Friday, June 19, 2015

Friday 19th June

It's Friday just after lunch and I am at home.

Not working from home.  Just at home doing my own thing.  I have already had two days off and it is only today I feel okay.  I felt okay on Wednesday and Thursday but part of me was constricted and confused about what to do and I am sure that is just the normal feeling when you are suddenly away from work on a break.  It's not like the weekend.  I don't really ever feel relaxed on the weekend because I spend half the time gearing up for the week ahead.

On Wednesday I was up early and did things.  Not sure what.  Not that it matters.  In the middle of the day I had to go to the shopping centre to pick up a gym top because, after four years, mine finally died.  Plus I have put on weight and size small is not my thing at all.

Yesterday I was up early again (there is a reason for these early starts by the way) and went for a huge walk along the beach with one of my Oxfam friends.  Then in afternoon I did other stuff which involved a dog walk.  Oh, yeah, I bought a great big book to read.  It is Simone de Beauvoir's the Second Sex.  It has 782 pages which I expect will keep me very busy.  I hope it does not turn out to be like painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge - you know where they start at one end and by the time they get to the other end they have to start again.  By this I mean, I hope I don't get to page 782 and forget what I have just read and then have to start again.

Today I had another early morning (reason coming up soon) and took Mr Benny to the dog groomer's.  It has been two years since he last went and I must confess to being a tardy dog brusher so he was not happy about being dropped off.  No doubt the memory of being brushed had not gone away as he stared with pending horror at me from the window as I left him behind.  However, now he is so nice and fluffy, although there was some serious trimming at the tail end of things.

After that I went to an exercise class and then had coffee with the rest of the girls.  Actually, not coffee.  I had two cups of the most delicious hot chocolate made with almond milk.  I often find dairy milk a bit blech.  I feel the same way about icecream.

Now I am home in my cosy house and blogging.  After this I will take out my drawing gear.  The house is so nice and peaceful.  It's such a delight.

So, this getting up early thing.  Well, last Friday Bossman and I were talking about things that are hard to do in life and just how long it takes to break a habit and I said to him that he could not give up biscuits.  He eats a LOT of them during the day.  He is a Cookie Monster.  When I said he could not give them up, he defended himself saying it would not be hard and so I set a challenge.  For two weeks he would have to not eat any biscuits and in return I would get up at 6.30am every morning.

Getting up early is very, very hard for me.  I am a poor sleeper and a bed sloth.

So, since Saturday this week, with the exception of one day, I have been up at 6.30 am.  K made me 'fess up to not getting up at 6.30 am on Wednesday.  It's a fun challenge and I think Bossman finds it hard because biscuits are delicious and when he gets stressed he likes to eat lots of them.

I booked my holiday to Lord Howe Island and will be going in November on my own.  Where I am staying has no television.  There is no mobile reception at all on the island.  Limited internet service and not many people.

I have a few ideas on what I will do but not too many as the weather can change quite suddenly and I may find myself stuck inside or walking in the wind and rain.  As a rule November is a warm month but no overly so.  A few things I hope to do are snorkeling, half day ocean fishing and a full day guided trek up Mt Gower which is fairly arduous.  Mostly I will just reconnect (love that word) and take some well earned time out.

Needless to say, my camera and my drawing gear are coming with me.

I've been off my anti depressants for two weeks now.  The getting off them was very unpleasant.  I felt sick and had vertigo.  Also the strangest sensations in my head which the psych warned me about. They are like brain zaps or shivers.  I am still getting them now and then.  It took a full week to have minimal physical symptoms and this is because I am on a low dose.  I imagine if you were on a higher dose it would be much worse.

Do I feel okay?  I guess I feel more clear headed mostly.  Anti depressants are inclined to make me feel foggy but the fact is that there are times they are what is needed, these past few months was one of those times.  I've been very elevated for over a week and there are not the usual signals that it is on the way down.  It makes me overly energetic, funny to the point of being scary, a motor mouth, arrogant, annoyingly intense and inclined to be lacking in empathy.  The only good thing about all that is that I am mindful of others and just work extra hard to not be too difficult.  Everyone has feelings to be considered.  My psych is going away for two weeks and before he gets back I have to have a blood test to check my medicaiton levels.

I am not back at work until Tuesday next week so for the rest of the time I am concentrating on my art work and studio.  The usual exercise stuff.  Just relaxing and charging up my brain batteries.

