Saturday, October 03, 2015

Friday, 2nd October

Today was a public holiday (as mentioned in previous post).  The weather was perfect.  Warm with blue sky above and the sun beating down on people happy for a long weekend.

Around mid-morning K and I went for a drive down to the beach and had coffee at a busy cafe.  We took the Stag for a drive which was great on the way there but as we headed home K noted an issue with the brakes.  Once we got home and he spend time with the car it turned out to be the master cylinder.  Always something do to on an old car.

When I got home I kind of didn't want to waste the day doing "housey" things.  So I decided to walk to Ripponlea Gardens which is an historic home not too far from our place.

So I walked and walked.  It took me just over an hour to get there.  On my GPS and my Fitbit tracker it said that the distance was 9km's but Google Maps said it was 4.7km's.  When K picked me up from there his car noted the distance at around 5.9km's.  Honestly, which one was true I have no idea.  All that matters is that I had a great walk and a delightful and relaxed time in the gardens.

There are so many things to see at this place.  Innocuous things.  Benches randomly placed in the many corners of the garden.  Doors with peeling paint.  There were ducks in the pool.  People lying on picnic blankets under the shade of trees.  Just one of those lazy days.

When I got home I decided to make meat pies using my latest and greatest kitchen appliance.

It's a Thermomix.  I certainly had not planned to get one as I could not think of any reason why I would want another kitchen appliance.  Then a friend asked me to come to her house to see a demo and I reluctantly agreed.  Well, it was impressive but I still did not make a decision to buy it and instead I booked a demo at my own house.  I wanted K to see it in action and if he was not impressed then I would not buy it.

Anyway, he was duly impressed and we now have one.  I don't want to exaggerate but I swear it has made our cooking life so much more diverse and interesting.  And easy.  It's the perfect thing for people like me who hate cooking but love quality food.  K uses it as well.  He just opens the book, chooses a recipe and makes it.  It's hard to explain the how and why's of it.

There are three others in the office who have one (two of them men) and we always talk about what's been cooked  Today I made meat pies including two types of pastry.  I would never have bothered to do that in the past.  Tomorrow I will make buttermilk bread in the morning plus fresh lemon spread. I might even make hommus dip.

It also allows me to make all my food from scratch with minimal effort.

So, now I have this overpriced gadget I will get rid of every other one I own.

Apart from my cooking plans (which will not take long) I don't have much on my agenda.  The weather is nice so I just intend to enjoy the weekend fully.  I did play with the idea of getting some clothes for my soon to arrive holiday but I have time up my sleeve to get things so I'd rather stay out of a shopping centre when the weather is great.

Some studio time would be great.  A visit to the gym is a must plus another walk or two.

Now when I read that it appears I may now have a bit of plan ahead for the weekend after all.

linda x

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Monday, September 28, 2015

Monday 28th September

Today is my dad's birthday.  He is turning 83.  Not that he's going to expect a birthday card from me. Or even a phone call for that matter.   It's been a long, long time since he and I had any relationship to speak of.

I'm generally okay with all that.  Parents sometimes don't do what their children expect and hope them to do.  Life isn't like that.  But I have to confess that even now, after all these years, it kind of hurts in some distant place.  As a rule I only notice it on significant days.  Birthday, Fathers Day and Christmas.  Apart from that it's just a vague and abstract thought.

My week has been pretty good despite a rather low mood.  The psych said to expect to take a while to get over being sick and out of routine (exercise being the big one) and to make sure I was mindful of the mood.  I think that is not different to anyone who has been sick.  It's mentally draining.

On Saturday I slept in.  I was so tired after a busy work week that my body just did not want to wake up at a good time despite the sun shining outside.  I think I was up around 9.30 am which is late for me.  Once organised I went for a most wonderful walk along the beach.  Around 12.5 km's all up.  It was very soothing on my mind and by the time I got back home I felt very peaceful.

