tighter) and I have better things to focus on.  Seriously, I am so much more than my clothing size and I really do not want to waste any more years controlling my food intake and over exercising.  It's unhealthy to do so and I guess I am finally in a good place in regards to certain things in life.  Who knows, who cares, it's all good.

So cross my fingers that this frame of mind continues.  I am grateful for each day I wake up feeling pretty calm.  I am still up and down but it's manageable and not bothersome.  Perhaps it is also part of my personality to be that way, I am still working that one out.  Now I have the bipolar sorted it's a different "self" I am living with.  Hard to explain that one as I am still nutting through it myself.

What else?  Oh, yes.  I have organised my clothes for the warmer weather.  I cleaned out my wardrobe and got rid of stuff that was overworn, a bit tight and just no longer appealed to me.  Then I ordered five dresses from one person on Etsy.  She is making them to size.  Below is a photo of a similar style I like but have not been able to find.  This is not hers but it is similar.

This dress is a very old fashioned dress called The Bungalow Dress.  It was actually used as a cover to put on over your day clothes whilst you cleaned the house.  I like it because it is quite asexual.  It is also something I will wear all year around as you can put things underneath it.  So I bought three of them.  One in grey linen, one in black denim with a paisley trim and one in blue denim with a red cherry blossom trim.

Then I ordered two dresses in a 1950's straight skirted style.  Both made with Liberty fabrics.  I am mad about Liberty fabric.  The busier the better it is.  One of the dresses is white with red cherries on it. It's such a delightful old style and I can't wait to wear it on a sunny day.

It was so much cheaper to get them made.  The woman who is making it lives in France.  I love the idea that I am supporting a cottage industry.  Plus it is made to what I want and not some generic thing from off a rack.

Is it shallow of me to get so excited about clothing?  No.  It's great for me that I am enthusiastic about it because I had thought I lost that feeling for ever.

Now I am going to cook dinner.  Something I am not enthusiastic about at all however I am doing it which is a good thing too.

Seriously, if I could afford to hire a chef to cook for me every night I would.


Linda x

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Sunday, August 31, 2014

Sunday 31st August

Saturday at the beach

Hooray, it's the last day of Winter and tomorrow morning I shall wake up knowing that Spring has arrived.  It's a lovely thought.

I have had a long weekend.  I took Thursday and Friday off for some rest and relaxation.  My brain was tired and I felt fatigued.  When I take days off work the first day free is confusing.  The plans that I made in my head won't work.  It's as though my body and brain just want me to do nothing at all.  They want a rest from me.

On Friday I went for a big walk along the beach.  It was around 8km and although there was a promise of warm weather it turned out to be very chilly.  There was a fog that did not lift until late afternoon. But that was okay because in my mind the beach is beautiful no matter the weather.

At the half way point of the mark I sat down on a bench and took this photo below.  It's a bit of a nothing photo but I was fiddling with my phone and looking for my sister's phone number so that I could give her a call.

So, I am sitting on this bench looking down at my phone and I sense a person standing in front of me.  Their body has blocked out the light.  At first I thought they would pass but after a few seconds I realised that they had stopped and I slowly looked up at them.

It was an old man.  At least late 70's.  He was wearing a three piece brown woolen suit, shirt and tie. He had a Fedora on and his face was brown, leathery and it was obvious he was a smoker.  He stood side on from me with his hands in his trouser pockets and looked down at me.  It was very surreal and I was unsure what he was doing.  Was he lost?  Was he confused?  Did he lose something?  Did he think I was someone he knew?

None of that.

"You want to have a coffee with me" he said in a strong Italian accent.

I stared at him and said "No thank you" and went back to my phone.  He walked off and after a short time I stood up and walked in the same direction and passed his slow pace in no time at all.

Now, he may well have been a lonely person looking for someone to have coffee with but I saw the look in his eyes and he was a creepy old bloke on the prowl.  No doubt with my grey hair he thought that perhaps I was closer to his age.

My demographic in admirers has certainly changed over a few short years.  It's the grey hair - but I don't care.

On the Saturday I went for another walk along the beach only it was in the opposite direction to Friday's.  And it was longer.  Thirteen kilometres.  The weather was divine.  Warm but not too warm. You know those end of Winter days that remind you that Spring is about to step in and take over.  The walk to the half way mark was brisk.  When I got there I stopped and had a late lunch.  As I finished eating I realised that I was tired.  It's always a hard thing when you do a round trip.  You have to walk back.  It's also extra hard to keep the walk brisk when you have eaten, you are tired, the sun is warm and you just want to lie on the beach and snooze.  By the time I got home I was ready to have a big sleep.