Tomorrow morning is the Bayside Farmer's Market so I will be going there.  It's been a while and I am in a good frame of mind for buying obscure food products.  K is going on his first bike ride since injuring his knee months ago.  He had surgery six week ago to tidy up a torn meniscus so now he is ready to test it.  As for S, well I think he will be snoozing in bed until midday.

Hopefully I will find myself a pair of leather knee length boots I am wanting.  My lovely Italian ones are ten years old (my oldest boots yet) and starting to look tired.  Trouble is, I can't just buy any boots.  They have to feel just right.  Soft, buttery leather.  Stack heel.  European made, preferably Italian.  And not too expensive - therein lies the catch.  I like a bargain but I want the best.  Sigh - this makes the purchasing process a longer one.

Nothing else for now.

Pencils and paper are calling me.

linda x

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Friday, June 05, 2015

Friday 5th June

End of the week and a three day weekend thanks to a public holiday on Monday.  Hooray. Double Hooray.

I had a shite week this week.  Work is stressful and, to be honest, it's making me ill I think. Although, it may be best to not believe anything I say today because I am a very unstable mood and the thoughts that are in my head now probably won't be in there tomorrow.  They will be replaced by a new batch of thoughts and then those too will be kicked out and new ones will make my mind their home.

On Wednesday I went to the pych's and the moment I walked in I said that I could not talk about anything too much.  Instead we chatted about my work a bit and how it was making me feel.  He said he would like me to take a week off and just do what I wanted whether it be to sleep in, go for a walk, play with my dog, spend time in the studio or do nothing.  The conversation seemed to be all about this having a break thing and I felt a bit annoyed, as though I was being told what to do.  I asked him if he was giving me some sort of instruction and he said that he could see that I needed some time away from work as it appeared I did not have the capacity to recognise when I needed a break.

He was right of course.  I never recognise it and the pressure just builds up and I spend my free time in recovery mode.

At one point of the consultation he asked me if I was okay and I said I wasn't, that I felt fragile.

"What do you mean by fragile Linda? Do you mean depressed?" he asked me.

"No, not depressed as such.  I feel like I want to cry" I told him.

"How do you feel when you cry?  What is the emotion that you feel?" he asked.

"Helpless I guess" I said after a while.  It was most unpleasant having to admit that as I am a person who likes to turn my emotions into logic and being questioned about what I am feeling (deep, deep down) is my least liked thing to do.

The session went on and we talked about other relevant things and we touched on the topic of being in control.  For the record, in case you may not have guessed, I am a control freak.  I don't use the term lightly.  For me, it is really important that I can control as much a possible so that my life is manageable.  Despite my knowing this is not an ideal way to be, the logic of that awareness is unable to stop my controlling actions.

It's not that I try to control others for I know that I cannot do that.  I cannot control what happens around me so I work at controlling what I can, both physically and emotionally.  So, in effect, I am all calm on the outside and a completely wound up and tangled mess of machinery on the inside. And it's not doing me any good at all.  On the way home from work tonight I screamed as loud as I could while I was driving in the vain hope it would release some pressure.  Sadly, no, it hurt my ears instead.

I said to him at one point "I don't know how I would feel if I lost control" to which he replied "Helpless".  And he was right.  I would feel helpless and, right now, I don't feel in control.  Not sure what it is I don't feel in control of, it's just a big, pressurised feeling.

Anyway, the end result is that I am having five days off this month.  Wednesday week.  Bossman's wife has frequently suggested I take time off and on Thursday came over to me with her calendar and blocked me some time out.  So, there you go, five days off coming up.

I am also booking a holiday in November for 7 nights at Lord Howe Island.  K and S won't be coming as it's not their kind of holiday.  Lots of hiking and other outdoor things.  I have two friends who may come with otherwise I will be going on my own which is a big thing, but I am comfortable with that.  Initially I was concerned that K and S would be upset about not joiing me but we agreed that the cost of them going would be a bit of a waste if they were not really enjoying it as it should be enjoyed.

Before I book the date I am only waiting for the yay or nay from my friends.