So, back to work.  Bossman and Bosswife have been overseas visiting relatives and having a well earned break.  While they have been away I have felt less stressed.  I realise that sometimes people just stress you out for reasons unknown.  I think Bossman frustrates me and Bosswife gets too involved with the running of finances.  The two of us kind of work together as far as money goes but there's been a lack of autonomy for the past year or so.  In the past I would never let monies owed stretch past 90 days and worked the books and relationships well.  Since Bosswife got involved some of the bills blow out to five months which is not okay.  Not many of them, but it should just not be that.

As boring as bookkeeping sounds, there's a particular personality type that does it well and I am that type.  I just study the money in and out, see what has to be paid in the next few weeks and put money aside, understand the relationships I have with suppliers, know who I can stretch out and who I can't. It's a juggling act and I do it well when I am left to my own devices.

Just prior to leaving for the trip Bosswife said to me "I am not sure if the way we manage money is working" and I said "Go on your holiday and we will talk about it when you get back".  So we will talk about it when she gets back.  Main thing is that they all have a relaxing holiday and come back refreshed and rejuvenated.

We have a three day weekend coming up.  Friday is a public holiday.  A new public holiday to celebrate the AFL Grand Finals parade.  Yep, can you believe it?  The new State Government added an extra public holiday to the arena and it's to celebrate a football grand final.  So we have one to celebrate a horse race and one to celebrate the football.  It's kind of expensive actually.  Paying people for all these public holidays each year.  I think there are around ten all up.

However, who am I to complain.  I shall be having Friday off and enjoying it very much.  The weather is expected to be quite hot for the three days and to make things almost perfect Daylight Savings starts this weekend.  Longer days.  Hooray.

My holiday is drawing closer and closer and I have moments of excitement interspersed with moments of forgetting I am going on a holiday and that it is booked and paid for.  I still have not bought bathers but I did get some great bush walking shoes which I used on Saturday on my walk and they were great.

I have mentioned in posts gone by how much developing of property is going on around us.  Lovely old homes are being demolished to make way for positively ugly multi unit developments.  In our area is is particularly intense because we are near public transport and targeted for heavily development.

Anyway, this has pushed the price of houses up ridiculously.  Across the road from us is a house on a block that is around 50' and 160'.  Maybe not so deep but I know it is deeper than ours (50' x 150'). The owners decided to ring a particular estate agent who buys lots of places in the area which get developed, and get a price on the value of their house.  As a result of the outcome they sold it.

They paid $216K for the house in 1996 and did nothing to it.  Not a thing.  The price they got two weeks ago is over $1.7million.  We don't know exactly how much but she just said that she could tell us that it was definitely over that price.  So I am thinking it's quite a bit more.  It will be demolished and maybe three two storey town houses put up.  She was telling K that even though the price is great, there is not that much around to buy.  Even if your house goes up in price, if you sell you are only buying in the same market.

I guess this means our house is worth a lot more than it's buy price 29 years ago.  But there's no plans to sell.  It's our home.  We like it here.

A lot of people want to move in the area because of the local high school that my son goes to. It has an outstanding reputation and it's a public school so no big fees to pay.  Because of huge growth happening in the area at the moment the school has received big grants from the government to build more classrooms and update everything.  The school is expecting that in ten years they will have to cater for 4000 students.  Considering there are around 1700 students there at the moment, it's going to be a huge school.  I cannot even imagine that many students at a public high school.  It does my head in.

My son is getting closer to the end of his high school life.  Exams start in mid October and finish second week in November.  He has applied for two universities and once his VCE scores come in he will find out if he is accepted into the courses he wants.  He is growing up and life is about to change hugely.  Into the land of young adults.

It makes me feel I am getting older.

That's because I am.

But before I was not so aware of it.

It's like life role reversal.

linda x

ps. just a reminder i only casually read over what i write and feel very comfortable with any errors.

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Saturday, September 12, 2015

Saturday Reprieve

A Long Time Ago
Last Sunday when I did a post I made a note of how I was not well.  Sore throat and had lost my voice.   It went severely down hill from thereon.   Monday and Tuesday I managed to get to work and do what had to be done.  Everyone felt obliged to comment on my extremely pale face, red eyes, pithy voice and overall appearance of impending death.  I did feel feverish but attributed it to some sort of middle aged thing or the heating in the office.