However we were going out to dinner so no chance.

We went to an Italian restaurant with a group of people that we know through the exercise group that K and I used to do together.  Whilst everyone else ordered pizza and pasta I decided to order two small entrees.  One was peppery calamari and the other was chargrilled octopus.  Maybe after those walks along the beach I needed to eat seafood.

So the food turns up and the calamari is as expected but when I saw the octopus I freaked.  Don't ask me what I was expecting, maybe something small and cute like you get on a plate at a Japanese restaurant.  It was the leg of an octopus, about eight inches long and quite thick in girth until the taper at the tip.  The suckers were still on it and the colour was pink.  It was almost indecent.  K moved from the chair next to me as he loathes seafood and that was the pinnacle of repulsiveness to him.

Despite my initial shock I ate it.  It was delicious even though I had to be mindful to keep the suckers on the underside as I could have gone either way if I saw them.

However, no doubt the vision of this amputated leg on my plate and my subsequent eating of it obviously touched my subconscious because last night I dreamt that I opened my mouth and a giant octopus tentacle came out of my mouth like a ghastly scene from a science fiction movie.

I won't be ordering it again.

Today K and I took the TR6 for a big drive to our favorite antique shop.  Not so much with the intention of getting anything but just for the drive.  We left the house mid morning and it took about an hour to get down there.  It's a beautiful thing to drive in an open top car on a sunny day.  Not too hot though, once the temperature gets past 23 celcius it can be a bit hot.  Sunscreen is a must as is a hat.  I alternate between a scarf and a hat depending on which way the sun is coming into the car.  Now and then I just let my hair fly all over the place.  I can't resist.

The upside of driving an open top vintage car is the pleasure of being part of its authenticity.  The clean and simple lines that take you along the road.  The sound and feel of the engine.  It's nothing like a modern car.  The car is an integral part of the driver and passenger.  I love it.

The downside of driving any vintage car (open top or otherwise) is that sometimes things can go wrong.  Today something did go wrong.  Fortunately we were not far from home with the car decided to revive the overheating fuel pump trick and stall.  Or should I say stop.  Four times it happened and four times K and I had to jump out of the car and push it off the road to wait for it to cool down. Nobody ever helps when that happens.  They just watch from the cosy cocoon of their sedan.  Not that we need help.  Pushing a TR6 is not that hard and on principle I would push a truck off the road just to prove I could.

When we got home K fixed the problem (which has been an expensive ongoing one) and now the car is snug in the garage ready for the next day out.

I went grocery shopping, made dinner and baked a cake.  Did some laundry and planned the coming week in my head.

Now it's almost 9.00 pm and soon it will be bedtime.

tick tock tick tock

Time just keeps on ticking past.

linda x

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Sunday, August 24, 2014

Sunday 24th August

Oxfam Walk 2011
Here it is.  Sunday.  Again.  Number 2642 in my life.

When I look at this picture it seems so long ago.   April 2011.  Ancient history.  I feel I look so young and wonder how it happens that you suddenly feel not young.  Not even remotely young.

Well this week I kind of found out why.  I went to the gynaecologist to investigate some issues and he said "Linda, I am thinking there is not an ounce of oestrogen left in your body.  You must be feeling like crap".  He prescribed a synthetic HRT for me to take.  It should help my mood.  It's one thing to be going through menopause, it is quite another when it's passed over to the other side.

There was no reason for the pain I had been experiencing on and off but I have a theory.  It was my last egg sitting in an ovary trembling in fear.  It did not want to come out and the Menopause Monster dragged it out.  That last scrap of my youth went kicking and screaming as it was yanked from me.

I waited until I had seen the psychiatrist the next day before I started the new meds.  I had to run it past him first (as one does).  When I got there we had a chit chat about something that went on at my work.  As a rule he and I never discuss anything that is not related to point of the visit.  It was a nice ice breaker.  In fact, the entire session went well.

While I was telling him how I had fared in the five weeks since last I had seen him he was writing things down (as he does) and because I was rabbiting on so fast he had to tell me to slow down a few times.