Visiting Lord Howe Island has been a lifelong dream I have harboured.  When I was fifteen I went to a bric-a-brac market and bought a framed black and white photo of Lord Howe Island dated 1953.  It was so beautiful and I decided that one day I would go there.  Over the years I read about it, looked at photos and with the arrival of the internet I would look up more information about it.  But, as often happens in life,  I just put it on the back burner.

So, what made me decide to bite the bullet and make a move to go there?  I guess I felt as though after speaking the the psych it was okay for me to do exactly what I wanted to do.  That whole giving myself "permission" maybe?  Then again, maybe I just need a big fat holiday.

Moving away from the holiday side of things, right now I am moving off my anti depressants.  On Wednesday it was agreed that I would go off them because of the weight gain and some other undesirable side effects that are going on.  It's lucky that I have a three day weekend coming up because the side effects of coming off them are tricky.  Basically I feel like stabbing something or someone.  Fortunately my wonderful ability to control my inner self ensures that nobody is infected by my mood.  I just stared at the computer screen a lot today at work.

The photo I have posted up the top is of me taken in 2006.  So, almost ten years ago.  Oh, how fascinating the aging process is.  My arms so naked and smooth then are now covered in scars and sport a tattoo.  My hair so glossy and brown is now grey.  And no longer do I wear tops that show my bare midriff.  But that's okay.  The way I see it is that we all have our time of utter gorgeousness and then, unless we die beforehand, decay is inevetible.

Below is another photo.  A much more beautiful image.  It's a car.  This lovely car is being picked up early July to join us, its new family.  I've had a Stag before but that was before S was born and now, after a long time searching, we have bought this one. By the way, that is not K in the car.

The Stag represents some sort of teenage sexual awareness to me and if you read the post I did called The Stud and His Stag,  it will make sense.

See, when you are young you are just kind of sexy in that peachy way.  It exudes from you like some wonderful halo.  When you get older and the peach becomes a wrinkly apple you go out and buy a Stag to relive the moment.  Who says men get a sports car when they have a midlife crisis.

Maybe I'll drive a young lad around!  Ah, no.  That's just gross to me. I cannot even believe I wrote that.

Nope, I'm going online to buy a Dire Straits cd to play in the car when it arrives.

Sultans of Swing - here I come.

linda x

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Sunday, May 31, 2015

Sunday 31st May

Last day of May and the rain is coming down like a wet blanket outside.  The week ahead will be much of the same.  It is strange how tomorrow is the first day of Winter and the weather suddenly becomes everything I expect Winter to be.  Wet and cold.

I didn't get to take Mr Benny for a walk this weekend and it has just dawned on me that he may not have had one last weekend either.  Unfortunately, as is often the case in many households, it tends to be one person who takes the dog for a walk. In this house it is me.  I feel a bit guilty but sometimes it happens that I can't get everything done that I want to.

Yesterday was a great day.  The sun was shining on a cold morning and I was down at the beach for a 7.30 cardio class where I did lots of running up and down stairs and exercises in between.  Even now as I sit here I can feel my calves are very tender from the stair incline.  Tomorrow I am starting a new challenge on top of my exercise.  It's 50 squats on day one, increasing 5 per day until up to 250.  However, the squat has to be done properly which involves a chair being placed 45cm's from a wall and you have to face the wall, squat down and just stop above the seat.  This ensures you keep your chest upright otherwise if you lean forward you'll hit your head on the wall.

Despite all my exercise and my moderate food intake, my weight continues to be a major challenge. I know this is a whiney first world problem but in 18 months I have put on about 8 kgs.  The last 4kg's rocked on with I started the Effexor and I can tell  you that I am not happy about that at all.  Anti depressants have that effect on me.  It has meant my clothes are tight and I hate tight clothes.  I hate feeling my clothes on my body.  It distracts me and makes me wriggle around.  That is the reason I never wear shirts - they touch me and are crunchy or something.  Still, I am only on the anti depressants until the end of Winter so I will just deal with it.  I mean, I like to think I am so much more than the number on my scales.

Yesterday afternoon I caught up with a very good friend and we spent a couple of hours together down the street just talking and had coffee (or in my case, hot chocolate)  She was one of my Oxfam friends and we still catch up now and then. It was an exceptionally nice time.

My brother dropped around after I got home and we chatted away.  He has had a bit of a falling out with our mummy and he wanted to talk about it.  In fact, he came into my work on Thursday to debrief. I try not to get too involved but instead throw in a few judicious comments to help him be less blinkered about the issues he has.  I did say that life is short and one day mummy won't be there. He is inclined to hold a grudge and it takes a bit of work to help him see the other person's side to things.