On the Wednesday I woke up after an awful night of non stop coughing and wondered if my headache would be as bad sitting up as it appeared to be when I was lying down.  I sat up and the sensation of being hit by a hammer on my skull forced me back down.  Work was going to be doing without me.  I lay in such a still state that twice my husband came in to check if I was actually breathing or not.  He'd never seen me this ill for at least twenty years.

Thursday arrived after an even more unpleasant night of chronic coughing and almost zero sleep but I managed to get out of bed and sat on the kitchen chair looking very unwell while making pathetic whiny noises to nobody in particular. My eyes were glued together with some foul mucus that had oozed out of the tear ducts.  Forcing myself to get into the shower and get ready for work (just so I could spread the disease no doubt) I made a decision to stop off at the doctors in case I was more unwell that I realised (being a person in denial).

Sure enough, I was worse than I cared to admit to.  Sinusitis, middle ear infection and a bacterial throat infection.  He said I looked particularly unwell and had very flushed cheeks and red eyes (like someone with consumption).  I told him I was fine (in a whispery voice).  So I picked up the script for the antibiotics and actually went to work.  However, I sank like an anchor and had to be driven home where I spent the rest of the day incapable of moving off the bed.  My temperature was still elevated.

The timing of my falling ill was so bad as Bossman and his wife were heading off overseas on Friday.  Somehow we have managed to get things coordinated.  Lots of notes and emails.

Thursday night was another tough sleep but I managed to get to work and do a full day without too much trouble but I did kind of crash when I got home.   In my endeavour to sleep I took something quite strong but it did not really help and I have probably not slept well at all for the past week.

Today being Saturday I feel okay.  Maybe just a bit weak.  I've done NO exercise to speak of for almost two weeks, apart from two walks with the dog.  My mind and body feel blah.  To make things worse the weather is so divine I feel trapped.  Tempted as I am to try for a walk today it's a bit silly as just hanging out the washing makes me breathless right now.  It looks like I will just have to take it easy when I get back into it.  Grrrr, how frustrating.

It was all a bit surreal and it made me think how awful it must be to be unwell for a long time.  You know, having a serious illness or long term illness that makes every day a challenge.  At least I know that ten days of antibiotics will clear things up for me.  It's not always that simple for so many people.

Hopefully I will be well enough tomorrow and get outside for a walk down at the beach.  Not with Mr Benny though.  I'm not up to a walk with him as he can be a bit boisterous.

The photo of me in the post is just before we moved factory at work.  From the old front building to the new one I am in now.  I look at the photo and part of me has a sinking feeling.  You know that part that says "I was younger and now I am no longer".   It's a fleeting thought and I am pretty sure most other people feel it at one stage.  I could get right back into running, heavy exercise, obsessive food control and go of my meds and get back to that hyper focused self but then I recall how much mental and physical energy that required to maintain.  I didn't know it at the time, but I know it now that I just live a fairly normal life these days.  I actually do not have it in me anymore anyway.

With my appalling sleep over the past week my mood has become very testy and I frequently have to say very politely "keep in mind I haven't slept for a few days" as I easily take things the wrong way, start talking about things with a completely irrational mindset and have many moments where I want to tear strips off anyone who annoys me.  It's like having the most EPIC pmt.  All my mental energy goes towards keeping a pleasant and calm facade as I seethe inside.  I swear that everyone has a very punchable face.  Once I get some solid sleep under my belt things will go back to normal.  In the meantime I just try to chill out and be nice.

On a lighter note, now that the Spring season has started and the sun is shining I am reminded how my wardrobe is needing an update.  Apart from the fact there are just some clothes that are looking a bit limp after one wear there is another issue of my putting on a bit of weight.  Not a huge amount but just enough to make clothes that fitted neatly suddenly make me feel really uncomfortable.  Besides, I have changed what I like in clothes.  Time for a change.  I've been looking through Etsy to find some interesting clothes but won't make a decision until I am in a very good frame of mind.  The last thing I want is to end up with weird shit clothes that arrive in the post and I wonder why on earth I bought them.  For example I pointed out a dress to my son that was a great design but the fabric was just comic book characters.  He said "no".  Good advice as I now think it is hideous.