"You need to learn shorthand so that you can write down what I am saying" I commented as a joke.

"It's not what you are saying that I am writing down, it's what you are telling me" he replied cryptically.

I then told him about the gynea visit and gave him the name of the drug I would be going on and asked if that is okay with what I am taking.  It was.

Then he said:

"As you were telling me about what was going on over the past few weeks I was thinking to myself that you are depressed and needs anti depressants.  I wondered how on earth I was going to get you to take them when I know you wouldn't. This makes it easier for me.  Hopefully going on it will help you. Bipolar and menopause are not the best of friends".  He then added that I will feel a difference within a week of starting.  And he was right.  It's been four days and I feel physically and mentally better.  Hopefully that lasts because, like any person, I don't like feeling continuously crappity crap.  I've had no negative side effects.

The visit itself was a good one.  Probably because he was much more relaxed and funny.  It's like he worked out the best way to approach me.  It must take a while for a psych/therapist to find a way to have a successful working relationship with a patient.

Work has been good I guess.  The usual busy.  We have a new person starting soon so once again the office dynamics will change.  Despite having two new people in I don't chat as much to them when it is just the three of us.  One of them is a young guy of about 23.  Really lovely but just your basic sports loving man and, really, I am hardly a person he wants to have a good old chin wag with by the water cooler (if we had one that is).

The other guy is around forty.  I would bet my bottom dollar that he would rate on the Asperger's scale. I have worked with someone who has Aspergers and there are certain traits that go with it.  Not bad traits, just unique ones.  So he is not overly chatty and he prefers to work with headphones in his ears because he finds the noise of the office stressful.  And that is okay.  So, now I tend to use my headphones a lot and listen to music.  I don't mind as I like to be in my own world while I am working too.

Next week I have Thursday and Friday off to do my own thing.  On Thursday morning K and I will have breakfast at some funky cafe.  Then I plan on going on a big walk along the beach if the weather is inviting.  After that I will have studio time.  I have not planned Friday yet.

I seriously have nothing else to report.

So I might have a cup of tea.

But I am not coming back to write a report on that.

In case you thought I was.

linda x

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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Tuesday 12th August

September 2013
It's funny, isn't it, that when you look at someone you never know what is going on in their head.  I look at this photo and remember how fragile I was.  It was around three months before I went on medication.  As much as I hate being on the medication that photo is a big enough reminder to me as to why I am on it.

Anyway, that is not what this post is about.  I just happened to be trying to organise my digital photos and came across it (an many others) and was reminded of stuff that I hate being reminded of.

I have far too many unsorted digital photos.  They are slowly getting sorted into order and I am deleting photos that are crap.  Then I hope to shift them into a folder by year and then get some photo books made.  It is such an onerous task but also an emotional one.  Something nice about seeing time pass via little thumbnails on your lap top.

The past two days at work have been shite.  Our cloud based accounting package changed "platforms" (or some crap like that) over the weekend.  Well, let me tell you, all did not go well.  I managed to get about two hours of productive work done.  By the end of today I felt very despondent and also concerned as to how on earth I could catch up with two days of lost work.  When I got home and tried to log on to the software needless to say it worked.

You have to hate technology don't you?

I've not been doing anything particularly creative. I do not have the mindset but that's okay because it is only temporary and a lot is going on in the back of my mind what I will do next.

What I have done is start outdoor exercise. Last Monday I turned up to the park where it is held.  There is a beautiful little lake in the middle of it with swans and ducks.  When we walk around it in the dark you can hear the quacks and splashes of them.  Such a lovely thing.

So there was running and sit ups.  More running and other stuff.  Then I went Wednesday to do boxing.  Then Thursday was a cardio class in the pouring rain.  It's been a long time since I did any running and I mean a long time.  Two years at least and my body was not happy about it.  The trainer took us to a smaller park that had a 250 metre track around it and we had to run around it ten times with a one minute break in between.   I managed to keep each sprint under 55 seconds but I tell you I did not enjoy it.  The rain had soaked me and my legs felt leaden.

When I woke up Friday morning I think every muscle in my body felt like a big bruise.  Saturday was worse.  On the weekend I cancelled my gym membership because I knew I was over it.  Monday I was back to the park with its tranquil pond and ready for another session.  Today my butt is killing me from the new exercises I am doing.