S was out at a party yesterday late afternoon to the evening.  Also the week prior he went out to a party and has decided that drinking more than a couple of drinks is not for him.  He just feels ill.  In fact, he dry retched a few times out of the car while K was driving.  These days, before the kids go to a party, they have predrinks somewhere.  Drinks are expensive when out and some of the kids are underage (here the legal drinking age is 18) hence the imbibing before heading out.

I'm still going to see Dr T every Wednesday.  It's pretty full on and sometimes it's a two steps forward and one step back thing happening but, I am better for it I think.  I had a bit of an issue a couple of weeks ago when I used the blue light for five days (despite clear instructions to not use it by Dr T) and subsequently ended up hypomanic which meant I was fan-fucking-tastic for two days and then had a bad case of ADHD for three days and it would have continued on had I not taken medication three nights in a row to sleep and valium during the day to bring me back down and then  ruefully accepted that last weekend was a recovery one.  So now I'm okay.

Needless to say, no blue light again.  It was very destabilising.  Ho hum.

Today I did a big grocery shop.  Made dinner and then put on a slow cooked pot roast which will be dinner for a couple of days, maybe more.  I also made muesli bars for S to take to school.  He has asked for healthy food now.  No icecream.  No cake in his lunchbox.  He also now has lunch wrap instead of bread for his lunch.  This has all come from him which is the most important thing as I believe that decisions we make without other people influencing us are the ones we are most likely to keep.

Once I did what had to be done around the house that was my weekend over - never enough hours in the day is there?

Next weekend is a three day weekend.  Another lovely publich holiday and the last one until November.  I intend to do not much at all though I am pretty sure there is a hair dressing appointment on Saturday morning for a trim.

Oh, I did see Mad Max last Monday with S.  It was great.  We went Gold Class which is the only way to see a big movie like Mad Max.  I love the movie start to finish but then I have always liked the Mad Max movie series.  It was great to go out with S as he has such a funny sense of humour, very sharp and astute.  And we talk about things.  I love hearing his outlook on life.

Not much else.  Work is good.  I think I need a proper holiday.  I have so much leave built up that I could take two months off.  But I will save my holiday until next year when we go overseas - something still only at vague planning stage.

Time for bed now.

Must keep that routine in place.

linda x
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Saturday, May 09, 2015

Saturday 9th May

I thought I might do a post this week rather than waiting another two weeks.  Not sure why I thought that.  I'm sitting in the kitchen and it's not late enough for bed but too late to start on anything in particular.

I was up this morning at around 6.45 am to get ready and be down at the beach for a 7.30 am cardio class.  Getting my legs to swing out of bed to allow my feet to touch the floor is the hardest part. Once that happens I am kind of okay with the rest of the stuff.  Get dressed and get going.

Today was loosely based on last week only in a different section.  Running along sandy tracks, up ramps, running into a head wind, running up and down stairs.  Variations of a theme which is to make me empty my morning energy tank within an hour.

On the way home I picked up bread from the bakery and then once home I sat and had toast for breakfast. This was followed by left over cheese from book club.  I then had to throw the cheese out because I don't need to have double brie cheese in my fridge free for the taking.  I will just eat it, feel ill and then eat more, feel ill and so on.

The rest of the day was spent just doing the usual household things around the house.  These activities were broken by periods of time spent sitting on the lounge chair fiddling with my phone because I was so tired after my exercise.  Then I snoozed a bit.  To clear my head I took Mr Benny for a 3km walk and that helped.

All in all, it was one of those days where not much was achieved but I was okay with it.  I'll catch up tomorrow.

My son went to a party last night.  He drank a bit much but had a great time.  It was an 18th birthday party and there were about 100 people there.  All kids had to be signed off the list and had to provide a note (or sms permission) from their parents that they were allowed to drink if they were under 18. Parties are quite different these days.   Although he had a great time he said he is kind of over parties for a while.  I think it is because he has to pay for his drinks and his drink selection is a bit pricey.

S is going out with friends for his 18th to some ratty bar in the city.  The three of us will go out for dinner but he wants nothing else.  I am okay with that but I like to offer and give him the right of refusal (or acceptance).  People don't always like to celebrate their birthdays in a big way.