Cross fingers that I have a good sleep tonight so that I awake refreshed and able to go for a walk tomorrow.

It's going to be sunny.

linda x

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Sunday, September 06, 2015

Spring Sunday

Walking Path
It's the first Sunday of Spring.  Needless to say it's a chilly one.  Right now as I sit in the warm loungeroom I can hear the wind and rain outside.

I had a four day weekend.  After deciding I needed a break before Bossman and his family went away overseas for three weeks this coming Friday, I scheduled Thursday and Friday off so that I could just do some "me" things.  Unfortunately, as often happens when one takes a short holiday, I was sick. Thursday I woke up with a headache which got progressively worse.  Friday I managed to get to the hairdressers and noticed that the headache was joined by a very sore throat and runny nose.  By Saturday my voice was becoming hoarse, my sore throat was raging, I had a chest cough and the headache was in for a stay.

Today I lost my voice and felt very ordinary.  K and I went for a drive up to a big antique shop and had some lunch.  I couldn't talk which meant K had to order my lunch for me.  When I went to the supermarket this evening the cashier kept laughing and apologising for laughing at my whispery words.  I think it will be another horrible night's sleep.  Made worse by knowing I have to get up and go to work tomorrow!  Nah, work's okay.  I just prefer not working.

Sooooo, I was a bit annoyed that my feeling sick restricted what I wanted to do. Although, being forced to do less allowed me to read a book. There's nothing like feeling off colour to force you to sit and do things you have not done for a while.  And I did manage to get in a couple of very long walks with Mr Benny.  There were some sunny blocks during the day and it was so lovely to feel the warmth.  There is nothing nicer than the smell of Spring.  Fresh grass, flowers, warmer air, clean earth.  Everything comes alive.

I'm so aware of the continuum of seasons much more now.  It's an age thing.  At least I think it is. Everything goes much faster. Like I've reached the top of the hill and now it's the down journey. That's not a bad thing by the way.  However I feel I am at a time of life where I need to make valued choices.  Which is why I have decided that once a year I will go off on a week long adventure of on my own and have a holiday that I really like.  Not because I don't wish to go on holiday with my boys, I love holidays with them.  But there are things that I have wanted to do for a long time that they really don't want to do and I feel that life is too short to miss out on little things like that.

So, this year it is Lord Howe Island.  And for next year I am toying around with going on a five day camel trek.  I've done a two day trek around thirty years ago and loved it.  I did ask K and S if they were interested in something like that and they said no way.  It involves lots of walking and most likely plenty of hot days.  A basic version of the movie Tracks which is a great story.  Not many people would consider this much of a holiday but to me it is bliss.

I like planning these sorts of adventures.  It is always good to have goals to work towards.  Goals that are completely new and kind of unpredictable.

Time is going to pass so it's good to fill in a few of the gaps with new experiences.

I'm never going to be too old for that.

linda x

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Saturday, August 29, 2015

Chilly Saturday

Pulling a funny face - 2010 Venice holiday
Time is racing, racing, racing by.  When I booked my holiday I had five months to go before the date and now it's just over two months away.  And now I am half way through another weekend.  I don't know what to think of how time flies except that it annoys me.

Work managed to settle down a bit as far as stress levels go but on Friday I was relieved when it was going home time.  Because we have cash flow issues (thanks to twat customers) it makes it difficult for me to be completely autonomous in my role.  That is frustrating.  However, I managed to get a lot of other shitty jobs done including cleaning out and organising the stationary cupboard and doing piles of the worst type of filing.  You know the sort that has not real home but has to be kept.

On Wednesday I made my weekly trip into Dr T.  I sometimes wonder why I go but I do feel huge benefits from it when I allow myself to step back and take a good look how far I have come and just how much I get out of the weekly sessions.