The days I do the exercise means I am not home until around 7.30pm as I go straight to exercise from work.  That's okay because once I step into the house it's kind of relaxing knowing I am not going to have to head out again.

So a healthy change in exercise and the continuation of healthy eating will take me out of the last month of Winter and into a new season.

Always a work in progress.

linda c

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Saturday, August 02, 2014

Saturday 2nd August

It seems as though time just races by faster than I can comprehend these days.

Sometimes I just attribute it to getting older but it's more than that.  Something about my son being 17, my turning fifty, my husband being sixty, my being on medication for BP and the sense of being on a different road I guess.  Lots of things.

Now that my son is 17 and in his second last year of high school I am painfully aware that he is moving fast into the world of a young adult.  He talks about University and career options and what his plans are.  He has a plan of action for the next ten years and is just making his way towards that in his head.  Although I am pleased he has a clear view I remind him to have fun on the way.  I am sure he will.

He is heading closer to the time where he will one day experience love and loss, success and disappointment, joy and grief.  His heart will be broken and he will recover.  He will go for jobs and be rejected and go to other jobs and get them.  Oh the pain of growing up into adulthood.  Hopefully it is a less tumultuous journey for him than it was for me.

Tonight I was filling two hot water bottles for the bed and my husband said that it reminded him of the days when he used to do just the same for S.  Fill a hot water bottle up with boiling water, wrap it in a towel and put it under the doona to keep S warm and cosy.  I'd forgotten that.  As time is passing I no longer spontaneously recall these little moments like I used to.  I have to confess this has become an issue since taking the medication.  I can draw a line in the sand when it happened, when my memory was not so sharp, and the line in the sand is when I started the meds.

So, it has been a while since I did a post.  No reason really.  Just super tired and trying to fit things in I guess.  It's good to have a break from any activity now and then.  However, it's not like I did nothing. Last weekend I finally purchased curtains to hang in our piano room.  It's been a few years since I had curtains there.  We only have these boring white blinds.  So I went to a Laura Ashley store and picked up ready to hang curtains that were heavily reduced.  Floral of course.  The next day K and I went up to get timber rods to hang them on and let me say one thing, there is nothing like a curtain hanging event to created tensions between couples. There was no way to hook the big wooden rings onto the curtain top.  This caused me to have a mini meltdown because I feared that I would have to spend my precious Sunday sewing forty rings onto the curtains and that was not a happy thought. K came up with the idea of using cable ties, attaching them to the curtain and then to the curtain ring.  It worked wonderfully.

On Monday after work I had to go into the dentist.  It was to have a tiny filling in my back tooth fixed and to tidy up some old fillings at the back of my front teeth.  I am of the age where every tooth has been filled.  When I was about 12 fluoride was put into the water and tooth decay reduced in children hugely.  However, it was too late for me to benefit.  Hence a mouth full of fillings.  Anyway, I get to the dentist and as I sit in the waiting room I realise how nervous I get each time I go there.  My anxiety levels rise at great speed and I start to sweat.  With this in mind I did deep breathing and remembered what a good and gentle dentist I have.

My dentist had not actually seen the hole that needed filling as he had been away when I had gone to the dental hygienist for a tooth clean.  The other dentist on site made a note of it but did not take an x-ray.  So, when my dentist started work on it the small hole was actually a HUGE one.  One of those awful ones I had not had for years.  Started with a big fucker of an injection and it was all down hill from there.  Drilling, more drilling. High speed, low speed. The noise of it made my ear hurt.  The cold air made my upper teeth hurt to he wedged stuff in my mouth to cover them.  Because the tooth was the last at the back of my teeth I had to have my mouth wide open.  It also meant it was fiddly work getting equipment into my mouth.

All of this took almost an hour and my mouth was open for the entire time.  When he finished I said "oh, that was more than I was expecting" and he replied "much more than I was expecting too".  The rest of the work I had planned will be done in another appointment because there was no way I could have had another hour of work.

When I got home and the numbness wore off I was reminded of how shit having a filling is.  I also realised another problem was starting.  Because all the work was on the right side it triggered my facial nerve pain and for the rest of the week I had shooting pains over the right hand side of my face. The pain was random.  My right eye lid and surroundings felt like pins were pricking them.  Yesterday in the icy cold wind just made it worse.  It's only today it has settled down.  Oh thank goodness for pain killers.

And I had to pay for it.