I've done very little in regards to my art work. It is as though I cannot move on it.  The ideas are there and I jot them down to attend to later.  The visual aspects to what I want to draw are in my head but I just cannot motivate myself to get into it.  I do other stuff and not very interesting stuff either - houseworky shit.  I dread that I will be the same in ten years time.  The epic creative procrastinator.  I even have the book of all my drawings 90% finished and still I just don't pull my finger out and finish it completely.  It's just very frustrating.  The harder I try, the more it becomes an issue.

I sometimes wonder if the medication I take is a bit inclined to make me less motivated.  The idea of taking the mood stabilisers is to even my mood out and it does that.  The idea of taking the anti depressant is to stop the chronic and pervasive depression and it does that too.  But by removing the mood swings and taking away the depression I feel as though the medications have taken away the extremes I used to experience which were great drivers for getting my art work done.  Nowadays I feel quite numb.  Sort of like "the lights are on but nobody's home" sensation.  The anti depressants are the ones that do that - the last time I took them the same issue happened.  Hmmmmm. It's a bit shitful.

However, tempted as I am at times to go off the medication and just feel those huge emotions, I can still recall, as though it were yesterday, how utterly awful I felt in 2013 when I was really, really losing it and towards the end of 2013 when I was sitting on the bathroom floor with my head in my hands trying to hold in the pressure building up and the screaming sensation going on inside my skull.  I can recall lying in bed and saying to K how frightened I was by what was happening in my head.  Since I never spoke like that then you can imagine how concerned he was.  And I can still picture me sitting in the office with K because I was too scared to be on my own while I felt the way I did.  Why would I want to go back to that?

The other day I when I was at work I put my headphones on to block out the office noise.  I don't listen to music, I listen to binaural beats accompanied by a particular noise as it helps me relax and focus.  These days I choose forest noises.  When I was experiencing "bad head" I used to listen to the binaural beats with a tribal noise.  I accidentally chose this combination on Thursday and hearing it made me panic because all of the feelings I had at the time rushed back into me and it felt as though it were happening again.  I was quite surprised and it took a while to stop thinking about how such a little thing could do that.

So, it's a price to pay isn't it.  Medication alleviates some awfully unpleasant things.  Yet it takes away something quite life giving.  I will just have to approach my artwork in a different way, I just need to work out how.  Perhaps if I schedule time in for it, just as I do with exercise.  At a certain time each week I just sit down and do my art work.  I've thought of that and part of me actually thinks my art work is not important enough to schedule time for. It's something I should approach after everthing else is done.  Is it because I consider it a pleasureable activity and thus I'm somehow being self indulgent if I do it?

Well, it's late.  Past my bedtime.  Tomorrow is Sunday and I need to be a bit organised.  I want to get up earlyish and get stuff done in the morning.

Then maybe do my artwork.

Or at least think a lot about it.

Where's that kick up the arse when you need it?

linda x

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Saturday, May 02, 2015

Saturday 2nd May

A day short of two weeks since I last posted.  I wish I had an exciting life and could entertain you with great stories of my wonderful travels and life experiences.

Unfortunately, at this point in time, I can't do that.  So I shall entertain you instead with stories of the routine of my life.

I read somewhere about a man who wrote a book about travels in his bedroom.  He went into great depth about what pyjama's he was wearing and what he saw in one part of his bedroom and things like that.  The book was written over 100 years ago so I think he was unlikely to have regaled us with stories of any hanky panky that went on.

I presume the book had some level of popularity otherwise I would not be able to actually talk about it.

Speaking of books, I have book club this Wednesday.  I think it will be a full house as the last one had to be cancelled due to it falling on the school holidays and most of the group were away.  I think there must be at least ten of us and in my little house it's crowded when we are all together.

Because it falls on the same day I go to the psychiatrist I have to have everything organised before hand.  In the past I could just leave a bit early from work and get it all sorted on the day.  So today I went out to pick up four books.  We have a list we work from and I spent a lot of time going through the latest releases to make sure that I was not going to double up or pick a shitty one.  The local book shop only had two of them and tomorrow I will go to a great independent book shop and hopefully get the other two.

Then I bought cheese.  And finally after MANY years I finally purchased a proper cheese board and cheese knives.  It was such a simple and inexpensive purchase and I don't understand why I did not do it sooner.  There have been many times I needed both these things.