This week we discussed my elevated state.  Initially I just said I was FINE and HAPPY and not elevated but as the discussion continued it was really obvious I was on another planet.  I talked non stop for half an hour about lots of nothing.  Going from topic to topic, asking questions in between, not waiting for an answer before going off on another tangent.  It actually hurt my throat to get my words out.  At one point I laughed so much that I couldn't say the words and finished the whole ramble off with the words "Oh, I really am truth the the saying that an empty vessel makes the most noise".  It was really hard for me to calm down.

I recalled that during work that day I used my outside voice on, had to work extra hard at staying focused and also make sure that I did not say very childish things.  It's hard to explain but let's just say I am a like a kid at a party when I am elevated.  Somehow though, I manage to do my work in a most exemplary manner despite that.

The psych asked me how I felt about increasing my dose of mood stablisers to keep the hypomanic periods less elevated as, unfortunately, after every high comes a low.  The higher the high, the lower the low.  I declined his suggestion as I don't wish to risk putting on weight having just lost some after coming off HRT a week prior (due to some very unpleasant side effects including increase in blood pressure).

I said to him "we've had this discussion before haven't we?  More than once?".  He acknowledged that we had and raised his eyebrows when I said that this time I felt that I wasn't going to be depressed because I felt so good.  When I am hypomanic I just KNOW that that is how I am going to stay because my brain tells me this time this is it.  That depressed person is gone for good.  I do a fantasy skippity skip in my head.  I would not be exaggerating if I said it felt like there were different people in me in regards to those extreme moods.  It's very unsettling.

Anyway, at the psych's behest I took one Klonopin at night and one the next day to take the edge off the high which stops it going too high and makes the fall less unpleasant.  It worked and I managed to recalibrate my thoughts and feel a bit less agitated and highly distracted.  This morning, sure enough, I woke up feeling profoundly depressed and fragile.  It took great effort to not roll over and go back to sleep with my head under the doona but history tells me that compounds the problem so I got up and just started the day.   Now I wonder where that other person has gone, the one who felt jolly fantastic for almost ten days.  Oh well.  I'll just ride this one out again.

Just for the record, I am so careful with my use of Klonopin.  It's an addictive prescription drug and I really think carefully before I take it.  I note down in a diary each day I may take it, only take a half dose and this week is the second time I have had to take it two days running.  I've never taken it more than four times in one week and usually it's no more than twice. It's a drug that works for me because I am such a control freak.  My younger sister won't touch it because of her history of drug addiction in her younger days.  The only reason I use this drug and not Valium is because Valium makes me incredibly depressed when I have used it.

In the past I just refused point blank to take any drugs as I believed I could fix things but I'm a bit more open minded now.  I'm not interested in spending day in and day out managing severe anxiety, I've been doing it for years upon years and, believe me, it's so mentally and physically wearing.  But I have to say that taking prescription drugs is the last step to stability.  Exercise, healthy diet, good sleep, routine life, therapy and being proactive in my treatment come first and foremost.  The drugs are just there as a back up.  I am thankful that they are there when needed.

I have managed to get some good exercise in.  Two big walks and two good sessions at the gym.  I would have gone for a walk today but it's very cold outside and I just did not want to.  Instead I decided to do a few mundane things, one being grocery shopping which is normally a Sunday task.  I figured it would be good to get it out of the way and leave tomorrow free for "me" things.

I'm feeling so excited that Spring is just around the corner.  It's only a month to go before daylight savings starts and we get more sunshine and longer daylight hours.  I don't want to wish my life away but I do want those warmer months to come soon.  Plus, I'm so excited that my holiday is coming soon.  That will be a strange and wonderful time for me.

On a different note, my son went out with friends last night to a local bar, then they went to KFC and after that they went to a pub that is around the corner from home.  He used a pokie machine and won $20.  Then a strange man gave him $20 and said that if he was going to bet he should use bigger dollars and not one dollar coins.  Weird.  So my son felt obliged to bet the money the guy gave him (even though he wanted to keep it) and subsequently lost it.  However, he still was $20 up.  He found the whole thing depressing and said there was no way he would sit there using them again. Money is too hard to come by in his opinion.