I also made a decision to do outdoor exercise again.  I need a change and kick up the arse as far as exercise goes.  The gym membership will stay for a while as I like doing stuff there too but I just feel like I need to be working out with friends.  The group I am going with is not the same one I went to before.  Well it is and it isn't.  The personal trainer sold the business and started her own.  Some of the girls I used to train with went across to her new business.  So I start Monday.  It's on the way home from work so i will get ready at work and leave at around 5.30pm for a 6.00 pm start.  One hour class twice a week.  More sessions during the warmer months I would guess.

It was a struggle to make a move on it but I have actually been having issues with a chronic sense of depression and it's been different to what I am used to.  It's made me lazy, demotivated, disinterested and tired.  My sleep is long, deep and unrefreshed.  My body and brain are feeling like two connected blobs and I am overly emotional.   I'm going to use the SAD light tomorrow even though I am not meant to (says Mr Fez).  Just to see if it helps.  Just a one off.  It might work and it might be a placebo if it does but who cares.

The best thing is more exercise.  And fresh air.  And a change.  A change is always a good thing.

I am sure there is more to tell.  But really, who wants to hear things like the following:

  1. Today I went through my scarves and sorted them all into autumn/winter and spring/summer piles. Each scarf reminded me of where I had been when I bought it. 
  2. Did bookwork on Tuesday night at my brother's where he sat next to me, drank two huge glasses of wine and talked non stop.  I almost needed a wine after that but had to drive home. 
  3. Went to the hairdressers on Wednesday evening and had a hair trim.  When I left there my hair was straight and silky.  Divine.  The next morning it went back to curly wurly which was most annoying. 
  4. Thursday night I had to to bookwork at home and my husband said something about how much he hates when I do his bookwork because I ask questions about things that happened ages ago and he can't recall the answer.  My head hurt by the time I went to bed. 
  5. Friday morning on the way to work I picked up a dozen bagels and half a dozen French vanilla slices.  My breakfast was a strong cup of coffee followed by a salmon and cream cheese bagel. It was so delicious I almost cried. 
  6. My husband and I had a lovely time today in the backyard today doing poo patrol together.  It was a most disgusting yet amusing experience.  Disgusting because it had rained heavily last night (and hailed) so the condition of the dog poo was, shall we say, not very robust.  And there was so much that I think we collectively picked up around 4kg's.  Puke. I was amused because K complained non stop.  
  7. Last week my son had the worst dinner each night.  Pie on Monday. Hamburger on Tuesday. Scrambled eggs on Wednesday.  Shop bought spaghetti carbonara on Thursday. Pizza on Friday. Sausages in bread on Saturday.  This is because I have not been organised enough with dinner and, the truth be known, I really, really, really don't enjoy cooking and can't think of anything exciting to come up with that takes no more than half an hour.  I'd rather draw. K cooks but his repertoire is a bit limited. 
  8. I did make around five litres of vegetable soup which was great - for around three days. I gave some to my neighbour who is unwell.  Don't know how I got five litres but it just grew bigger. 
  9. I am trying to think of one more thing so that I can list ten things you might enjoy being bored about.
  10. I haven't eaten chocolate for four days.
Well, that was all rather exciting wasn't it?

linda x 

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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Tuesday 22nd July

Weekend has come and gone and tomorrow is the middle of the week.

It was a sad weekend.  Not for me, but for so many people in the world.  It seemed as though all the misery in countries afar had seeped into our safe lives.  There was the passenger plane that had been shot down while flying over Ukraine.  A plane crash is a tragedy no matter where it happens and no matter who is on the flight but there was something about this one that just seemed so foul.  That it was shot from the sky like a clay pigeon and exploded over fields of sunflowers and Queen Ann Lace made it seem so much more hideous.

The bodies of people lay in the crops and the poor locals saw them fall from the sky before they landed. One fell through the roof of someones house and into their bedroom.  Death is fact of life, brutal and violent death is a horror and should never be a fact.  I made the mistake of reading a French journalist's website and viewed photos that he had taken.  They were so shocking but I still looked at them, not for any ghoulish reason.  I looked because it made me cry and I felt sad for everybody.  The passengers, the locals, the relatives. It was sad and ugly.

Then there is the war in Syria.  The conflict in the Gaza Strip.  I'm never sure if it is getting worse or we see it so much more now.

I wonder about the world sometimes.

It's kind of fucked really.


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