This morning I was up early and down off to the beach for a 7.30 hour long class of cardio.  It was hard.  Needless to say there was running.  Running on grass, running on sand, running on gravel, running on dirt.  Running down a hill. Running up a hill.  Running up and down a ramp five times.  I was very tired by the time I got home and the shower was the most welcome thing.

Overall today has been a good day.  I've been a bit ratty after seeing the psych on Wednesday and I think this is normal as there is no way I could just walk out from that office and act like I had just been chatting about the weather.  It's quite challenging, very emotional and so different to when I did therapy a few years ago.

Wednesday week ago at Dr T's was a very unsettling consultation for a number of reasons (none of which I am going to go into).  It was followed by awful dreams/nightmares that night and the recurrence of a really scary dream I used to have all the time as a child and right through until my late twenties and then it faded away and only rarely showed itself.  It usually means I am not on top of things in my headspace.  We discussed the dreams this week and then I left his office in a mood that was different to the one I had when I arrived there.

What else?  Not much.  Go to work.  Exercise.  Weekend is all about getting ready for the week ahead.  Just the usual life thing.  Though I keep hoping that one day I may get my front garden made pretty again.  That is a looming job and I think I am making a mountain out of a mole hill.

It's always at this point in a post I just feel as though there is seriously nothing more to say.  It's like those paragraphs above make up the sum of me and nothing else.  I could talk about politics, natural disasters that are going on right at this moment, terribly injustices happening in far too many parts of the world.  Or perhaps I could talk about poverty in so called Western civilized countries.  Or maybe gender inequality.  Or bigotry.  Or so called wholesome religious organisations that are against pretty much any person or group who does not go with their beliefs.  Oh, I could go on and on about so much that goes on outside of my front door and outside of yours but we see it in the newspapers every day.  It's on television.  On the internet.  It flows like water from a river that has burst its banks in a storm and then we are drowned by it.

I read newspapers.  I watch the news.  I trawl through the internet (and not always on trashy websites) to see what is happening.  I absorb it into my psyche and think of it all the time.  In the back of my head is a dialogue going on about things that are out of my control.

So when I ramble on about mindless things that go on in my small life, it's not because I don't know what is going on in this world that we all live on.  It's because I really don't want to be another voice amongst the thousands.  I have nothing to add to it all.

The world is not a peaceful place really.  So I try to keep my little world peaceful.

And that is why I don't really say much.

lc x
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Sunday, April 19, 2015

Sunday 19th April

Two weeks have passed since I almost suffered "death by chocolate" on Easter Sunday.  Yep.  I really overdid it.  There were lots of those little chocolate Easter eggs that are wrapped in pretty foil. Lots and lots.  So sweet and small and easy to unwrap, pop in ones mouth and let it melt slowly.  Only to do it again.  And again.

In the late afternoon I felt quite ill and at one point I bent down to pick something from off the kitchen floor and experienced the awful feeling of chocolate vomit wanting to come back up.  So I stopped.

I really had a two week binge over the lead up to Easter.  It's always the same.  Hot cross buns and chocolate.  In fact, lately I've been indulging more than I would have in the past, way more and as a result have put in about a kilogram.  I've been back on track for two weeks but it's a bit harder now I am older.

The Wednesday after Easter was a trip to the psych.  I made some comment about putting on weight and initially thinking it was the medication.  He asked if I believed it was.  I said I wanted it to be the medication but, sadly, it was a lack of self control by me.  We both laughed at that.

Now I see him every Wednesday at his city office.  My first trip in was last week and it was very different to the usual consultation as now I am stable we can talk about things in a more in depth way. It was awkward at first because I was in a different environment, had driven in busy traffic and had to park my car a ten minute walk away so I felt a bit disoriented.

The room is not very brightly lit which gives off a more relaxing feel.  He has lamps as well as a window that allow enough light.  There is a couch and two armchairs in the room, all of which are covered in purple velvet,  along with a couple of small wooden side tables.  I sit opposite him.  I find the furniture distracting as, to me, purple feels like an aggressive colour.  I kept running my hands over the extremely wide arms of the chair, not because I was nervous (not that I was aware of) but because of the soft feeling of the velvet.  Despite the distraction of that and my excessive fidgeting it all went okay.