It's very strange having a son who now goes to bars and has a drink with friends.  It seems not that long ago he was starting high school.  Now he is almost finishing high school and next year is university.  I feel notably older.   I feel it so much deeper than just the obvious physical places.  It's at the core of me and it spreads like some miasma inside, up through my feelings, my outlook, my perception of the world, my memories of life.  Not once did I ever think I would feel this way.  I don't know how I thought I would feel, more than likely I had not real thoughts about where I am at.  

Anways, that's life.  The young get older, the older get even older.  One day my son may well ask himself random and inexplicable questions about life as he gets older.

That photo above was taken in Venice in 2010.  I was pretending to be a very stylish Italian in a funny way.  Today I looked at it and my husband said how much younger I looked.  Yeah, well, I was younger, five and half years younger by the way FFS.  I did have dark hair in that photo and grey hair tends to suggest aging.  Plus my hair is now quite curly due to my medicaiton (curly grey hair indicates senility for some reason).  Part of me felt wistful for the obvious change.  To top it off we were watching videos of when we went to the US in 2011 and I saw some footage of me walking along the promenade at Coney Island.  I was wearing t-shirt and jeans and it was obvious that my slender self was on show there.

As I watched it I made some comment (as you do when being shown a younger, better version of oneself) about how FAT I felt now.  And how I had put on weight. Blah, blah, blah. God , what a fucking broken record.  Then my son said "so, mum, where would you rather be in your head? There in Coney Island or here now?".  It was such a practical comment.  Of course I would rather my head be where it is now  (for most of the time).  It never fails to amaze me that I have such an insightful son.  He's turned out okay.

You know that saying about wanting old head on young body?

Yeah, well, I get what that means now.

linda x

PS I am going to buy a Thermomix.  That's a whole new post in itself.

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Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Ancient History

New Glasses!
That's me lately.

Ancient history.

One day short of a month since last I did a post.  I've been meaning to for at least two weeks but then I just went "meh, too hard" and nought happened.

So, do I do a run down on what has happened in the past month?  Has anything happened that is worthy of recording?  That's subjective I guess.

It's been a weird month in my headspace.  Visits to the psychiatrist have been difficult in a way yet still beneficial.  Because I have a number of factors that impact my mood in a notable way, it is hard to pinpoint a way to even myself out.  Sometimes I want to start from scratch and go off my medication, off my mood stabilisers, off my HRT, don't take an anti anxiety and don't use anything to help sleep.  Although, the last two are not used daily and I always try other ways to tackle the issue before taking them.

I think to myself if I had a good clean slate again I could go back to the person I knew for all my life and in going back I wouldn't be where I am now.  Not that I am worse, I am just different and I suppose I want to go back to that person I understood in a disjointed kind of way.  I often think to myself that I have no "me" anymore.  Perhaps this is part of getting older where you just kind of find yourself hanging in a void that is shaped like a question mark.

I've been going to the gym twice a week and I have to confess it has been with feet dragging, despite doing a decent work out when I get there.  However, if I don't go to the gym I do take Mr Benny for a good walk.  Sometimes it's a walk I need anyway.  Clear, fresh air clears the mind.  Last weekend I had plans to do a big hill walk similar to what I used to do when training for the Oxfam walk. That thought went by the wayside because I decided to hang out with my niece instead.  On the Saturday we went out for breakfast, then we went shopping and after that came home and plonked on chairs just chilling.

In the evening I took Mr B for a big walk.

On the Sunday I slept in.  My motivation was at ground zero to do anything as strenuous as jumping in the car, driving half an hour to get to the place that would provide me with the hill I wanted to climb.  So I got out of bed, had breakfast and once I was showered and dressed I did a bit of token tidying up around the house.  My niece and I went grocery shopping together.  Had coffee. Took Mr Benny for a walk.

It was one of those weekends where I really needed to just relax.  I am feeling very burnt out from work which is infecting how I enjoy my leisure time for some reason. In fact, thinking about it, work is impacting me much more than I like.  Or is it my attitude to work?  Perhaps I am not coping with stress like I used to.