So, on the way home I was concentrating on the traffic and listening to music.  Not really thinking too much of what conversations had transpired in the room as not much was very specific.  However, as the evening went on I felt unsettled and recalled that I felt the same way when I first used to go the therapy years ago.  It took ages to get to sleep and during the night I was awake for a few hours and subsequently felt like shit when I woke up.

Fortunately I was working from home the next day and so could just get on with work and not be sociable (meaning pleasant) to anyone. Working from home also gave me the chance to schlep in my yoga pants and let my hair dry naturally.  By the end of the day my hair was the most fantastic mass of silver fairy floss.  Since taking my medication my hair has inexplicably increased in curliness to the point where it is hard to blow dry to a semblance of straight.

Anyway, I worked at the kitchen table all day long in the silent house.  I was very productive despite being very tired.  At around 4pm though I had to go and sleep for an hour as I was starting to feel unwell with fatigue.  Later on I decided to forgo group exercise and took Mr Benny for a 6km walk which woke me up for a short time.

It took until Saturday until I felt settled again.  Well, that is until I had to get up very early and be down at the beach for a one hour cardio class at 7.30 am.  Since I am going to the psychiatrist's on Wednesday after work I cannot make it to exercise class as well and have had to pick up another class.  Fortunately I have been doing four nights of solid exercise each week so doing the Saturday morning cardio, although unpleasant, is not as hard as I expected.  However, I think I am going to have to do a couple of marathons to run off the extra layer of fat I am carrying thanks to my Easter indulgence.

Last night my brother and his family came over to dinner to celebrate his birthday.  It was a noisy night and I drank three big glasses of wine.  The last time I had a drink was Christmas and last night I was a bit drunk before they even arrived.  My brother took over some of the cooking which involved frying cooked vegetables in butter, honey and some herbal salt I have.  It was so tasty that my vegetable hating son ate plenty.  Later on he said to me that if I cooked vegetables like the way my brother did he would eat plenty of them.  I said I am not soaking any vegetables in butter.  But, then again, if it gets veges into him maybe I will.

My nephews are noisy.  My brother is noisy. Non stop noisy.  Talking all the time.  Talking at me. Talking to each other. At loud levels too.  My youngest nephew was doing a lot of over talking to the point where my ears hurt and I said to him "D, it's 8.30pm and after 8.30pm I am a bitch so tone it down or else".  He toned it down for about three minutes.  He is exactly the same as my brother was as a young kid. Can't keep still and can't stop talking.  Ants in his pants.  But both of the boys are good kids even if noisy.

When the evening drew to a close and they left we shut the front door and the house was enveloped in complete silence and we all sighed with relief.

Today was almost like a Winter day.  Chilly and wet.  Now and then the blue sky showed through dark grey clouds.  I spent most of the day doing household things like laundry.  And laundry. Plus some laundry.  I made a beautiful cake.  Pottered around the kitchen.  Took the dog for a walk during a rain free break in the weather.

I've done no drawing for a while but inside my head it is all happening.  Once I finish this post I will go back to a drawing that was started ages ago.

So, that is my life in a post.

If you are reading this sentence there are a few things that could have happened.

You were completely galvanized by the extremely exciting life I lead and can't believe I don't have my own reality show called "Keeping Up with Twaddle".

You kept reading wondering if my post was actually going to lead anywhere only to find it didn't and that was two minutes of your life you can't get back.

You kept reading as part of your sleep routine instead of a Thomas Hardy novel.

You wondered if I got up and ate some of the dark Lindt chocolate in the pantry at any stage of doing the post.

Let me know.

linda x

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Saturday, April 04, 2015

Saturday 4th April

I have had the most wonderful three weeks since I last posted.

Nothing particularly out of the ordinary took place.

I woke up each day.

Went to work.


Had a lovely beach walk one sunny Sunday.

Took Mr Benny for a few walks on other days.

Ate too much on a few days.

Just the usual day to day events that people go through.  That's it really.


Not one day was I depressed.

Not one day was I anxious.

Not one day was I up and down (in a horrible way) with my moods to the point where it made it difficult to function.

It was really quite wonderful and I think it may well continue to be that way. And that is thanks to modern medicine (plus a proactive lifestyle, blah blah, blah).  The psychiatrist has helped me get the balance right. For now.  It may change but that's okay.  I can accept that because that is part of my life.