Yesterday I spoke to my mother as I was driving home from work.  We got onto the topic of menopause and she was saying that it was hell for her mentally as well as physically.  Her words rang a bell with me.  There is no doubt in my mind that going through menopause compounds my problems.  I know it won't be for ever and it is a natural process but it's fairly shitty.  If all I ever had were the physical symptoms of menopause then that would be okay.  But the way it exacerbates my mood issue is really a negative thing.

That all does sound as though I am not doing well but the reality is I am.  As my husband would say to me "Linda, you over analyse everything".  This is probably what I am doing in the post.

During my month away from blogging I had a weekend where I cleaned and rearranged the studio.  S does not hang out much there any more so I packed away his Xbox and moved some furniture around which gave me more usable space.  I ordered a table that has a adjustable sloping top so that I can draw with greater comfort.  I find that a normal table requires me to hunch over my art work which subsequently gives me a sore neck and back.  The table arrived today and it is perfect.  I cannot wait to use it this weekend.

Essentially I have just been working, pottering around the home and doing bits in between.  The month of August so far has been the coldest for years in Melbourne.  There was snow in places that snow normally never falls.  Each day chilly followed by chillier nights.  It's almost as though Winter is having its last hurrah before it finishes on the 31st.  Then Spring arrives with the promise of warmer weather and this always means joyful sunshine will be on the cards more.  Until then, I feel no desire to engage with the world too much.

S has been having driving lessons in a manual car now and with an instructor.  So soon he can drive my car and start clocking up those hours.  He has to have 120 hours before he can go for his drivers licence.  Remember the days when you only had to do ten hours or something like that.  When I think of the handful of lessons I had before I was let out on the road it amazes me.  Still, roads are busier now so the more experience young people have on the road before they are out on their own the better.

My holiday draws closer and I can't help but feel impossibly excited about it all.  The thought of no phone, no internet, no television, no work, no responsibilities to anyone but me and doing new things is surely going to make for an interesting and fun holiday.  It will be like holidays were before technology!  At work I mentioned that I would maybe eat out a couple of times.  We got talking about what it was like to eat alone at a restaurant.  It's not something that bothers me much.  Anyway, Bossman's wife said "Oh, if you are eating alone you can play with your mobile like everyone else does" and I said "No, I can't J because there is no mobile service on Lord Howe Island".  She freaked, could not believe it and wondered how I would cope without it as she felt she couldn't.  I laughed and said that I will find out and let her know.

Before the holiday I have to go shopping for bathers.  Gawd, what a horrible experience that will be. The other day I dug out an old pair (which were like new through such little use) and tried them on.  I laughed as they looked very bad.  Apart from being way too small (as I knew they would be) they looked dated and naff.  When I had a leg wax the other weekend the person doing it said that if I was going to go shopping for bathers I should get a fake tan before hand.  It knocks 3kg's off straight away - so she said.  But I will take her advice and do that.  Shopping for bathers is the worst thing no matter what age.  I can tell you that shopping for bathers at the age of 51, feeling fat, having put on weight and not being a body confident type of person is really not something I want to do.  However, it's a first world problem, it's just a "head" issue and I am never going to get that stop me doing fun things.  Seriously, I know for a fact nobody is going to check me out on a beach and make a judgement call these days. I'm totally invisible now which is kind of liberating.

Well, all of a sudden it is 11.20pm and way past my bedtime.  I am wired but tired and this is not a good combination.  It leads to bad sleep and too much irrational thinking.

So good night.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the bed bugs bite.

linda x

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Sunday, July 19, 2015

Sunday 19th July

Warning, this post might have content you find offensive.  Then again, if you read my waning blog on a regular basis you would know me well enough to not be surprised by anything I write.

Anyway, here goes.

When I go to the chemist I expect the pharmacist to keep questioning to a bare minimum and to speak in a quiet voice should he need to speak to me about what I am purchasing.  In other words, to be discreet.

On Friday I took Mr Benny for a big walk and on the way stopped at the chemist to pick up two scripts for myself.   While I was waiting for them both to be filled I asked the sales assistant something about a group of things targeting going to the toilet.  You see, the medication I take can, at times, have the most annoying effect of rendering what should be a normal, bodily function into a psychological and physical nightmare.

I am a person who thinks that having a dump is a fundamental process to ensure a perfect day.  I am also of the belief that the expression "if you don't shit, you die" is 100% accurate.   However, I am loathe to take take stuff randomly to get things going.  Firstly, being a former laxette abuser in my eating disorder days means I am just asking for trouble sending down anything along those lines. Secondly, some stuff can make me ill and cause awful pain for me with no discernible results. Lastly, I think it is better to always try natural means first such as a good diet, lots of water and exercise - none of which seems to make a difference by the way.  Although, maybe if I were not so mindful of those I would be worse!

So, there I am at the chemist, talking the the young girl,  who probably shits every day so doesn't get it anyway, and just points out every single bottle of whatever is on the shelf to me.  I say thanks and turn back to the counter to wait for the script and then the pharmacist comes over to me and says he could not help but overhear what I had been speaking about which made me think I was talking loudly but perhaps it was only because I had been standing near the "over here if you can't have a shit" shelf that gave it away.

He then says to me that it is better to take none of these and to get some magnesium and take big doses of a few days in a row.  Then he elaborates on other stuff based on my scripts.  The one sided conversation goes on and on and all I can notice is that his breath smells of moth balls and I wonder how I can cut the dialogue short, really short.  I told him I had my dog outside and best be going and then he said it was okay to bring my dog into the chemist.  However I declined adding that it was dark and time to head home.

So, that's okay.  I get over that weird conversation we had and head home.

However, today I had to go back because things had not improved and I had a stomach ache.  I jumped in the car and drove up the the chemist to pick up something to get things going.  In the back of my mind I hoped that the same pharmacist was not there.  Unfortunately he was and more unfortunate was that the store was busy with people waiting for scripts to be filled.

I groaned inwardly but walked over and grabbed a particularly effective product and made my was to the counter.  The pharmacist stopped was he was doing and came over to serve me.

"Things still not working?" he asked.

"Obviously not" I replied thinking "please don't have a conversation with me" and "I can't believe you just asked me that".

"Beetroot juice can often help greatly," he offered.

"Ah, well, nothing short of a fire hose up my arse is going to help right now," I answered back. Yes, I do know it was totally unseemly for me to say that but I said it and that's how I talk at times.

"Oh, well, then.  This stuff you have will work like a dream within twenty minutes and then you can start from scratch.  When things get this bad you need a quick fix," he said as I paid him.

I was reminded of this event at another chemist.

Sigh.  Visiting a chemist should not be fraught with such anxiety.

Overall my week has been quiet.  Work has been okay in the way the work is.  My visit to the psych was better on Wednesday than the previous one as I was not hungry.  However, I had been very elevated and recently bought a couple of things I seriously did not need to.  My sleep had started to go pear shaped (not wanting to sleep, not getting to sleep for ages and then heavy dreams) so these are all signs that things are changing in my mood.  On Friday I got to work and my anxeity levels were through the roof and I had to take something to bring them down.  I've learnt it's easier to action it rather than spend the day completely ineffective as far as prodtivity goes.

That night I went to the gym and did a major one hour work out with free weights which helped greatly.  The next day I could hardly move.  Today I went again to the gym and met up with a personal trainer to go through a new programme with specific targets in mind.  I'll split the workouts.  Legs one day and arms and back the next.  It might not seem like much but each session takes 60 minutes at least.

Not sure what else I did.  It was a stay at home kind of weekend I guess.  This week I am working from home on Thursday and taking a day off on Friday so that gives me a three day weekend which means I can do something for me and I can recover a bit from work.  Get some artwork done.  Potter around in the studio.  Hope for a sunny day.

We had a sunny weekend but it was so chilly and the heater was cranked up all day.  I dread the mid Winter gas bill.  It's always awful and every year just increases.

It's a slow count down to my holiday but time flies and I've settled down as far as thinking too much about it.  However, in the back of my mind I am thinking of what to pack and what I will be doing.  I need to buy a new pair of bathers.  I swear I have not been in a pool or down at the beach swiming for years.  Oh how I hate buying bathers.  It's just not a pleasant experience.

Not much else to say.

It's getting lateish and I'm needing an early night.

linda x
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