Anyway, enough of that.  Just thought I would sing it out to the blog world.  Record it for posterity.

Today I went into the city to buy some Easter eggs at my most favorite chocolate shop called Haig's. I had been here the week prior with a girlfriend when we went to see a free exhibition at the State Library.  We also walked around the library to see the permanent exhibits and also the wonderful reading room which has the most amazing glass dome which lets in the light.

I drove in and for the first time in ages the traffic was so quiet.  I think people have gone away for the four day Easter weekend and left the roads to those who like to just hang around at home.  Once in the city I parked under the Art Gallery and walked to the shop.  After I had picked up the goodies it seemed only right to have a meander around the laneways and head towards a big department store to try out some new perfume.

Melbourne laneways are often bustling hives of activities.  They are lined with cobblestone or bricks and no traffic is allowed.  Interesting clothes shops, bars and delicious eateries line each side and in some of the lanes tables sit outside waiting for customers.  On a day like today when the sun is shining it's crowded and noisy.  I love it.

Some laneways have fantastic wall art (some would say graffiti) and are photographed by tourists.

But today was not for eating, it was just a walking day.

When I got to the department store I realised it had been a while since I had poked around in the make up and perfume area.  It was huge with make up brand names I had never heard of.  Men were selling the goods as well as women.  The service had improved hugely but I have to say that I was one of the oldies walking around if you went by percentages.  But that was okay because the world is full of all age groups.

Eventually the time came where I had to head home.  Even though I could have spent the entire day just enjoying my time I had things that needed doing at home.  On the walk back to the car park I noticed a lot of people walking around draped in the Australian flag.  I thought that was strange but maybe something was happening that required people to be patriotic.

Then I got to Fed Square and could see and hear that some sort of big protest was happening.  I went over and watched it for a while.  It was quite aggressive with people shouting racist comments.  At one point I was standing next to a man who may have been from Kenya when one of the people speaking to the crowd point to him and called him a n****r.  I was so shocked as it's just something I have never seen happen on my own doorstep.  I turned to him and said something like "not everyone thinks that way".  But it left me feeling quite shaken.  The vitriol in parts of the crowd was palpable.

After a while I decided it was time to head home.  I rang K and made a joke about the protest was not moving forward as nobody got hurt and there weren't that many police.  Later on I saw on the news that it escalated with people getting hurt and arrested.  The mounted police were brought in to control the crowds.  Some people not involved in the protests were injured.  When I heard that I was kind of glad I left when I did.

I thought about it on the way home.  The whole thing bothered me.  There's an ugly side to every religion, every culture, every country.  It's never nice to see it.  For me, the world I grew up in is changing and not really in the best way.

My son is at a party tonight.  This is the third week running he has gone to a party.  I'm still getting my head around it.  What got me about this one he is at tonight is the conversation I had with him yesterday about it.  He said "I am going to T's place tomorrow night" and I said something like "Oh, what for?" and he said it was for a drinking sesh (session).  I thought WTF.  A drinking session?  I feel like a switch has gone on in his head.  For years and years K and I were worried that he was not very social and now he is out and about a lot.  It's a good thing.

Last Sunday I went for a fantastic beach walk.  The day was so warm, sky so blue.  I met K at a coffee shop half way and we sat for a while before I walked back.   People were on the beach sunbathing.  Children played in the water.  Bike riders along the bike path and people walking and running on their own path.  It was just a day that wanted to be embraced.

These glorious Autumn days that still hang onto remnants of Summer are the most wonderful days of all.  Tomorrow is the end of Daylight Savings and soon the days will become shorter and chillier. For the first time in so many years I am not feeling a sense of fear because I believe that this time I will be okay with the change of season.  In the past it has been such an issue for me.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday.  Now that S is older he does not jump up early to look for his Easter Eggs.  He lies, sloth like, in bed until mid morning and then makes his way into the light of day stopping at the fridge to drink some apple juice straight from the bottle.  So I have plenty of time to get up in the morning and hide the eggs.

I've got a feeling his breakfast won't be a healthy one.

Time for bed.


linda x

PS: I've been getting up from the computer every now and then and eating the chocolate eggs I am meant to be hiding tomorrow.  Mmmmmm.

PPS: No spell or grammar check.  Too tired and lazy.

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